It was recently pointed out to me that we here at Lookout Landing have been falling down at the job of holding the Mariners accountable (of course we fall down a lot. Have you seen how much beer this staff consumes? Also, Skiba’s lower quadrant is almost entirely made of wood. We keep hoping his Real Boy papers come in any day now). As a good Catholic school child who once literally had a teacher mark red X’s on my hand in Sharpie because I held my pencil wrong, I feel a deep sense of shame—I mean, more so than usual—at allowing these feckless pajama-clad slicksters to pull a fast one on us. Well the buck stops here, friends. I have devised a system of punishments that even the draconian Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle would look upon in approval, and will post-haste dispatch myself to the land of tangerines and gator wrasslin’ to begin delivering them. I just need to find a way to fit all these veiled hats and elbow-length gloves into my carpetbag and I’ll be off. In the meantime, consider this a pamphlet pressed into your sweaty palm at the town meeting.
OFFENDER: Lind, Adam
CRIME: Not hitting for bupkus; assorted misdemeanors of hair-tufting; an Indiana tattoo even Leslie Knope would say goes too far.
PUNISHMENT: Adam Lind has 36 strikeouts and just 9 walks in 48 games. Until he gets that rate to something more pleasing to Lord Dipotus, he will be forced to watch an endless loop of the November 2010 game where Indiana lost to Wisconsin, 83-20. That’s a football score, by the way.
OFFENDER: Seager, Kyle
CRIME: Not hitting in the clutch (-.49 so far this season with a couple huge important outs in this past series against Texas)
PUNISHMENT: This is a tricky one because Kyle: 1) eats a very steady diet of self-deprecating comments, so it’s a classic case of mithridatism; 2) is actually very good. The best plan of action here is to force him to sit in a room and be visited by an unending barrage of people with only nice things to say about him—kindergarten teachers, pastors, Mike Zunino. He’ll crack within the hour.
OFFENDER: Marte, Ketel
CRIME: Lowest BB% of all every-day players (3.7%)
PUNISHMENT: Ketel has so much swag, and clearly thinks walking is beneath him. Walking! The dollar store brand of personal transportation. So until he raises that walk rate, he’ll be practicing every morning at the Cherry Hills Mall with the Silver Sneakers Club. The pleated chinos and gold-toe socks are in the mail.
OFFENDER: Aoki, Norichikia
CRIME: Being just good enough that whenever one of us writes something complaining about him he makes us all look dumb; has been caught stealing more than Ketel and Leonys put together.
PUNISHMENT: Forced to go to IKEA on a Saturday with someone who “just needs one thing” but makes him walk all the way through the display rooms anyway because actually I’ve been thinking about a new storage solution for the bathroom and tries to talk him into buying one of those dumbass tealight lanterns and won’t let him leave until he finds “just one thing, so you don’t feel like the trip was a waste for you.”
OFFENDER: Iannetta, Chris
CRIME: You’re hot then you're cold, you’re yes then you’re no, and it’s every bit as annoying as this dumb song.
PUNISHMENT: Until Chris stops playing Huckle Buckle Beanstalk with his batting average, he is only allowed to wear clothing from winery gift shops. Hope he likes bedazzled tanks that say PINOT NOIR WE’RE TALKING.
OFFENDER: Nelson Cruz
CRIME: 60 strikeouts. The next closest person has 46, and it’s Leonys Martin. What happened to C the Z, Nelly? Can’t spell Cruz without C and Z! That joke is right there and I want to make it and you're keeping me from it.
PUNISHMENT: Considered handing down a temporary eyebrow transplant with Divine from Pink Flamingos, but why would I penalize us, the eye-having fans of baseball? So, I don’t know, locked in the Miami Sound Machine for a night oughta do it. (It’s haunted by Estefans past.)
OFFENDER: Nate “Candy” Karns
CRIME: Highest BB/9 rate in rotation
PUNISHMENT: Nate needs to learn to stop nibbling, speed things up, and refine a nastier putaway pitch. Therefore, he will be sentenced to end-to-end viewings of Disney Channel original movies until the soundtrack to Camp Rock evokes in him a deep-seated, murderous rage that leads opposing batters to apply for FEMA grants.
OFFENDER: Wade Miley
CRIME: Lowest K% among pitchers not named Mayckol Guaipe or Cody Martin; 3rd highest batting average against
PUNISHMENT: Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer went to hell and was force-fed donuts? That, but with episodes of Frasier.
That’s all I have for now. The hour grows late and Florida is far and I just realized Camp Rock is on Netflix. Feel free to leave your suggested punishments in the comments below. The biz demands its pound of flesh.