Perhaps you have heard The Real World is coming back to Seattle.
Perhaps you are like Twitter user R, and you need a history lesson.
Well, The Real World is a reality show developed by MTV that picked seven completely dysfunctional personalities and threw them into a house in a city in America. The premise being theoretically these people work and live together and learn things about themselves. But in reality, all they do is black out together, have sex together, fight together, and then later sign up to be The Challenge All-Stars together.
And now this grim specter of humanity is returning to plague Seattle again, one of Capitol Hill's last dying gasps of relevance as a redeemable neighborhood. This is significant, because The Real World: Seattle provided the series with one of its most memorable moments since it first came on the air in 1992: the slap heard round the world.
Being the connoisseur of all things trashy and wrong with American, I took it upon myself to try and figure out what would be the most entertaining Real World house if it were made up solely of Seattle Mariners players, past, present, and not future. And with the help of Twitter, here they are.
First off, a quick aside on a notably missing person here. I took Milton Bradley off this list. Bradley’s Mariners’ career was a comedy of errors, like a lot of his baseball career as well. But Bradley’s personal life is real and is a tragedy. In a post that is supposed to be tongue in cheek and stupid, Bradley’s life was anything but that.
And so, with further ado, I present you The Real World: Seattle Mariners.
This is the story of seven teammates, picked to play in a stadium, share lockers together, and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real.
This was a no-brainer. There hasn't been a Mariner as goofy and entertaining as Kawasaki in quite some time, and we will probably go years until we witness someone with his comedic brilliance. His time with the Mariners will hold no significance from a statistical point of view. But without the Mariners, the world wouldn't have witnessed Kawasaki as we have all come to know him. One player, in a short time, captured the hearts of an entire fanbase.
He graduated from the Mariners, and he moved on to take over the rest of the nation. Kawasaki is the rare Real Worlder that is actually able to do something with their lives, sort of like Mike Mizanin (if you count being The Miz on WWE as do something with your life).
One of the hallmarks of the stereotypical Real World seasons is including that individual who grew up in small town America and is thrust into a situation that is supposed to open his/her eyes. But instead of opening his/her eyes, this poor soul is left to flounder and drown in a sea of alcohol, vomit, and shit that never stops bubbling over the rim of the toilet.
Seager is just that person. He grew up in Concord, North Carolina, and didn’t even leave the state for the first time until he was 19 (unverified). He is that classic good ‘ol American boy. He is the kind of guy when asked what his favorite meal is he staunchly says hamburger, and when asked what his favorite kind of beer is he says ONE Budweiser because he likes to take care of his body and watch those empty calories. He goes to church with his grandmother every Sunday and then takes her back home and plays bridge with her every Sunday afternoon. Seager is the classic seventh member of The Real World cast, the member that even hardcore watchers of the show (if they even exist anymore) have trouble remembering his name.
The Early Incarnation of Norm Charlton
Norm Charlton is an impressive individual, if only because he had a nickname for himself and also pitched in a bullpen that had its own nickname. He was “The Sheriff” of “The Nasty Boys.” Charlton makes for good TV. He is a Southern boy that doesn’t take a lick of guff. He plows over Mike Scioscia for runs. He doesn’t even make a play for the plate. He spears the person blocking it. And he does it in his warmups because "The Sheriff" never cools down.
Charlton would maintain his energy after those days with The Nasty Boys, and he was always ready to defend his teammates at a moment's notice. With each Real World city announcement being met by nothing but pretty much disdain from the general public (how them cheekbones feeling Danny?), The Real World: Seattle Mariners would be smart to staff an enforcer to protect his fellow cast members.
Carl Everett doesn't believe in dinosaurs. That alone makes him a lock for the show. Just the sheer volume of beyond ignorant statements that would spew from his mouth would make The Real World: Seattle Mariners relevant in the realm of reality television. The Ringer would start a new column: This Week in Carl Everettisms.
Here are a few of them to start before we even air.
You can make bones in the lab nowadays. And every year they come out with a different dinosaur movie, so does that mean that that dinosaur existed? A lot of things are being made that you would never see walk on this Earth.
When pressed that the moon landing was possibly real:
Yeah, that could have happened. It's possible. That is something you could prove. You can't prove dinosaurs ever existed. I feel it's far-fetched.
Everett has gone so far as to say that he thrives on hatred, which would make him a desirable candidate for any reality television show.
Capitol Hill crime statistics have been slowly climbing on upticks as more and more people have crammed into the tiny area. As such, we will need another enforcer to protect our venerable house. That is where Arthur Rhodes comes into play. He was famously ejected from a game over his earrings, and he didn’t like the fact that the kerfluffle originated from an Omar Vizquel request.
After the game, here were his thoughts on going toe to toe with Vizquel.
"A little midget. I'm not worried about him. A buck 25. You think I'm scared of him?"
No Arthur. We are quite aware you aren't afraid of anyone.
Buhner is someone that was truly made for the national spotlight. The Mariners used to let in people for free that would get their hair "cut" like Buhner, which saved many a grandmother and grandfather a few dollars on tickets in exchange for hair that would most likely never grow back.
In fact, according to MLB.com and the rock solid source of information that is the Internet, approximately 22,000 fans would get their heads shaved over the course of Buhner Buzz Night during his time with the Seattle Mariners.
Buhner has graduated onto greater things since he retired from baseball. He spends some time spreading his gospels on Mariners' broadcasts, but he is also well known for his truck selling capabilities, where he has no bones about being in commercials that broadcast the glory of trucks, trucks, and more trucks.
Buhner’s entire life philosophy is to swing for the fences. He is the Mariners’ all-time strikeout leader with 1,375, and he plays baseball the only way he knows how: his way. Buhner also has the lowest career stolen-base percentage since 1954, having attempted 30 times and only succeeding six times. Only green lights exist in Buhner’s world. A guy like Buhner is the key ingredient for a successful cast of Real Worlders. He is loud, bombastic, doesn’t shut up, and will probably end up saying controversial things that later need to be retracted/explained by MTV.
Finally, for our final cast member, we are dipping into the archives. Much like Buhner, Goose Gossage does things his way and only his way. He also helped pave the way for what is known as the closer role today, and has no problem letting everyone know he is the best.
He refused to let himself be compared to Mariano Rivera for years, until finally conceding semi-recently that Rivera could probably be considered one of the best closers in MLB history. In a day and age when it is hard to remain relevant when your mustache takes up 30 percent of your facial real estate, Gossage has launched bomb after bomb about the current state of MLB.
"What does this kid know? This kid doesn't know squat about the game, and no respect for it. Here he is making millions of frickin' dollars, that's great. I'm happy for all the players and all the money that they're making, because it's hard-earned by all the players that came before these guys.... We fought for everything these players are getting. So let me tell Bryce Harper something: go look at the history, figure it out and quit acting like a fool."
"The game is becoming a freaking joke because of the nerds who are running it.... I'll tell you what has happened, these guys played rotisserie baseball at Harvard or wherever the [expletive] they went and they thought they figured the [expletive] game out. They don't know [expletive].
"A bunch of [expletive] nerds running the game. You can't slide into second base. You can't take out the [expletive] catcher because [Buster] Posey was in the wrong position and they are going to change all the rules.... I'd like to knock some of these [expletive] on their [expletive] and see how they would do against pitchers in the old days."
Ol’ Goose never had a problem saying exactly what was on his mind, especially if his mind was completely unwound and he was struggling to actually formulate sentences that consist of anything outside of expletives. Goose is another bombastic personality that takes up more space in the room than it needs to. Combined with the five other maniacs (plus Kyle Seager) in one room, and we have the recipe for some stellar television.