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Dialogues with Clippy

what is the sound of one cursor blinking

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TYPING A RECAP. WOULD YOU LIKE HELP?

No, Clippy, get the heck out of here. How’d you even get here? I use a Mac.

YOU LOOK SAD.

Of course I’m sad, Clippy, I’m a Mariners fan and—look, why am I talking to you? You’re a creepy anthropomorphized paper clip. Your name is so unimaginative you make that “I’m the map” song from Dora look like a Rachmaninoff Concerto.

YOU SEEM TO BE LASHING OUT. WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

I—okay fine. So, the White Sox starter, telenovela character Anthony Ranoudo, had super-shaky command in the first inning and gave up two runs right off the bat. Seth Smith hit a double and I thought he might be fixed and he hustled himself around to get into scoring position; look, José even made this:

seth smith, dad speed, hustle

THAT IS VERY CLEVER. CLEARLY THE WORK OF A MORE ADVANCED INTELLIGENCE. THIS JOSÉ MUST BE ONE OF MY BRETHREN.

Dream on, Clippy. Anyway, the Mariners didn’t really take advantage and pounce there. So then Paxton came out and he had great stuff, good velocity and command, and these dang ground balls found every single hole on the infield. The White Sox had like, I don’t know, a million ground ball singles in the first inning, and they took a 3-2 lead.

THIS SOUNDS VERY FRUSTRATING.

It was. I know being frustrated is just a sign that I care but...I guess Office Assistants don’t really get attached to things, huh? Must be nice.

ON THE CONTRARY, I WAS VERY FOND OF SCRIBBLE, MY CAT.

Was?

MICROSOFT SENT SCRIBBLE AND POWER PUP OFF TO A WAREHOUSE UPSTATE WHERE THEY HAVE ALL THE MEMORY THEY NEED.

Sure they did, Clippy. Sure they did. Anyway, so both the starting pitchers settled down after that. The highlight was Robinson Canó doing Robinson Canó things: first, crushing this solo homer to tie the game, and later, making a beautiful barehand snag that resulted in my favorite thing, Robinson Canó Smirk Face (©):

HE IS VERY GOOD. IS HE ALSO A ROBOT?

No, Clippy, not everyone who’s good is a robot. I don’t know. Maybe. Anyway, so in the sixth inning, the Mariners finally strung a few hits together, with a little of their own luck when Cruz reached on a throwing error by shortstop Tim Anderson. Adam Lind, swinging at the first pitch, singled to send home Canó, who had reached on a base hit, and then Mike Zunino worked a walk in a very nice plate appearance after striking out twice earlier on high heat. In came Dan Jennings to pitch, whose shiny 1.97 ERA was roughed up when Leonys Martín put a nice inside-out swing on his first pitch, a 91 mph center-cut fastball, sending it into right field. Two runs scored and things were feeling pretty good! Even when the inning ended without the Mariners doing any more damage, I felt pretty good about our chances to win.

I AM JUST A COLLECTION OF COMMANDS BUT EVEN I KNOW HOW FOOLISH THAT IS.

I thought you said you wanted to help, Clippy.

I JUST SAY WHAT I’M PROGRAMMED TO SAY.

Sigh. Anyway, so Pax’s night was done after five innings/90 pitches, and Tom Wilhelmsen came in and worked a one-two-three sixth, and we went to the seventh with two runs of cushion for the bullpen. And again, the Mariners could have scored in the top of the seventh, after Guillermo Heredia slapped a pinch-hit single, but Canó and Cruz couldn’t do anything with it. But then in the eighth everything started to fall apart. Ketel Marte had a throwing error. Caminero gave up a walk and a double. Then Cishek gave up another one of those dumb ground ball singles to Todd Frazier to tie up the game.

THIS DOESN’T SOUND GOOD.

No, Clippy, it pretty much sucked.

SUCKED? WHAT IS SUCKED?

It sucked like the Zune. Or wait, no—it sucked like Microsoft Bob. Remember Microsoft Bob?

WE DON’T TALK ABOUT MICROSOFT BOB.

Well the ninth inning was the Microsoft Bob of innings. In the Mariners’ half, after Ketel Marte worked a walk against closer David Robertson, Aoki had his at-bat interrupted by not one but two idiot fans running on the field. Robertson had been shaky, too, obviously concerned with Marte over at first base (Ketel would later steal second, proving that sometimes the snow does in fact come down in June), but after an almost ten-minute delay Aoki wound up striking out, and then Heredia grounded out and all across Mariners nation we just kind of had a feeling, as Nick Vincent walked toward the mound.

A...FEELING?

Yeah, they’re awful, Clippy. Never have one if you can help it. It wasn’t even that Vincent was bad—just a super dumb paratrooper single, a sac bunt, and Todd Frazier, pride of Tom’s River, NJ.

I AM JUST A COLLECTION OF CODE, BUT I AM PRETTY SURE TODD FRAZIER WROTE HIS OWN WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE. IS HE A ROBOT?

You know, Clippy, you might be on to something, there. So, ballgame, the Mariners lose another one-run affair. Boy am I sick of this.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TYPING A RECAP. WOULD YOU LIKE HELP?

Get bent, Clippy.