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Survivor Series, Mariners Style

Celebrate a Mariners title with a battle for the ages.

Every year in late November there is a rasslin' PPV called Survivor Series in which teams of big strapping men square off for absolutely real and not scripted supremacy. The Mariners, having won their first World Series title by that point this year, will be hawt commodities and thus will need to be included as the main event. But who should face off in the squared circle? We, your baseball-players-as-wrestlers experts, are here to present our two selected teams and the wrestling avatars that should take their place, because we're pretty sure there's contractual reasons why Felix Hernandez can't be powerbombed through a table.

Team George

Kyle Seager, aka Cesaro
In the pro wrestling industry, some guys are referred to as "good hands." These are men that can go out and consistently have great matches out of a broomstick (or the Great Khali) and make it look good. However, for all the world beating talent they have, for whatever reason, they aren’t really over with every crowd. We love Seager in Seattle, but he definitely doesn’t get the national attention he deserves. Cesaro is probably pound for pound the strongest man in the WWE, but there are some arenas where he’ll come out to just straight crickets.

King Felix, aka The Undertaker
Nobody is held to a higher regard by their fans and colleagues alike. They have consistently come through for years and more often than not, have had to carry the entire franchise on their backs. The parallels don’t stop there, as they are both living (or in Taker’s case dead?) proof that father time is undefeated. These two standard bearers aren’t what they used to be. The silver lining, however, is that they still have a tendency to step up when needed.

Charlie Furbush and Tom Wilhelmsen, aka Enzo Amore and Big Cass.
A couple of very entertaining men that, when push comes to shove, are able to come through in the clutch. More often than not, their antics can be a little too over the top.

Ken Griffey, Jr., aka The Rock
A household name, unwaveringly popular, the industry in their genetics. These men are both so charismatic, you almost forget they have abandoned you...twice.

Team Sanders

Robinson Cano, aka John Cena
The big name. The Face That Runs The Place. Cano and Cena both have won both personal and team awards. Both are considered to be nice guys and are pretty damn good at what they do, and yet they have their detractors. Every team needs a leader and a frontman, and Cano is my guy.

Franklin Gutierrez, aka Daniel Bryan
Once the future of the franchise but felled by injuries, and now back doing different things in a part-time, relatively unsatisfying role. You just hope he has one more highlight left in him.

Shawn O'Malley, aka Dolph Ziggler
Need a guy to start and headline your lineup? He's here for you. Need him to sit on the bench and let the other guys have a chance? Sure, he can do that too. Everyone needs the jack-of-all-trades.

Edwin Diaz, aka Becky Lynch
A newcomer from a foreign land thrust into a prominent role, yet has handled it without missing a beat thanks to a Straight Fire approach.

Dan Vogelbach, aka Husky Harris
The tubby guy! Someone has to provide the unbridled power and rotundness while still being effective and believable.