We all read a lot of things on the Internet. It's full of quizzes, lists, things to buy, things to sell, different places you should travel, and pictures. Even Facebook is on the Internet. However, one thing I've noticed is that it's completely and utterly void of dating advice. Not a single page of this proverbial World Wide Web helps a lost and lonely soul find love in all the right places and I won't stand for it anymore. I care too much about you. As someone who cares, I decided to put together a handy list of my own, that could be stapled to local telephone poles, handed out at bars, even slapped under a windshield wiper blade, to let everyone know that not only are you single, ready to mingle, and can read. But that also, you're a Mariners fan, and as such, ready to rumble. Why should they date you? Well, that seems pretty damn obvious.
Here to help is staff writer and relationship extraordinaire Isabelle Minasian who comes bearing her usual pitfalls and downsides.
Look, this isn't Fever Pitch and Safeco Field sure isn't Fenway Pahk; Jimmy Fallon isn't going to cackle-giggle his way into your heart, and Bahstahn fans are far better and more deserving than Mariners fans (just ask them). Ms fans are a miserable bunch and you'd do better not to date one.
D: Mariners fans love baseball which is a relatively slow sport. Their attention span is easily won!
I: Mariners fans have less time to devote to relationships than normal people. On average, during the season, Mariners fans will lose approximately 5 hours of any given day: 3-4 hours on the game itself and at least one more hour dwelling in the joy or pain that the game brought. Extra innings losses or blown saves? Yeah, you'll be sleeping on your own tonight.
D: Mariners fans are from Seattle where rain makes the winter months nearly intolerable. They'd love to see your family over the Holidays!
I: *ahem, not all Mariners fans are from Seattle and therefore this point is made entirely invalid
D: Ken Griffey Jr. is a famous Mariners player who M's fans love and he only left us twice. They can handle abrupt changes of major circumstances!
I: Mariners fans have trust issues. Even after you've been together for years, signed a long-term lease on an apartment, got a dog, etc. an M's fan will still worry their partner might leave them and move to New York because that's where the real winners are.
D: Safeco Field has a retractable roof which means that Mariners fans are used to watching baseball blissfully unaware of outside conditions. They find bliss in all situations!
I: Mariners fans are unaware of their surroundings and subsequently will never notice, or compliment, your new haircut.
D: Seattle Mariners fans once watched multiple seasons of Justin Smoak. M's fans can speak in a really sexy accent because of it.
I: M's fans always expect you to fall just shy, and even when something miraculously works out they will still be consumed by the memories of all the times you got their hopes up, and will therefore always slightly resent you.
D: Fans of the Seattle Mariners have watched countless managers famous for their lengthy in-game tirades. From throwing bases, hats, running around aimlessly, and kicking dirt on home plate, when M's fans get angry, it's always hilarious!
I: Fighting with an M's fan is worse than fighting with a normal person because they're supremely apathetic but remember everything. This creates a kind of passive aggression usually only found in middle school girls.
D: The beer at Safeco field is nationally renowned for both its variety and quality. Seattle Mariners fans have an excellent palette!
I: The beer at Safeco Field is atrociously expensive. Seattle Mariners fans have no money to spend on you.
D: Seattle Mariners fans are used to paying high prices for decent food when going to games. They're the ideal partner to take on a long dinner date where you forgot your wallet!
I: Ms fans are so accustomed to overpaying for food and experiences that they've completely lost the ability to recognize when something is actually worth it. You will feel eternally underappreciated.
D: Seattle Mariners fans get to see three banners hanging in the stands of Safeco Field. It isn't a lot, but they are always looking towards the future and hoping for more!
I: Mariners fans put way too much stock into large swaths of fabric, and therefore you are always guaranteed to get in fights with them about stupid things like sheets. Should you throw all those old sheets away and overpay to get fancy, high thread count ones? Or do you just hold on to the ones you have and hope they'll stay nice enough? If that sounds like a useless argument to you, do not date an Ms fan.
D: Inside Safeco Field is a beer garden named The Pen. It's an awesome place to drink, meet friends, and avoid most of the action on the field. Mariners fans are incredibly social and easy to talk to!
I: If you decide to date a Mariners fan you find in The Pen there's nothing else to say except "I'm sorry". Fueled by hot takes and Keystone Light, those you find in The Pen are a special kind of sweaty horror; if you're looking for romantic connections the only place that could be worse to meet an Ms fan is twitter.com
D: Seattle Mariners fans love big butts and they cannot lie. Feel free to eat that entire pizza!
I: M's fans love to self-righteously heckle big butts. Even if your butt is better than theirs, when things are not going their way they will call you lazy and bad from their spot on the couch.
D: Seattle Mariners fans have become accustomed to over a decade full of willful ineptitude, ignorant losing, and straight-up abject failure. Not only that, but have done so at the expense of an entire nation forgetting they exist while stumbling and bumbling through both their national television appearances which have come for the first time in over a decade to boot. Not only are Mariners fans desperate for anything resembling attention and care, but Seattle Mariners fans will do whatever it takes for love. Desperation breeds passion. M's fans will do anything between the sheets!
I: Are you looking for someone who has simply resigned themselves to sadness and mediocrity after years of disappointment? Is your idea of #relationshipgoals an evening out at a nice restaurant with a recalcitrant date, upset after another blown save? Do you value a partner whose mood changes constantly based on events entirely out of your control? Does the checklist for your ideal mate feature characteristics such as sadness, possession of unrealistic expectations, or eternal frustration? If so, The Pen opens two and a half hours before game time- have at it! Just don't come running to me in a few weeks when the two of you get into a blow up fight after they refuse to wear the nice Miller jersey you found on sale. If, however, you're looking for someone slightly more stable, I've heard Seahawks fans are totally chill.