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Boston Red Sox Dump Mariners' Irish Breakfast Tea in the Harbor

You hopped on the Seattle Mariners Roller Coaster and first it was slow, then it went fast and twirly, and then it stopped altogether while you were hanging upside down.

Jim Rogash/Getty Images

This was not the recap I wanted to write. This was not the game that you wanted to see. Or hear. Or watch slowly load on the abomination that is the new GameDay. Some games lend themselves to the roller coaster narrative more easily than others and, at the beginning, this game looked like it would be appropriate for all heights and ages. We had John Trupin Ariel Miranda on the mound, as unknown an entity as could be had on a Major League starting lineup, facing off against David Ortiz and his eight friends. Dingers were assumed, and it was only a matter of which team would have more at the end of the night.

Stress level: low and carefree

When Miranda loaded the bases with one out in the first I put the first episode of Bachelor in Paradise on in the background because it’s good to learn how to multitask and everyone has a guilty pleasure, okay? Somehow he got out of that jam, having thrown only 17 pitches in the inning. The Mariners then took a peek at Drew Pomeranz, said, “no thank you” to his 88 MPH offerings, and hustled back onto the field. The first home run we’d been anticipating came in the top of the second when Travis Shaw launched a 2-0 offering into the seats in right field. Rather than come undone, Miranda struck out the next three. The next two innings were quiet, save for the bottom of the fourth when Pomeranz walked Nelson Cruz, Dae-Ho Lee, and newly-disciplined Mike Zunino. But the Mariners remembered their manners once more and said, “no thank you.” During this time it is worth noting that Guillermo Heredia completed the final step of his Seattle Mariners Initiation Process when he was thrown out stealing second. Congratulations, Guillermo!

Stress level: non-existent

The action picked up a bit in the top of fifth, when Miranda gave up back-to-back doubles to Bryce Bentz and Mookie Betts, but ultimately allowed only one run to score- helped in part by newly-initiated Mariner and magnificently athletic outfielder Heredia.

Stress level: recognition and acceptance. We’ve all seen this Mariners game before, and at this point the Bachelor had begun to infiltrate some of my game notes.

For those of you who did not hear the jolly music between innings, this evening was Irish Heritage Night at Safeco Field and good guy Shawn O’Malley wasn’t about to leave the stadium without paying homage to his ancestors. He launched the first pitch 409 feet away, beyond left field, for his first home run of 2016 and his second Major League home run ever. This is your courtesy reminder that 28 year old Shaw O’Malley still carries his rookie status, along with a small piece of my underdog-loving heart. A Good Bunt from Heredia, and an RBI single from Lee all of a sudden tied the game, but Kyle Seager is a kind host and said, “no thank you” to the indulgent prospect of more runs.

Stress level: The Bachelor has been turned off. I repeat, the Bachelor has been turned off.

The ensuing four innings featured no scoring on either side, but pitching appearances from Not Joaquin Benoit, that one guy you forgot was hiding in the corner of the bullpen, and the Bartender. Ariel Miranda pleasantly surprised everyone but himself with a final line of 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 H, 1 BB and 5 Ks.

Stress level: Palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.

The Mariners did not score in the bottom of the ninth inning.

Stress level: Words fail. My game notes for the tenth inning are now exclusively feature sound effects.

Top of 10: Hnnnnngh and whoosh (does someone need to get Blake Parker a paper bag?)

Bottom 10: Argh and oof

The Red Sox broke the stalemate in the top of the eleventh when a Brock Holt single scored Mariners scourge Travis Shaw. Trailing by one, and with one down and a runner on, Scott Servais gave Martin the sign to bunt and a few minutes later the Mariners lost the game. I do not like bunts. I also do not like double plays. You are now welcome to fight about this decision in the space below.