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Your guide on how angry to be about Mariners not making the All-Star team

The important thing isn't which emotion to feel, but how strongly to feel the only one that matters

Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

Tonight, at 4 PM Pacific on ESPN, Major League Baseball will announce the 2016 All-Stars during the "Esurance All-Star Selection Show". I am very glad they found such a suitable sponsor for such a rich, and timeless affair. The Mariners have many players having good years, but no one having an MVP-calber season. The combination of being a traditionally bad team, geographic isolation, and no stand out seasons will lead to the Mariners once again not having a positional starter.

The team will have an All-Star though. In fact the way I see it breaking down the team should end up with 2-4 representatives depending on how injuries and/or "three day vacations masked as injuries" shake out. I do not particularly care about the All-Star Game on a personal level. I do care about the players on the Seattle Mariners, as they are the team I have chosen to root for, and their overall happiness. For players who seek and long for the honor of All-Star making the cut serves as a career highlight, and something to look back on after their careers are over. So, even though there's nothing inherently "good" about being an All-Star, I'll still take note of tonight's announcement.

Invariably, of course, there will be snubs. Snubs are the takes of the All-Star Game Festivities, and takes are what make this here world wide web go 'round. As such, if and when one of the Mariners in contention for an All-Star berth does not make it I am here to tell you how angry you should be. There is nothing, dear reader, more important than your anger, and where you choose to focus it. This is the key to the Internet. Ready? Here we go:

Chris Iannetta

93 wRC+, .307 wOBA, 0.9 fWAR (4th in the AL among catchers)

Chances of being an All-Star

About the same as this happening

Montero Trout

(H/T to "Jeff" Sullivan)

Of all current Mariners, Iannetta was the one I most wanted to see get the call. An 11-year veteran, coming off the worst season of his career, his decent over all numbers, combined with the weak class of catchers in the American League left open the possibility for a last-minute honor. Sadly, a poorly timed slump (.523 OPS since June 15th), and the emergence of much more familiar names Matt Wieters and Brian McCann probably keeps him out of the running, unless there are multiple injuries between now and the game itself.

How mad you should be if he doesn't make it

About as angry as when the barista misspells your name on your cup.

Nelson Cruz

141 wRC+, .379 wOBA, 1.9 fWAR (3rd in the AL among designated hitters)

Chances of making the team

I have a Wii U, and I like it a lot. It's clearly a hugely flawed system, and it doesn't do all the things you want and expect from a modern gaming system. You can point to the games you love that you only get on a Nintento system, but the reality is that gaming consoles today are built largely around online functionality, communal experience, live-streaming, gritty shooters, etc. and you realize that the Wii U just doesn't really do any of that. It's great at what it does, but it's a one-tool machine in a world of five-toolers.

Still, Mario Kart 8 is a blast, Donkey Kong is there, Zelda is coming. It's really great, and I'm glad I have it, even if it kind of only does a few things well.

This all to say I think Nelson Cruz has a pretty good chance of making the All-Star Team.

How mad you should be if he doesn't make it

See now we're venturing into legit "time to rage against the haterz" territory. Cruz's 21 home runs, very good offensive line, and extremely likable persona would make him an absolute lock in a more exposed media market. He's almost certainly the 2nd best DH in the American League this year, behind David Ortiz, and him being slighted would make me go torch a bee hive or something just to piss off Ned Yost (NOTE: We need bees, don't kill bees).

Kyle Seager

133 wRC+, .366 wOBA, 2.7 fWAR (3rd among AL 3rd basemen)

Chances of making the team

Ok look, here's the thing. Manny Machado is amazing, but he has nine more games at shortstop than third base. Josh Donalson is the reigning MVP, and has almost 5 fWAR, I get that. Evan Longoria is the only Ray worth a damn, so sure. But look at Kyle Seager! Just look at 'em! After a horrendous first two weeks of the season Seager is currently all shiny and chrome, with a career high wRC+, slugging, BB%, and on pace to hit 30 home runs for the first time in his career.

His defense has been it's usual above averageness, despite some errors at extremely inopportune moments. He is, once again, a rock-steady, one of the very best in his position, pencil him in for 3.5-5.5 fWAR year after year, cornerstone player. Our boy's a star!

That said, the positional crunch and Longoria being the Rays only real choice makes it very possible Seager is the name left out in the American League this year. It's going to be close.

How mad you should be if he doesn't make it

The key component here is whether you choose to appropriate your anger towards injustice or just not getting what you want. Kyle Seager not making the All-Star Team, given the context of the position and other factors, is no great shame. If you're the kind of person who can watch the torture scene in Braveheart and say "Well you know he did kill a lot of innocent people, and he really didn't need to mail the Prince of York's head to Longshanks.." then Seager's ommission probably won't bother you too much.

HOWEVER, if you want Kyle Seager to make the All-Star Team because you love him and he is OUR ONLY DRAFTED AND DEVELOPED POSITION PLAYER WORTH A DAMN AND A PRECIOUS UNICORN WITH A BIG BUTT AND GOOFY HEAD then you should be ready to do what I just did, switch caps lock on, and take your rage out on the social media platforms of your choosing. Put graphics on Spider-Man pics for Facebook, scream at people on Reddit, let it out. This is what being online is all about.

Robinson Cano

141 wRC+, .378 wOBA, 3.1 fWAR (2nd among AL 2nd basement)

Chances of making the team

How mad you should be if he doesn't make it

1. Write your Congressperson a strongly worded message

2. Go into the office of your coworker who doesn't like baseball, and just YELL at him/her about how totally fucked up it all is for at least fifteen minutes. If there's no HR complaint, you ain't trying.

3. Punch your computer. Go ahead. You know you've always wanted to. Try it. Just take a picture of Chone Figgins in a Mariner uniform, blow it up real big like, wind up, and sock it. Our addiction to technology is just another way we're failing ourselves daily, so you're doing yourself a favor.

4. Go find the fanbase of whichever CLEARLY INFERIOR PLAYER who made it over Cano plays for, and yell and scream at them about how bad their player, team, city, and lives are. This is the only correct way to determine who's team is best anyway, so it's a highly efficient use of your time.*

5. Get in your car, close the doors and windows, and force yourself to listen to Cotton Eye Joe for twenty-five minutes on loop. In order to purge the anger, you must acknowledge that this failing begins with you. That's right, you know you forgot to vote the maximum number of times online last Monday. Sure, you were busy, and you hadn't called your parents in awhile. But that's no excuse. You failed, again. You must be punished.

Where did you come from? Where did you go?

*If you actually do this you will be banned at Lookout Landing