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Robinson Cano: M(o)V(errated)P

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Cano is a chump. If you like Cano, you're a chump. Don't be a chump.

So lazy. Cano isn't even trying. All he care$ about i$ money. Boo this man. etc.
So lazy. Cano isn't even trying. All he care$ about i$ money. Boo this man. etc.
Robert Hanashiro-USA TODAY Sports

Some folks around these parts have gotten it into their thick skulls that Cano is something other than an overpaid, greedy, lazy ballplayer. MVP? In your dreams. Maybe if the "V" stands for vapid or villainous. Thankfully, I'm here to help set the record straight. Below are the top-nine reasons why Robinson Cano is an overrated chump.

9. Cano decided (on purpose) not to be a Yankee

As any MLB fan/ESPN TV scheduler knows, wearing pinstripes is an ultimate privilege for a baseball player. Anyone who chooses to walk away from the Yanks is essentially saying that they don't have what it takes to be a champion. Some people can handle the glory that comes with playing in the Bronx; in 2013, Cano decided that he was tired of being a winner. He's just a greedy loser who couldn't stand the limelight.

8. When Cano was lucky enough to play in the postseason (thanks mostly to the hard work of Derek Jeter), he hit poorly

Cano has a career line of .222/.267/.419 in the postseason, which is lousy (just like Cano). His OPS in the playoffs is about 170 points lower than it is in the regular season; this serves as an additional indicator that Robinson Cano can't handle the pressure that comes with being a true winner. As such, it's clear that the only reason he sometimes manages to hit ~decently with the Mariners is because they're a bad team that never has a realistic shot at making the playoffs.

7. Cano has the toughness/fortitude of a sponge cake

In 2015, he let a piddly stomach parasite/acid reflux disease reduce his wRC+ to 71 over the first three months of the season. "Oh no. My belly hurts. I guess I have a good excuse for being bad at baseball." Pathetic. If he'd bothered to take a break from counting all of his money and pop a few Tums, he would've recovered in no time. Instead, he waited until his team was well out of playoff contention to address his tummy troubles.

6. Cano has never broken a man's leg while breaking up a double play

This clearly indicates his lack of hustle and determination. Cano should care more about making good, hard, clean slides into the shins of the 2B/SS than he does about looking so god damned suave (maybe he should consider emulating that super-likeable, definitely-not-a-jerk Chase Utley fellow). In fact, I've occasionally seen Cano veer away from the 2B/SS, intentionally avoiding contact. When he does this, if you pay close attention, you can see him mouth the phrase "Why make contact when I've already got the contract?" It's clear that he's not even trying. smdh.

5. Cano has zero home runs vs. James Shields this year

If Cano isn't even as good at hitting as Bartolo Colon, how can anyone seriously think that he's a superstar? Open up your eyes, sheeple.

4. Cano has zero stolen base attempts in 2016

Players with more stolen bases in 2016 than Robinson Cano: Alex Rodriguez, Albert Pujols, Mark Teixeira, David Ortiz, and A.J. Pierzynski. If those guys can steal a base, then so could Cano. He probably just doesn't want to because he's too lazy. What a bum.

3. Cano's walk rate is a measly 5.9%

That value is well below the league-average BB% of 8.5%. If Cano dropped the Hey Look At Me All I Do Is Swing for the Fences attitude and walked more, he'd be much more likely to help his team. But he doesn't. Because he's selfish. (Just like Ichiro was.)

2. Cano doesn't know how to count to three

If you recall, a few weeks ago Robinson Cano forgot how many outs there were in a game.

This easily could've cost his team a win. Nevermind the fact that Robbie had six RBIs in this game and made some good defensive plays; his inconsistency in the field is an incredible detriment to the Mariners. Miscues like this happen literally every inning to Cano. Trust me. You don't need to go look at his defensive numbers. It happens LITERALLY every inning.

1. Cano takes hitting advice from a washed up, two-bit designated hitter

If Cano were serious about winning, he'd be getting tips from a proven winner. Someone like future first ballot Hall of Famer David Ortiz (i.e., the best DH in the history of MLB). Instead, he turns to a man who thought it would be a good idea to remove tortas from the menu at his cantina. Shameful.

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Hopefully this list has helped convince you that Robinson Cano is a big ol' fraud and does not deserve your applause or adulation. You're welcome.

(Seriously, though. Go M's.)