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The Mariners don't beat the Pirates, which is, to be honest, kind of well deserved

The Pirates scored ten runs and the Mariners had one. Here's to PullBens, personally

hey uh, who wants to bet i'll both ruin and give this game meaning over the next thirty-five minutes
hey uh, who wants to bet i'll both ruin and give this game meaning over the next thirty-five minutes
Joe Sargent/Getty Images

well, shit

I seriously debated making the entire recap those two words, but then I realized that you all pay for much more than that to access this premium content here on the lookout landing dot coms. Ha--well, ok at least maybe half of that statement. But fine--if we were to cut to the chase, what we had tonight was literally two baseball games, two baseball games which featured two potentially playoff-ready teams facing each other with two less-than-playoff-worthy-outcomes that kind of makes you want to take everything you've read over the past year and throw it down the god damned drain.

First, there was James Paxton. The dad himself, papa jr, reminding you of that quote he sputtered out after losing that first game after the All-Star break to the Astros, when he said, and I quote,

I feel like I was trying to trick guys by pitching like a crafty lefty instead of pitching like the power pitcher that I am. I need to embrace the fact that I am a power pitcher.

Read more here:

Ok Pax. What you got for us today, O Canada sir, Dr. Soh-ree? Captain Aboot-Too-sip-a-Molson-Eh??

pax velo

Again, well, shit. The first thing you will notice here is that James Paxton is entering the third inning having not given up a single run to a pretty damned good Pirates lineup. Fearing what happened the last time he apparently got nervous and half-assed it, he decided to remember he was a power pitcher, throwing a zillion miles an hour. So what went wrong to lead off the third with a triple such as this? Command, perhaps. All the rest of the pitchers on this godforsaken team have had a number of inexplicable injuries which might lead us to question their future efficiency on a team with playoff dreams. Maybe it was bad calls from behind the plate--no, no, if Mike Z is good for anything it's at least that. Perhaps I dare not say. Or should I? Perhaps we should open the archives and OH GOD NO SAY IT ISNT SO


(let it be known the GIF Lord @whoisjoserivera named this file "nori_aoki_doing_stupid_shit_again.gif")

And there we have it, folks. This triple gave way to an RBI double, which gave way to another RBI double from a depressingly dreads-less Andrew McCutchen, which eventually gave way to a BASES LOADED WALK, which suddenly made it 3-0 Pirates, with Honus Wagner nowhere to be seen at all whatsoever.

The Mariners finally got one in the sixth after this very same Nori Aoki led off the inning with an 0-1 double, advancing to third on a Seth Smith grounder, and scoring on a Robbie Canó sac fly. It would be the only run the Mariners would score all night. Suddenly the game would give way to Game Two, and just as everyone has been saying that this new class of relievers makes it so that runs just don't score in the last three innings of games anymore, you kind of have to wonder what it means when relievers give up SEVEN FUCKING RUNS in the final two innings of a ballgame, especially when well Howdy Doody there, good sir!

And surely Nathan Karns and David Rollins responded with actually, you know what? let's not do this. Let's just not.

Tomorrow the M's look to start something new by sending Kuma to the mound against Jon Lester and the team that is going to face them in the World Series, the Chicago Cubs. I bought a Cubs hat a Cooperstown this weekend, and while I won't be wearing it tomorrow, you can be sure that all the pessimism I've expressed over the previous few paragraphs will come back to full force as the M's try to do literally anything at all, especially when they are on Sunday Night Baseball for the first time since they were building the pyramids. I believe the expression is goms, or something about biz. But for now, all I can think of to say is