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34-31: Chart

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The Mariners do not do the thing. (Unless the thing is a bad thing, in which case the Mariners definitely did the thing. Dammit.)

Brian Blanco/Getty Images

What a fun and not dumb way to spend 4 hours and 38 minutes on a Wednesday afternoon/evening. Maybe next time the M's bullpen could give up fewer than nine walks?

Sean Barber: Mike Montgomery (-0.374 WPA)

Any other barber (even Sweeney Todd would be an improvement): Nick Vincent (0.320 WPA)