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There is no Greek god of mediocrity, there are only the Seattle Mariners

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Although there is a Roman god named Crepitus who was the god of flatulence

Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

Good evening, and weLLcome to Lookout Landing. It was nice of you to stop by but really, what are you doing here? A few weeks ago this was a nice place to be but as the tide has turned, and men and women began to buy crisp new Russell Wilson jerseys, it’s grown a little ugly. Strong emotions of any kind, be they good or bad, fuel dynamic writing but this evening any creative juices were stifled by dry, early September mediocrity.

There are four little Word documents up on my computer screen right now. One is titled "Game Notes 9/6", but that hasn’t been added to since the eighth inning. There’s another, traditionally titled "Recap 9/6," and it’s a page long ode to Guillermo Heredia and human triumph in the darkness. Down in the corner, mostly out of the way, is a handful of hopeful half paragraphs filled with pithy Bark at the Park jokes, and unfulfilled promises, and one strange but brief account of the game from a Golden Retriever’s perspective. It has no title because I never bothered to save it. And now here we are, typing fruitlessly into "EndlessRecap.doc".

It seems silly to experience writer’s block when recapping a game that featured a final line for James Paxton at 4.1 innings pitched, 4 earned runs (2 unearned) on 9 hits with 8 strikeouts and no walks. That’s some weird ass baseball, my friend. This is a game that, in its almost four hour span, has defied traditional narratives at every turn and so, for all of you who have fought back against the more creative recaps this season, this one’s for you.

Paxton struck out four in the first inning and allowed one run off a trio of singles. The Mariners then scored a run of their own from a Guillermo Heredia walk that was eventually driven in by a Nelson Cruz single. In the second inning Kyle Seager made his 21st error of the season; a Delino DeShields double and a Carlos Beltran single scored two runs that were ultimately recorded as unearned. In the bottom half Shawn O’Malley reached second after an Elvis Andrus error and was able to score off a Heredia ground rule double. The top of the third inning featured a Carlos Gomez RBI double to score Andrus, and in the bottom of the inning Kyle Seager: Ranger Killer reappeared with a two run blast to tie the game. In the fourth inning the Rangers went down in order for the first time and Paxton threw his 97th pitch. The Mariners came up and…

No. This has to stop. Just because I suffered through this game does not mean you innocent readers must suffer as well. Instead:

Here are some highlights from the final five innings of the game:

Six and a half men pitched for the Mariners this evening (1 Pat Venditte = 1.5 David Rollins) and only Steve Cishek did not give up a run.

To that end, a baseball player touched home plate at least once every inning except the fourth, because Carlos Gomez accidentally stepped on the Rangers’ Hose of Luck and nobody saw until the fifth inning.

There were a few dogs at the park. Some of them wore bandanas. Some of them barked. They were all Very Good Dogs who did not deserve to lie on the concrete for four hours.

The Mariners were 3 for 12 with RISP and left 10 men on base. The Rangers were 7 for 21 and left 15 men on.

There were three errors tonight and only one double play.

Seth Smith hit a home run because he heard you say bad swears about him and this is how he exacts his revenge. Jonathon Lucroy hit a home run because he is having fun playing for a winning baseball team. Elvis Andrus hit a home run because if you are in Adrian Beltre’s vicinity long enough, tiny flecks of superstar can attach themselves to you too.

26 position players appeared on the field, and at the end of the night 37 men wearing baseball uniforms will be forever recorded in history as having participated in this game.

The Seattle Mariners lost to the Texas Rangers 10-7.