Trick-or-Treat with the Mariners

Sure, you could go out for Halloween, but let’s face it: there are people out there. Instead, we at LL invite you on an imaginative journey to each Mariners’ off-season home. Because after this past season of tricks, the least they can do is offer us some treats. Let’s stop by at each of their respective domiciles to see what they’re handing out:

Nelson Cruz:

Kit-Kat bars, because they remind him of his own perfectly matched eyebrows.

Manny Acta:

Caramel apples with miniature candy swelmets on top, and mini-cigars. For the kids.

Mike Leake:

Travel-size bottles of Pantene Pro-V. Excellent for when you get traded mid-season.

Erasmo Ramirez:

Ryan Divish bobbleheads.

Jean Segura:

Bubble gum, obviously.

Photo by Lindsey Wasson/Getty Images

James Paxton:

A carton of Timbits and a baleful stare.

Andrew Albers:

Maple sugar candies, and a business card that reads “Not James Paxton”

James Pazos:

Has to stop giving away candy after he nails a child in the ear with a wayward Milky Way.

Max Povse:

King Size Almond Joy. Too much. Too much.

Ben Gamel:

Homemade venison jerky.

Andrew Moore:

A re-usable water bottle, a “Bernie 2020” bumper sticker, and a package of raisins, “nature’s candy.”

Tony Zych:

You approach his porch, although it appears no one is home. A soft breeze ruffles your hair; a flash of camo appears in the distance, and suddenly there is a bright new nickel in your palm, although you saw nothing, no one.

Dan Altavilla:

Miniature toothbrushes. Candy is the enemy of a beautiful smile.

Nick Vincent:

Rolo, because he's underrated, yet awesome.

Edwin Diaz:

Is too busy TP-ing Fleming Baez’s house with 100 MPH toilet paper rolls to bother with trick-or-treating.

Mitch Haniger:

Supportive insoles. Health begins with the feet.

Emilio Pagan:

Tiny maypoles and miniature packets of do-it-yourself blonde hair dye.

Yovani Gallardo:

A bowl of mixed hard candies, including those god-awful strawberry ones that seem hard on the outside but after two minutes of sucking become chewy and horrid, and sometimes metaphors can be heavy-handed, kind of like Gallardo when he tried to pitch this season.

Carlos Ruiz:

Expired Chooch Bar prototypes from 2008.

Ariel Miranda:

Baby Ruth, because that’s what it feels like to hit off of him.

Taylor Motter:

Mystery-flavor Airheads, except when you open the package there’s a giant hole in each one.

Marc Rzepczynski:

Left-handed candy corn.

Kyle Seager:

You knock on his door, and exclaim “trick or treat,” with a big grin on your face. He crosses his arms across his chest and demands that you immediately give him 20 squat sets. As you shuffle down the path, quads burning, a hand emerges from the bushes and drops some candy into your bag. You spot a blue and silver World Series ring on one finger before it disappears back into the shrubs.

Dan Vogelbach:

Now-n-Laters, except when you unwrap it, it’s just Later.

Mike Zunino:

Starbursts. He’s finally here.

Danny Valencia:

Wedgies, nerds.

Felix Hernandez:

King Size candy bars only (obviously). Is spooked when a trick-or-treater dressed like a torn labrum shows up at his door.

Robinson Canó:

[Is not home because he decided, last-minute, to go to a party on a yacht in Belize. Outside the door is sign saying “sírvete/help yourself :)” over a bowl full of loose diamonds.]

Scott Servais:

Wisconsin cheese curds, and a high five, distributed by Nick Vincent. As you walk away from the door, Zombie Vidal Nuno shuffles slowly, confusedly past.

Jerry Dipoto:

Offers to trade you a bounceback reliever for some of your candy. Studies your bag, whispering to himself: “now which of you is the Chris Taylor?”