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Transformers: The Rise of the Trashiners

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You've probably seen this one before

Now, THAT was a helluva film, son
Now, THAT was a helluva film, son
Duane Burleson/Getty Images

The following is a continuation of the never-ending battle to save humanity. The first installment can be found HERE.

EXT. URBAN NEIGHBORHOOD

As the CAMERA PANS into a WINDOW of a SMALL, LOCAL LUNCH SPOT the viewer SEES that SCOTT SERVAIS and BRAD ADAM are sharing PLATES OF SAUCES that likely cost UPWARDS OF THIRTY DOLLARS apiece while DISCUSSING something LIKELY NOT THAT INTERESTING. The VOICE OF LOU PINIELLA begins to MELODICALLY dance upon the EARDRUMS of the AUDIENCE. You KNOW that this scene is in DETROIT because NOBODY SEEMS THAT HAPPY and everyone says that "THE LAKE MIGHT AS WELL BE AN OCEAN."

LOU PINIELLA

SoDo shakes in anger and trepidation. The Maribots, proud defenders of truth and beauty, have set out to the epicenter of a new movement that threatens all humanity. It has been many months since our fallen heroes last met the Tigercons in open battle. Since then, the SadSpark has changed hands to countless armies, across the galaxies. Limping, homeless, and searching, the Maribots have come back again in their search to regain the SadSpark from their sworn enemies. To save humanity from the one they call Castellenacon and his traitor leader, Brad Ausmus.

AS LOU PINIELLA'S VOICE FADES while he FILMS A COMMERCIAL for an old FOLKS home, SCOTT SERVAIS and BRAD ADAM can now be heard by the AUDIENCE. The SET WHERE THIS WAS FILMED was strapped for CASH so the POST-EDITING for SOUND makes all the FORKS SCRAPING IN THE BACKGROUND especially LOUD.

BRAD ADAM

Scott, I am the most boring man on Earth and one of the most disposable characters imaginable. It is up to me to tell you about the real reason you've been sent to Detroit.

SCOTT SERVAIS

You mean, it wasn't for the atmosphere in this recently affluent section of a city reborn?

BRAD ADAM

Oh, how is the tuna tartare, by the way?

SCOTT SERVAIS

Fantastic and such a surprise.

BRAD ADAM

Wonderful.

BRAD ADAM speaks OVER SCOTT SERVAIS who is giving a TOO DETAILED account of his EXPENSIVE SHARE PLATES.

BRAD ADAM

(whispering slightly)

No, the real reason you are here is that Bill Krueger has detected a recent insurgence of Tigercon activity near the Stadium District of Detroit, Michigan.

SCOTT SERVAIS

(clearly disappointed his restaurant review will not make final-final)

Well, Brad, that seems pretty gosh darn obvious,

BRAD ADAM

We have developed a new asset for you in the war for the SadSpark. The Tigercons are strong, but it's time that you met your new team. Finish that incredible steak frites and let's get to work.

SCOTT SERVAIS

(chewing while he speaks)

Hey, did anyone consider it's going to be really confusing when Brad Ausmus gets into this script?

BRAD ADAM

Oh, yes. Incredibly confusing.

SCOTT SERVAIS

(still chewing on the tender bits of steak)

Fucking bloggers, man. Alright, one more thing here.

SCOTT SERVAIS takes a GIANT gulp of WATER to SLUG DOWN the remaining SALTINES and PESTO AIOLI on his SEARED ANCHOVIES. He is CLEARLY GLUTTONOUS.

SCOTT SERVAIS

Alright, let's roll, Bradley.

The DUO HIGH FIVES as they FORGET TO PAY THE BILL.

EXT. PARKING GARAGE

BRAD ADAM and SCOTT SERVAIS pull up in a NONDESCRIPT VAN to a PARKING GARAGE full of VARIOUS CARS. SCOTT looks pretty BORED since he's seen plenty of PARKING GARAGES IN HIS TIME.

BRAD ADAM

Alright, Scott, are you ready to see what the CIA has been working on since our last time facing the Tigercons in open battle?

SCOTT SERVAIS

Honestly, Brad, I'm just amazed you made it this far into the narrative.

BRAD ADAM

It's amazing, isn't it? I'm telling you, Hollywood uses these vanilla characters as a means of allowing the audience to project themselves into the film to develop an attachment to the plot themes earl...

The AUDIENCE gets VERY BORED DURING THIS DIATRIBE

BRAD ADAM

(still babbling about Freud and the Third Wall or whatever)

...And that's what brings me to the newest invention out of Langley. Scott, meet the Trashiners.

A SERIES of VEHICLES within the PARKING GARAGE turn on, ENGINES GOING FULL BORE AND LOUD. SCOTT SERVAIS notices a 1990 TOYOTA CELICA with ONE HEADLIGHT UP and the OTHER ONE DOWN, a 1995 MITSUBISHI ECLIPSE with 95% TINTED WINDOWS, a 2007 HUMMER H3 with TRUCKNUTZ, a 2002 MAZDA MIATA with NO STEERING WHEEL, and OTHER ASSORTED VEHICLES. Also PULLING UP as the MUSIC BY LINKIN PARK crescendos is a BRAND NEW FORD F350 and a CURRENT YEAR LAMBORGHINI VENENO.

SCOTT SERVAIS

(eyes wide with shock nobody knows why Brad Adam has keys to all these cars)

Brad, what's going on here...

SCOTT SERVAIS turns around to see that BRAD ADAM has mysteriously disappeared. As he turns back towards the cars, he notices about twenty five cars have transformed into 2016 Seattle Mariners. Notably he sees Norichicka Aoki (Celica), Ketel Marte (Eclipse), Adam Lind (H3), Nate Karns (Miata), Nelson Cruz (F350), and Robinson Cano (Veneno).

ROBINSON CANO

Scott, we are the Maribots. Together, with our new Trashiners brethren, we have come to Detroit to help you lay waste to the Tigercon army and claim the SadSpark that is rightfully ours. However, we'll need your help if we are to defeat the traitor to humanity, Brad Ausmus. Are you with us?

SCOTT SERVAIS

(eyes somehow wider now)

I'M NOT GONNA LIE, ROBBIE. THAT WAS SOME BAD ASS SHIT AND I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING BELOW MY ARM PITS THIS IS A HIGH THAT WILL NEVER END. LET'S GO WHOOP A LITTLE ASS.

EXT. A BASEBALL STADIUM, PRESUMABLY IN DETROIT

Once AGAIN the MARIBOTS, now joined by their TRASHINER BRETHREN, have AGREED TO PLAY THE TIGERCONS in a GAME OF AMERICAN BASEBALL to potentially DECIDE THE FUTURE OF OUR SPECIES. ROBOTS have LITTLE TO NO care about WHAT HAPPENS TO HUMANITY. The TIGERCONS ARRIVE to the FIELD after our trusted heroes have COMPLETED their PRE-GAME LUBRICATIONS. GUN FIRE and CANNONSHOT erupt ALMOST immediately. The MAZDA MIATA transforms into NATE KARNS and begins pitching FOR THE MARIBOTS.

NATE KARNS

Without a steering wheel, I'll be drifting all game. Chris, I need cover fire!

CHRIS IANNETTA, A 2014 JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE slowly RUMBLES in from LEFT FIELD.

CHRIS IANNETTA

(shrugs as another strike is called a ball by JOE WEST)

TIGERCON CABRERACORE SMASHES a BIG BOY BOMB to put the TIGERCONS ahead 2-0 IN THE FIRST INNING. The CAMERA PANS towards SCOTT SERVAIS in the DUGOUT.

SCOTT SERVAIS

(eyes continually increasing in width as he whispers to himself)

Could it be? Did Brad Ausmus convince more human slime to side with the Tigercons in this veritable battle for our survival? Is it true? Is Joe West...one of them?

IN THE BACKGROUND the AUDIENCE can see JOE WEST making a MOCKERY OF THE STRIKE ZONE and dancing upon the ROBOTIC HEADS of MARIBOTS FALLING IN BATTLE. A MAELSTROM erupts again as a 2006 TOYOTA LANDCRUISER hits a SOLO HOME RUN before transforming into KYLE SEAGER and the MITSUBISHI ECLIPSE TIES THE GAME AT TWO. Before the INNING IS OVER, a NONDESCRIPT MINIVAN with PLENTY OF OPTIONS adds TWO MORE MARIBOT runs and then STARTS MOWING THE GRASS because it's SETH SMITH.

EXT. A TELEVISION STATION

BILL KRUEGER with TWO SWEAT DROPS going down his pristine FOREHEAD is on THE phone with BRAD ADAM. The CONVERSATION DOES NOT SEEM TO BE GOING WELL.

BILL KRUEGER

Brad, we just got some interesting intelligence regarding Joe West.

BRAD ADAM

(the same bad sound editing relaying he's eating again, inaudible talking in the background)

Oh, man, Bill, you really got me at a bad time here.

(he's trying to hide the fact he's chewing on his food)

What exactly was it you were saying about Joe West and a potential Tigercon allegiance?

BILL KRUEGER

That's exactly what I was telling you. We think Joe West has an allegiance with the Tigercons.

BRAD ADAM

(still audibly eating)

Oh, man, Bill, that's just terrible. With the SadSpark in the mix, too? Do you think Joe knows that with the SadSpark in their hands, the Tigercons will have the means to do...what...uh...what actually does the SadSpark do again?

BILL KRUEGER

Nobody knows, it's maybe the biggest plot hole of the entire film series.

BRAD ADAM

Oh man, Bill, that is uh...that's gonna come back to bite us in Post isn't it?

BILL KRUEGER

I don't like our odds, no. Anyway, if you could haul ass and get Scott my Keys to the Game, along with the Joe West news, that just might help us get the SadSpark back in Maribots hands. Also, how was Scott when he saw the Trashiners. Was he impressed?

BRAD ADAM

Oh, shit, Bill, his eyes were so wide.

BILL KRUEGER

Oh, that's just great. We did it again, Bradley. How's the tuna tartare?

BRAD ADAM

Fantastic, Bill, really.

BILL KRUEGER

Good for you, buddy. You deserve it.

EXT. THE SAME BASEBALL FIELD

SCOTT SERVAIS is on the PHONE with BRAD ADAM receiving NEWS about JOE WEST being an EVIL MAN who has had his JOB FOR TOO LONG and likely SUCKS AT IT NOW. He represents EXACTLY THE SORT OF EVIL THAT WILL DOOM US ALL. The GAME is TIED at SEVEN APIECE and it is the TOP of the TENTH INNING. The MARIBOTS have a RUNNER ON THIRD BASE and are LOOKING TO GO AHEAD.

RANDOM MARIBOT

(chokes audibly and the inning ends)

It is NOW THE TOP OF THE ELEVENTH and a RAZOR SCOOTER with a WHEELIE BAR is up to bat.

SHAWN O'MALLEY

(hits a leadoff double, eventually gets to third base)

RANDOM MARIBOT

(chokes audibly and the inning ends)

It is NOW THE TOP OF THE TWELFTH and ADAM LIND is up to BAT with his TRUCKNUTZ.

ADAM LIND

(hits a leadoff double, eventually gets to third base)

RANDOM MARIBOT

(chokes audibly and the inning ends)

After COUNTLESS opportunities to WIN THE GAME a VOLKSWAGON with SEATS THAT FACE BACKWARDS is pitching FOR THE MARIBOTS as BRAD AUSMUS GIVES HIS FINAL INSTRUCTIONS to the TIGERCON named UPTONOTRON. It is the BOTTOM OF THE TWELFTH INNING.

BRAD AUSMUS

Yes, and make sure, yes, to make all of the Maribots and Trashiners go home tonight without the SadSpark. Crush them totally.

UPTONOTRON

(hits a second home run)

The MARIBOTS LOSE the SADSPARK falling 8-7 IN EXTRA INNINGS to the TIGERCONS, but MUSIC BEGINS allowing the AUDIENCE TO BELIEVE THERE IS hope and THAT not ALL IS LOST. YOU will notice that NELSON CRUZ'S VEHICLE WAS NEVER MENTIONED. The VOICE of LOU PINIELLA REGALES the AUDIENCE with some FINAL thoughts.

LOU PINIELLA

Baseball is a shit sport that no sane person should really care about.

the biz ain't dead