A Guide to a Spooky and Thrifty Mariners Halloween

If you’re anything like me, every year you think of a really good idea for a Halloween costume somewhere between mid May and early September. “This is the year,” you think. “I’m not throwing some crap together last minute that will make me look both silly and underprepared.” You have time, so you do other, more pressing projects, and put it on the back-burner. Before you know it, it’s October 30th and you’re holding back stress and tears in the picked-over local Value Village as you try to look for some conglomeration of tchotchkes that will resemble a costume.

Not this year. It’s October 21st baby, and I’ve got ten days and I’m on the prowl. I’ve been brainstorming this year, and while my Sexy Bill Nye idea is tempting (nothin’ but a bow tie, a lab coat, and a speedo), I’m looking for something a little more spooky. Kids these days aren’t easily frightened, so it’ll have to be something suuuuper scary. Here’s my working list of spookiest costumes I’m considering.

Number 6: A recent Mariners first base platoon

Nothing says terrifying for this fan base than the thought of another year of Danny Valencia and whatever left-handed batter the Mariners decide can play first base. This is an easy, low-effort costume guaranteed to spook your friends! Here’s a picture of Danny, just print and cut out to fit your face!

For the rest of the costume, just tape bits of old rubbish from around the house to your lower body. Think of that garbage monster from Spirited Away.

You get the idea! Spoooooky!

Number 5: A ghost

An all-time classic. It’s simultaneously a comfort, a terrifying manifestation of the powers of the supernatural, and a reminder of our own mortality. So multi-purpose!

Oooooooo!

Number 4: James Paxton’s elbows

This is one that you could go either way with! No matter what, it’s going to be scary to Mariners fans. Who wants to think about Pax’s ‘bows when they’re just trying to drink to forget this season and the impending World Series victory of pick-your-hate-able-team? But to everyone else, you can choose whether to make it the quirky costume that nobody really gets, or just an explosion of gore.

If you want it PG, just tape a bunch of right-angles to yourself. Make them paper-mache if you want a fun project in the coming ten days. If you want it a little more spooooooky, make it so that it looks like a bunch of actual severed elbows. Cover yourself with gore, and tell people you’re the reaper of the Mariners pitchers this year.

Number 3: A zombie

Another undead themed costume, but a little different!

Also a classic, and very easy to make! Just rub some dirt on your face, tear up some old clothes, and hold your head at an uncomfortable angle for the entire night. And instead of the powers of the supernatural, it is a commentary on the fragility of our bodies and a good reminder that we are not necessarily the physical representations of ourselves! People will think you’re so deep! Spoooooooky.

Number 2: Chris Taylor and Adam Jones

This is a fun twist on the zombie! Think Frankenstein’s monster - you’re going to be two people sewn up. Simultaneously terrifying to Mariners fans and normal, well-adjusted, happy people, this one is sure to get some guffaws. If you have cash to burn, buy a Chris Taylor and an Adam Jones jersey (bonus points if they’re M’s jerseys), and sew them up. If not, just write their names on a tee shirt.

Add as much blood as you want from the transmorgification process, and boom!

Think this, but wearing jerseys. And a fun bonus, it may cause people to be so scared, they’ll never want to make a trade ever again! Don’t trick-or-treat at Jerry’s house (or do)!

Number 1: The void

A favorite of millennials everywhere, the void is simple and easy to pull off. Just dress in all black, and maybe wear a black mask too. Or all white. Either way, the absence of literally anything will be sure to weird people out. If you want it to be M’s themed, just tell people you’re the team’s playoff appearances over the last sixteen years.

Oh shit, I actually looked up “void costume” and this came up. This is actually pretty scary. Don’t do this around me, I’ll leave.

Anyway, happy costuming! Get spooky with it!