Scene: Peoria, AZ outside the Mariner’s Spring Training facility. A red carpet is set out to guide players to the clubhouse. Fans and photographers congregate behind ropes. ROOT Sports is providing live coverage.
Brad Adam: Hello, Mariner fans! Welcome to the red carpet. Position players will be arriving any minute for their annual spring physical. We are here to get the inside scoop.
There he is! Our first player!
Daniel Vogelbach steps out of a sleek town car. Immediately begins preening for the awaiting cameras, breaking into yoga poses
Brad: Dan! My man! Would you say you’re in the best shape of your life?
Dan, from warrior pose: Brad, since taking up yoga I’m too zen to worry about things like shapes. Except the shape of the ball off my bat, and that shape is goooonnnee!
Brad: Tell me, Dan, who are you wearing as you walk into spring training?
Dan: Lululemon, Brad. Lululemon.
Brad: Aren’t you worried about their unfortunate issues with see-through pants?
Dan: Fans want transparency. They want to know we’re working to bring a championship to town.
Brad: Okkaaaayy. Are you excited for the season?
Dan: Brad, I’m zen. I’m going to take the season one smoked fastball at a time. Namaste.
Brad: Nama-hey! There’s Robby!
Robinson Cano steps out of a modest SUV. As he descends from the vehicle, the rain that has persistently fallen all day suddenly stops, and the sun shines down upon him through the mist.
Brad: Robby! What an entrance!
Robinson: I bring the sunshine with me wherever I go.
Brad: I know the fans are hoping you brought last year’s production back with you.
Robinson: Not only did I bring it with me, I have been working on bestowing my powers to other players.
Brad: Wow! Does that require a transplant of some sort, or…
Robinson: (Laughs, paternally) No, no, but it does require dedicated training at my home in the Dominican. I forced, err, allowed Jean Segura to stay with me this offseason so I could properly train him. I’m not getting any younger, you know. Time to pass along my aptitude.
Brad: There was a lot of negativity last offseason. Given how quiet it has been this year, does that affect your preparation for the season?
Robinson: Brad, I bring the sunshine with me wherever I go.
Walks off into the clubhouse, a trail of light following him. The rain begins again as soon as he disappears. Everyone outside stares in awe for a few moments.
Kyle Seager steps out of a nice pickup.
Kyle: Hey guys!
Brad: Welcome to Spring Training, Kyle! How was the offseason? Did you work out with Corey?
Kyle: (Petulant sigh, mutters under breath) Corey, Corey, Corey. (Shakes it off) I mean, yes, it was a great offseason. Got in some great workouts with my brother. He really pushed me. The natural competitiveness of brothers, you know. Ha, ha. Ha. (Serious voice) I actually put in some additional workouts after our daily sessions. I didn’t feel like he pushed hard enough. You get lucky for a couple seasons and suddenly you think you don’t have to work anymore.
Brad: A little healthy competition never hurt anyone.
Kyle: It’s very healthy. Very, very healthy. No unhealthiness in that competition.
Brad: Would you say you’re in the best shape of your life?
Kyle: Better than the best. I’m ready to go show Corey who’s boss!
Brad: I take it you’re looking forward to the season?
Kyle: I’m ready to crush the Dodgers!
Brad: I mean, they’re not in our division, so…
Kyle: Crush them!
Brad: And with that, I’ll send it back to the studios!