Black Market Mariners Holiday Gift Guide: The Return

The experience of being a Mariners fan is a lot like having a cursed monkey paw that grants wishes (h/t to “The Simpsons,” duh). We’ve all heard that one, right? It’s been driven into the ground, but hey, we are here to stomp on it a few more times and share some deliciously unique and uniquely Mariners gifts for you to track down for the very special and sad Mariners fan in your life. Welcome to the Ye Olde Mariners Curiosity Shop of Cursed Souls (ominous music builds), please shut the door behind you and have a seat....

Evil Leonys Martin Sweatband from Hell

To clarify: Leonys Martin is a lovable bundle of high pitched joy and enthusiasm for life who personifies the phrase “speak softly and carry a big smile”. That’s a phrase, it exists. This, however, is not Leonys Martin. This is Evil Leonys Martin™. Evil Leonys likes to dump salt in your Cheerios box and place empty Sobe bottles under your back tires.

Evil Leonys is the babysitter that agrees to put the kids down by 8:00pm but instead lets them watch Evil Dead and feeds them cookie dough ice cream sprinkled with Rolos just before you return home at 10 and disappears into a suddenly-appearing crowd of boldly outlined caucasians and scuttles away in the confusion..

Such an evil lil’ scamp.

The Most Terrifying Bobblehead Ever Created:

Oh dear god, don’t look at it for too long else you wind up confusing it for “Nude Player Descending A Staircase”. This would have retailed far above market value in the early 20th century, but has sadly seen its stock decline due to the copious amounts of copycats of this clear Modernist art style today - mostly known as 2 year olds blindly attaching merchandising stickers to random objects around the house with no regard for aesthetics. Like everything else these infant millennial Duchampbabies create, you can give this bobblehead its rightful home by adding it to your collage of refrigerator art depicting the entire family as enormous misshapen stick figures. Gold star and magnet sold separately.

The Dustin Ackley Fun with Memories Good Times Pack:

ALL THREE Dustin Ackley giveaways can be yours for the low, low, one-time payment of your eternal soul, which will be trapped forever in the deepest chasm of Dustin’s cold, dead eyes. No take-backsies. Simple and easy.

TOOTBLAN Doll:

This is the face you make when the Mariners TOOTBLAN. Little known fact, this little guy served a utility role on the Angry Birds’ Intramural Beer Softball App League team back in 2013 before being unceremoniously non-tendered after batting .184… which is a nice way of saying they “ran out of uniforms” and “we promised Jeff his brother’s friend could play this year” and “I mean you’re right he doesn’t have an actual ‘brother’ but they were buddies growing up so it’s just that, look, I think you’re taking this the wrong way I thought you hated trying to find parking anyway right so it’s a good thing really we’ll see you around maybe later we’re thinking of going to have drinks at *muffled mumbling* OK I gotta go good talk thanks man.”

The Most Confusing Seattle Mariners Shirt Ever:

Give this to your most introverted friend and watch them squirm every time a stranger gives them a weird look or asks them if their shirt is a misprint or something. Don’t have an introvert around, you say? Fear not, it doubles as an unparalleled ice breaker for your sport savvy psychology major sibling who is always questioning the nature of the world and we who simply reside in it. Who are we as individuals? As a collective? Am team? Are we us? What players?

Is Mariners? …Is Mariners. Yes.

A Richie Sexson Bobblehead to Burn in Effigy:

Richie’s soul deserves to be free. He’s done his time. We all have. Give the gift of lifting a curse. Burn bright, Big Richie, and join your people amongst the heavens.