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The Mariners go 8-17 in June, and this is what happens

It is an off day, and the Mariners have been losing a lot of games. The combination has left us feeling a little silly. Inspired by user Cornhole's prolific ability to parody songs, a few of us decided to try our hand at it. Don't worry, we let Cornhole himself contribute, and you can see that below.

Sorry/not sorry for this.

""LeBlanc" from Darryl P. Skeeby's "Guti Is A Beast"

Darryl:

Gosh it disturbed me to see you, LeBlanc
Looking straight down at our slump
Ev'ry arm here'd love to be you, LeBlanc
Avoiding bats like they’re the Mumps.
There's no man in town as admired as you
You're ev'ryone's favorite guy
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why.
No one jigs like LeBlanc
Eats them figs like LeBlanc
No one's glove’s as incredibly big as LeBlanc's
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, with pure pitching form!
You can ask any Tom, Donn or Joaquin
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

Darryl and Chorus:

No one's been like LeBlanc
Looks like a bowling pin like LeBlanc

Darryl:

No one's got a swell beard on his chin like LeBlanc

Wade:

As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!

Darryl and Chorus:

My what a guy, that Leblanc!
Give five "goms!"
Give twelve "gobiz!"

Darryl:

LeBlanc is the best
And the rest give up hits

Chorus:

No one peaks like LeBlanc
Makes runners weak like LeBlanc

Darryl:

In a fielder’s choice nobody deeks like LeBlanc!

Charlie Furbush:

For there's no one as surly and brawny

Wade:

As you see I've got change ups to spare

Darryl:

Not a pitch of his’ could be hit by Johnny

Wade:

That's right!
‘Cause ev’ry last inch of Damon’s covered in hair

Chorus:

No leg kicks like LeBlanc
Makes them whiff like LeBlanc

Darryl:

In a pitching match nobody pitch’d like LeBlanc

Wade:

I'm esp’cially good at run mitigating!

Chorus:

A Pitcher Win for LeBlanc!

Wade:

When I was bad I threw two dozen eggs
Ev'ry start and so I got cut
And now that I'm back
I buckle these hitter’s legs
So my K%’s roughly a work of teen smut!

Chorus:

Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a guy, that LeBlanc!
No one hoots like LeBlanc
Tosses beauts like LeBlanc

Darryl:

Then goes tromping around however he suits like LeBlanc

Wade:

I use Cardinals in all of my decorating!

Chorus:

My what a guy,
LeBlanc!

*****

Meg Rowley's "The Marinnaire's Lament"

I'm a legionnaire
Rotation in disrepair
Hoping for that bleached blond hair to come passing by
I am on reprieve
Lacking my joie de vive
Missing my Wade Miley
In this third place dry
And I wrote my girl
Told her I would not return
Terribly taken a turn
For the worse now I fear
It's been a year or more
Since they shipped me to the playoff's door
Fighting in a playoff war
So far away from my dome
If only summer rain would fall
On the houses and the outfield bar
And the April wins, it's like a dream
With the roar of Karns
And the lulling of the bullpen arms,
The sweetly sleeping sweeping, losing ten.
Lord I don't know if they'll ever be back again.
La la la la dam
La la la low
Medicating in the sun
Pinched doses of a sprained left thumb
Longing for the old fecundity of a homestand
Curses to this mirage!
A bottle of ancient bone saws
A smattering of distant applause
Is ringing in my poor ears
On the old left bank
The outfield does poorly rank
Riding up the width and length
Will he catch it, no way
If only summer rain would fall
On the houses and the outfield bar
And the April wins, it's like a dream
With the roar of Karns
And the lulling of the bullpen arms,
The sweetly sleeping sweeping, losing ten.
Lord I don't know if they'll ever be back again.

La la la la dam
La la la low
If only summer rain would fall
On the houses and the outfield bar
And the April wins, it's like a dream
With the roar of Karns
And the lulling of the bullpen arms,
The sweetly sleeping sweeping, losing ten.
Lord I don't know if they'll ever be back again.
Be back again,
Be back again,
They'll be back again

*****

Nathan Bishop's "Flies, Heat, (Don't), Steal"

(CAUTION: Video link is NSFW)

Smoak was a loser's gift
Warning track ain't sellin' tix
Blown saves Steve knows and Dae-Ho draggin' his ass home
Lots of averages that ain't excellent and in the end a lotta nope
Hiram not Horatio now well actually you told
The Biziness has spoken, demanded your pure devotion
We're desensitized to the sound and the feel of a lead not holdin'
We chose Ed Guardado, y'all know, lotsa bats hit
Watching Saunders drop the bombs doing the baseball hat trick
El Rey is making my heart sank, Edwin's uno heatin'
A wild one goin' down Iannetta, Rays he's beaten
Pile holding a closer but his back's gotta fork in it
Cause losin' by expectation's like life in Safeco, isn't it?
Shoulda seen a crentist, Dwight said it
Rain's the way and draft beer in presses
The payroll is so full of horrors that we can't even afford an Upton
Rangers gonna flex it
Jackson was flop he can pop it up make the crowd go hush, bat's made outta mush?
Martin emoji claps, sign em up
Touch the bag Aoki you flat out suck
Dipoto is new still True to the Blue
But that depth is still "ew"
Guti is the place where the flying thing dies
But Sims give me sighs no dinger no truth
Rizzs in the booth to pass torch to the Goldsmith
Niehaus sacred he's the GOAT forthwith
20-grade runner at least he's a big stick
Biz for sale just here making statements

Flies, heat, don't, steal, win
(Aoki isn't doing it)
Flies, heat, don't, steal, win
(Aoki isn't doing it)
Lie, cheat, steal, kill, win
Flies, heat, don't, steal, win
(Aoki isn't doing it)

*****

Cornhole's "Blank Pace"

Nice to meet you, so we begin.
Let us show you incredible swings.
Magic comebacks, walkoff wins
Saw you cheer and you thought
Oh My God
Look at this race,
You were like, "Is this a mistake?"
But there we were in first place!

New GM, suit and tie
He can clean house like it ain't no thing.
Saving money, bounce back guys,
And we know you heard of Nori.
So hey
New defense?
Got Martin for players lent.
Ianetta and Steve Cishek-
(Jerry hopes some bad guys're good for a season)

So it feels like forever
Since you got to watch playoff games.
Can you tell us when it's over
If we play or go home again?
Had a long list of ex-sluggers.
Jack said they still could play.
Blame the park or marine layer
It all felt the same

New Season - We could care less
'Bout wins and losses so far.
Wish the fan-bros would share less.
They think they're media stars.
Got a long list of ex-posters
Who brought their takes of flame.
They're just a blank space baby--
The banhammer came.

Ten games over, riding high
Then the luck dragon spreads its wings.
Stolen bases? What a lie!
Lose the King, Walker and Miley.
Find out
All our wants.
It turns to shit for the month.
What if the worst is yet to come? (oh no!)

Marte, Martin, perfect storm--
Luck can make all the tables turn.
Offense failin' with men on--
Keep you watching the standings,
"Oh my god, can this be?
Are those the Lastros that I see?"
But you come back each time you flee
Cause darling this is baseball, this winter you'll miss me

So we're gonna play forever
Or we'll end with those early Fall games.
You can tell us when it's over
If the biz was worth the pain.
Got a long list of failed seasons.
They start to look the same.
Even though we have no reasons,
You still love the game!

'Cause our big stars are aging
We'll try to milk the core.
It'll leave you raging
When every man goes sore.
Got a long list of disabled(s)
They'll tell you they can play,
But we've got a roster space, baby
And we need a name.

Bros only want wins for disorder.
Don't tell them how to fan cause it's torture.
Bros only want wins for disorder.
Don't tell them how to fan cause it's torture.

So it's gonna be for better
As we end that losing streak.
You can tell when it's over
If the team ever reached its peak.
Got a long list of failed seasons,
But this one's not the same.
'Cause you know we give no reasons
To not love this game!

Now we're hungry and restless.
We're coming back for more.
It'll leave you breathless
Every time the Mariners score.
Got a long list of great players.
They're here to stake their claim.
Cause we've got a fanbase baby
And we'll fight for fame.

*****

If you've got a rewrite of your own, we'd love to see it in the comments. As always, we apologize, and are grateful for your indulgence, dear reader.