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Pirates of the Maribbean

the Curse of the Puget Pearl


A gray, impenetrable wall of fog. From somewhere comes the FAINT ECHO of a BATSHIT CRAZY PREACHER, hollering through a megaphone about the end times.

Suddenly a massive SHIP emerges from the grey, a campy pirate flag flying from its mast. It's a Pittsburgh dreadnought, the Y.I.N.Z. PIEROGI. It creaks and shudders as it eases its way into the port, as it is made entirely of steel.

GREGORY POLANCO: Wait, I thought we were the Pirates.

DAVID FREESE: Just hush up and enjoy being the good guys for once.

ANDREW MCCUTCHEON: I’m always a good guy. [Beams at a vagrant who immediately turns into a wealthy, respectable gentleman.

FREESE: What...what is this place?

A terrifying creature appears.

FREESE: What is that? And isn’t it from the second movie?

POLANCO: Look, this recap was supposed to be called BUC HUNTING WITH WADE, okay? Just roll with it.

WADE MILEY only needs ten pitches for the first inning. It ends so quickly ROOT sports has to vamp for a bit before going to commercial.

CAPTAIN JAMISON TAILLON: I fear not these Mariners, nor their curse. [SETH SMITH and ROBINSON CANÓ proceed to get back-to-back base hits off him.] I said I am not afraid of this curse!

He stares pointedly at Nelson Cruz, who then grounds into a double play to end the inning.

MILEY: It is true that I carry a curse. My skeleton walks Safeco Field at night until I can get my ground ball/fly ball ratio back to my career levels.

FREESE hits a home run that barely sneaks out on a first-pitch 88 mph fastball.

MILEY: Well shit.

[The PIRATES go on to add two more runs]

FANS AT SAFECO: Rally, Mariners, Rally! Fight back against these interlopers from the godless land of no DH!

KYLE SEAGER: I will rally! [strikes out on three pitches]

DAE-HO LEE: I will rally for these Pirates want my special circulation necklace! [grounds out]

ADAM LIND: I’m still confused here about who the bad guys are? [grounds out on three pitches]



MILEY and CUTCH are locked in battle. Suddenly a cry rings out from STEVE CLEVENGER, Miley’s second in the battle, as a stray ball from the battle crashes into his hand at the speed of approximately one million miles per hour.

CLEV: &$&@(&*#*%*&$*#**W*$*$$!!!!!

CHRIS IANNETTA is stirred from his bunk and suits up. He would proceed to hit the ball very hard for the rest of the evening, without recording one single hit, because that’s how curses work.

CHRIS: The things I do to keep Jack Wine in stock at the ballpark.


STARLING MARTE: I have figured out how to defeat the Pirate Miley [bunts for a single]

SEAN RODRIGUEZ: I’m still confused, I thought we were the Pirates. Also, LOL bunting. [Smashes a double to score Marte.]

JORDY MERCER: Guys there’s really not a trick to it, the guy is throwing 88 and leaving it hanging. [Hits an RBI single. The Pirates now lead 5-0.]

ASSORTED MARINER HITTERS: Look guys you don’t need to beat us, we can beat ourselves just fine. [Go on to record two strike outs and a foul out in the bottom of the fourth]


Enter DONN ROACH, who really should not be a major-league pirate at all, and maybe instead of being on an actual pirate ship should be on one of those pirate ships at playgrounds where the mast is a cool slidey thingy and the hull is one of those swaying plank bridge things and it might just be more fun for everyone involved.

DONN ROACH: Hello it is me, an official major-league pirate. [Proceeds to give up two singles, a walk, and a double. The score is now 8-0, Pirates.]

KYLE SEAGER: I wish they hadn’t ever made that bobblehead of me. I see their tiny creepy faces everywhere, following me, bobbling, always bobbling, I see them in my dreams, I can sense their presence everywhere always bobbling. Now I know how Voldemort felt with the horcruxes not that I’m Voldemort although we both don’t really have hair but I have a nose at least and WHOA BALL! [Bobbles it]

The MARINERS escape the battle with no further wounds.

KYLE: I’m really sorry about everything I’ve ever done in my whole life! [Hits a double]

DAE-HO, after almost getting a double that just ran foul and then grounding out: This curse is terrible, Adam, how are you doing this? Is it like you were already cursed so now your previous curse is neutralized by the current curse?

ADAM LIND, after roping an RBI single: Heh heh. I have no idea what I’m doing at any given time. That’s the trick.

CHRIS IANNETTA: Teach me your ways.


The sky has darkened into an inky black that mirrors the sea. Also a sea of black: the remaining jerseys in the stands at Safeco. Enter NATHAN KARNS, singing.

KARNS: I am the very model of a modern bullpen piiiiitcher

IANNETTA: No, Nate, wrong pirates—

KARNS [singing louder]: I’ve a fastball, curveball, sinker and I am no belly iiiitcher

KYLE: Nate—

KARNS: Now I have my rest I’ll be the best your bats will be put to the test it’s a strike fest I do not jest a modern bullpen piiiiitcher

[Pitches two scoreless innings allowing just one walk and one hit while striking out six]

MARINERS: He is the very model of a modern bullpen piiiiiitcher.

DAVID ROLLINS: Me too guys! Me too! [Strikes out 3, does not allow a hit in his two innings of work]


This recap it did take a turn

I guess that we will never learn

But this silliness is somewhat earned

When you’re a Seattle baseball fan

We are the very models of the modern Seattle baseball fans.