Clear and Present Dingers: An LL ExcLLusive

On July 31, 2016, the Seattle Mariners traded SP Wade Miley to the Baltimore Orioles for P Ariel Miranda. A previous investigation by the Lookout Landing Investigative Team uncovered the existence of a plot by two intrepid relief pitchers to subvert the front office machinations of both the Seattle Mariners and the Texas Rangers so as to return one Tom Wilhelmsen back to his preferred home in the Pacific Northwest. This week, an anonymous package was left at Lookout Landing HQ, with a note simply labeled "#KeepFighting". Inside was a tape recording and a few photographs. It appears to show former Mariner and current Baltimore Orioles starting pitcher Wade Miley engaging in an undercover operation ordered by a high-ranking member of the Seattle Mariners’ organization.

Presented below, without commentary, is the transcript of the tape, which unfortunately self-destructed upon its completion. Also included are the accompanying developed pictures that were able to be preserved.

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July 29th, 2016. Somewhere deep in the Wenatchee National Forest:

*loud knocking on door, sound of dog barking*

Jerry Dipoto: Good grief, Wade, I know you're in here. I've hiked halfway through the Cascades to get to this place. I’ve been bitten head to toe by mosquitoes. My best Patagonia button down is ripped to hell from climbing through the barbed wire you set up a mile back. I brought Steve Baron with me to finally explain to him the real reason he’s on the 40-man roster, but about five hours in we saw a bear and he took off running into the forest with the beast in hot pursuit and I don't know if we’ll ever even see him again. Let me in, man. It's important.

*door creaks ajar*

José Rivera - Shooter

Wade Miley: You've got five minutes.

JD: Look, Wade, I'm going to shoot straight with you. This season hasn't been great for you. You're well respected in the clubhouse for your honesty, to be sure. You've been eating innings just like we’d planned, but some of those innings haven't gone down… quite as smoothly as we’d like, let's say. None of that matters now, however.

WM: *grunts* Get to the point.

JD: I need you to investigate a situation we have been monitoring from afar for a while back on the East Coast. There has been a rash of home runs being hit in the Maryland area, and it has been spreading across the country at an alarming and unnatural rate. We have reason to believe this issue has originated within the Baltimore Orioles organization itself, and may be connected to a...regrettable trade we made with them.

WM: I've always hated those dirty birds… but what is it you're expecting me to do?

JD: You are going to go undercover within the Orioles organization and attempt to uncover the source of this power surge, and do anything you can to undermine their operations.

WM: Jerry, I appreciate your enthusiasm for justice, but there's one problem. I'm washed up. No way they’ll take on a shaky fading low velocity lefty.

JD: After you shut down the Cubs tomorrow, they will.

WM: *laughs* Now I know you're crazy. And what makes you think I'm gonna do something like that?

JD: Trust me. Do we have a deal?

WM: You're the boss. So what is the deal with Baron anyway?

JD: Well, actua-*sound of helicopter approaching rapidly* oh dear, there's my ride. I look forward to following your work, I have the utmost confidence in you.

WM: Why did you hike here when you have a helicopter?

JD: Let's just say our friend Mr. Baron was asking a few too many questions. You don't want to ask too many questions, do you Wade?

José Rivera

Didn't think so. We’ll be in touch.

*recording ends, skips for a few moments then begins at a different time and location*

*Voices of men talking and laughing, the sound of a shower going in the background. Unintelligible noises and what sounds like some fumbling around with the equipment and then…*

Voice 1: Can you believe Danny [Duquette] pulled it off again?

*chuckling* Voice 2: Everyone kept talking that Seattle GM up in the offseason, going on about how he was so much better than good ‘ol Jack, but first Trumbo, now Miley? Maybe Dan’s got some sort of dirt on Dipoto?

Voice 1: Maybe there’s just something in that marine layer that destroys rational thought for those guys. I mean, I don’t think Bill was all that stable to begin with though.

*quiet guffaw* Voice 2: Ain’t that the truth. Now, don’t get me wrong, Miranda was a good guy but a fringy fifth starter at best. And did you see Miley’s last start against the Cubs? Man, he could really be the push we need to beat out Boston for the division.

Voice 1: Heck, with our recent, shall we say, boost for the offense all we really need is a guy to get through a few innings without digging a hole, and we’ll make the wins happen. Not hard to upgrade the rotation anyway…

*in the distant background* Hey!

Voice 1: Sorry, sorry, you guys are doing great. Really, we’re super glad to have you on this team, not mad about those ERAs at all, nope, nope.

*More fumbling, then Miley’s voice comes through, hushed and a bit too close to the recorder*

Miley: For the record, that was Chris Davis and Adam Jones, heard in the locker room in Baltimore.

*Recording clicks on but everything is completely silent, save for the steady hum of a machine in the background*

*Whispering* Miley: I’m back in the laundry room of the clubhouse. I didn’t think anyone else was here this late, but I saw Trumbo dragging a giant bag down the hallway and decided to follow him in here. Something’s been bugging me about what Jones said earlier about that offensive boost an-

*footsteps can be heard in the background, and low murmuring voices. Miley breathes loudly through his mouth and into the recorder*

Miley: I can’t hear what’s going on, I’m gonna get closer.

*More shuffling and loud mouth breathing*

Miley: Okay, so Showalter’s here too, and Trumbo’s opening up the bag...it’s kinda lumpy...I don’t think it’s a body...it’s...they’re...baseballs? Gonna scoot a little closer...

José Rivera

Voice 1: Alright Buck, here’s a fresh supply. Should last the Texas series at least.

Voice 2: *sound of a ball bouncing on linoleum* Thanks Mark, this is good stuff. Really appreciate your work.

Voice 1: Not a problem. And everything’s going pretty smoothly, all things considered. A few baseball nerds online wrote about the possibility, but no one listens to them anyway.

Voice 2: Good stuff. Although you might want to watch out for Dozier out in Minneapolis. He never was known for his subtlety.

Voice 1: Oh don’t worry, we’ve been monitoring Brian and plan to act accordingly, if things get further out of hand.

Voice 2: Not that the Twins would be a threat to us this year

*Loud, pompous laughter*

*Two sets of retreating footsteps, and the soft drag of cloth along the floor*

Miley, still whispering: Holy smokes, this must be what Dipoto was talking about. It all makes sense now. I knew it couldn’t just be park factor bs!

*Partial transcript of a phone call between Wade Miley and Jerry Dipoto*

Miley: Jerry, this is it, I’ve figured out what’s been going on out in Baltimore. So what now? Do I call Manfred? Or the MLBPA?

Dipoto: No, no, no, no, no. From what you said, you don’t have any real evidence, just an overheard conversation. Besides, the Commissioner’s notoriously weak with his punishments.

Miley: I’ve been giving up as many home runs as possible hoping folks will notice but it seems like they’re all turning a blind eye! What am I supposed to do? Just let them cheat?

Dipoto: Of course not, you cou- *crackling and distorted voices*

Automated female voice: We’re sorry, this call has been terminated. Please hang up.

*Recording skips ahead one final time, and shows a scene of several Orioles players surrounding Mark Trumbo, facing Miley*

Trumbo: Well well well, I always thought there was something suspicious about you, Wade. Never trusted a man with a beard, in truth.

Miley: You’ll never get away with this, Mark. I'm here to stop you, once and for all.

All: *laughter*

Trumbo: You thought those homers you gave up would be enough? Clearly you don't know how high this thing goes. Offense is up significantly for the first time in years and you think they're gonna crack down on us? Face it, Wade: You lost.

Miley: Not as long as this arm can pitch it's not.

José Rivera

Trumbo: Let’s see how many starts you'll be making the rest of the way, chump. C’mon boys, the latest shipment for the Diamondbacks series just got here. I think it could use an extra dose.

*Orioles shuffle off laughing*

Miley: This... Saturday... you bastards, I’ll be there for Arizona... *coughs* Amazon Prime… drone pickup & delivery… The world… has… to know… the trutjfjhd….

*End of recording*