Seattle Mariners @ Texas Rangers: Two Thumbs Down

An intriguing premise can’t rescue this disappointing summer thriller from a dreary plot, unlikable characters, and an unsatisfactory conclusion.

By John Trupin@JohnTrupin Aug 31, 2016, 3:18pm PDT

I hope every reader of Lookout Landing is gainfully employed. If not working, then perhaps in school, or maybe taking a day off and doing something engaging today. If none of this is true and you have been home today, firstly, no judgment, and secondly, hopefully you found something entertaining to do. Regardless of the doldrums you may find yourself mired in, I cannot discourage the viewing of Seattle Mariners @ Texas Rangers strongly enough. They say that tragedy plus time equals comedy, and perhaps one day we will look back on this flop with fondness, but that equation will take many years to balance out.

The story had a compelling, if cliched hook. An aging King sets out to save his crumbling kingdom from collapse after years of mismanagement and buffoonery by those around him. He is challenged, too, by a rival nation from the south, whose fortunes have waxed as the old King’s waned. As the Mariners of the north and the Rangers of the south meet in battle, it appears as though a matchup of drama and intrigue and swashbuckling daring-do is sure to ensue.

Daring-don’t get your hopes up.

This bloated 181 minute “epic” relies on trope after trope, and presents the King’s compatriots as a fleet of oafs who serve only as slapstick vehicles.

This shtick becomes so overplayed that the audience struggles to feel sympathy for the hapless Mariners.

Even when the Rangers become vicious and aggressive towards the poor Mariners, their listless performance renders their mistreatment numbing to the audience.

The veteran king held his own briefly, and a few of his men gave a valiant effort, but, with the aid of a malevolent trickster, disguised as an impartial diplomat, Todd Tichenor, the tide of the battle quickly turned. The “climax” of the tale, if it can be called that, came as the King faced off against the Rangers newest champion, Carlos Gómez, with Gómez’s brethren surrounding the King. The battle was over before it began, it seemed, and the tall, rejuvenated Ranger laid the King low with one mighty swing of his greatclub.

The King lay shattered, and if this had been the conclusion, it might have been a touching, though grim tale. Gripping, too, would have been a final act that held a reversal of fortune, where the King’s compatriots united for a quest of vengeance. Instead, the second half of the story focused on the somber realities of conflict, and the crushing deconstruction suffered, physically and psychologically, by the losers. In the best scene of this macabre finale, two characters on opposing sides reflect on the unfairness of competition sometimes.