If you're reading this you might be a fan of the Seattle Mariners. Maybe you're a fan of the New York Yankees (sorry, there's a two-hour wait for a table). Or maybe you are just a fan of very good baseball players who make good money for their abilities. That is exactly what Robinson Cano is. Actually, did you know something? He is more than that. He is an American League MVP candidate. That makes him a Very Best Baseballer. This article only contains facts about Robinson Cano, the Seattle Mariner.
Let's start with the Big Fact:
3 games. 4 home runs. Robinson Cano is destroying baseballs to start the 2016 season. #Mariners pic.twitter.com/JzCGTyyhRO— Jose Rivera (@whoisjoserivera) April 7, 2016
If you were wondering, "Now, David, where did those balls end up?!" The answer is, "On the wrong side of the Alamo if ya know what I'm sayin'."
Did you know that Baskin & Robbin's 33rd flavor is "Robinson Cano"?
Arizona doesn't Spring Forward because Robinson Cano prefers long evenings full of the music of Cesaria Evora.
The Seattle Mariners have the best offense in the Major Leagues, with a team-wide wRC+ of 227 and 1.7WAR.
Only five teams, not including the Mariners, have hit more home runs than Robinson Cano.
Just call him R bins n Can .https://t.co/iouaCu3Lcs— Seattle Mariners (@Mariners) April 6, 2016
Robinson Cano is worth more WAR than over half the offenses in the MLB.
If Punxsutawney Phil sees Robinson Cano swing a baseball bat before he sees his shadow, Summer never ends. And Guns 'N' Roses has to go back on tour.
There's a prequel to "Catcher in the Rye" but Harper Collins never released it because it's just 460 erotic poems detailing Robinson Cano chewing gum.
Robinson Cano has more Runs Batted In than the St. Louis Cardinals, Nationals, Mets, Twins, Braves, Royals, Phillies, Angels, and Padres.
He has more RBI's than the Nationals, Padres, and Angels combined.
Robinson Cano does not fish. He waits by a lake for seafood.
We're just living in it pic.twitter.com/DyN8Wv6ThW— David Skiba (@SkibaScubaShop) April 6, 2016
Robinson Cano is slugging 1.231 with a BABIP of .000. He is the luckiest unlucky hitter in the universe.
Robinson Cano has a wRC+ of 411.
The Mariana Trench is what Robinson Cano once called "a pretty nice sensory deprivation chamber".
Robinson Cano hates New York but loves big cities.
There are two hitters ahead of Robinson Cano in all batting statistics, but they both show signs of large regression.
ROBINSON. CANO. IS OUT OF FUCKS. AND FAVORS. M.V.P. pic.twitter.com/TsKzjB2EWS— David Skiba (@SkibaScubaShop) April 6, 2016
To indicate he is willing to play with the handicap of a one-armed swing, Robinson Cano is now pleading with opposition to saw off his arm:
Robinson Cano personally penned a rebuttal to Robert Frost's "Mending Wall" titled "Over the Wall".
Pink Floyd's album "The Wall" was deemed Seattle Mariners propaganda by Mariano Rivera and Dustin Pedroia.
Robinson Cano has never played Chubby Bunny but he already won and you look stupid.
Robinson Cano scares beta fish in the mirror.
Daniel Craig tried out for the role of "Robinson Cano" and was given James Bond as a compensation for falling short.
In his last 374 AB's, Robinson Cano has hit 21 home runs. A full-season pace of 42.
Nearly 30% of the home runs hit by MLB second basemen have been hit by Robinson Cano.
According to MATH and NUMBERS, @RobinsonCano was the #2 albatross contract in the MLB, preseason: https://t.co/fawNfht5Mh— David Skiba (@SkibaScubaShop) April 6, 2016
Robinson Cano knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.
Because Leo Tolstoy was mesmerized by Robinson Cano's swing, Robi wrote War and Peace in two weeks, under pseudonym, to meet Tolstoy's deadline.
The last time the Seattle Mariners were in sole possession of first place in the AL West was April 11th, 2014.