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13-10: Mariners Beat Kansas City Royals of Missouri

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World Series Champions? More like World Series Chumpions! That's what we can say now that we have Meatloafed the Kansas City Royals by a score of 6 to 0.

I said the blue one. Get me the blue one.
I said the blue one. Get me the blue one.
Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

It was my wedding day. I was near the beach at a resort in Mexico, waiting for time to pass. My fiancée had left a day prior, both because she had plans to head to the venue early in the morning and didn’t want to wake me, and because she thought it would be nice if we spent one night apart before spending every night together.

I wasn’t nervous at all. If anything, I wanted it to hurry up. You see all of the romance and magic on television, but what they never show you is the downtime. It was the same thing when I proposed. I spent all day planning, I took her to the location where the photographer was hiding, I got down on one knee, she said yes. She cried. I cried. We hugged some more.

Then we stood there, looking at each other, and said… "wait, now what?"

No one tells you what you’re supposed to do after that. Go for a walk? Call people? Talk about the craigslist ad I had to post to find the photographer? Even the most romantic moments have time before and after where it’s just normal life. Busy, stressful, exciting, but still normal life.

So I am sitting there in my hotel, with essentially no idea what to do. Should I turn on the TV? Drink? Hang out by the pool? What are you supposed to do before a wedding that isn't dull or boring?

The wedding is at 4, and it’s only 11am. I call up one of my buddies that is staying in a nearby hotel, we chat for a while. I figured I would invite him over and maybe we’d talk for a bit. But then he says something that I wasn’t expecting:

"So… I brought two gloves and a ball. Want to go play catch?"

We met up on the beach, played catch for about an hour – just like we did as kids – before we went back to the room to get ready for the wedding. And it was perfect.

Baseball is weird. It’s powerful, stressful, useless, fun, annoying, boring, and exciting. It’s one of the only sports you can skip for 4 days without really missing anything, only to then watch religiously with each and every pitch. It is a team based individual sport. It is sometimes tense, sometimes just slow, and at any moment you can experience something magical, or watch as your favorite bad player grounds out to 2nd base, again, because of course he did.

I spent most of the offseason pretending baseball didn’t exist. I played catch with my childhood best friend on my wedding day.

Baseball.

Here are assorted bullet points for your leisure.

  • Wade Miley Coyote pitched a heck of a game today, Acme-ing his way to a complete game shutout. If he’d get rid of his beard I think he could have had a no hitter. No one that grows a large beard that covers their whole face has ever been successful. That is a fact.
  • If his beard grows any bigger I think BigR is allowed to hunt him.
  • Coyote pitched a heck of a game. But there isn’t a lot to say about it because statistically it was just a good game – the kind of game we expect from Miley if he lives up to expectations. 4 strikeouts with a fairly low groundball rate and a .185 BABIP isn’t something that we should get excited over. But then no one is here to poop emoji in your ice cream emoji. Good pitchers can have some really good games. This was one of them.
  • When you look at 13 and 10, you see a team that is over .500, and you get excited. But then you realize that they are on pace for 91 wins. Then you get more excited. Then you realize they are the Mariners, and then you get a little sad, but then you remember that you are a fan of the Mariners, and then you get a mixture of sad and happy, and then you remember they won today and you get happier again a bit.
  • "Are Kyle Seager’s best years behind him?" is something people said for serious like dingi.
  • Seth Smith has a wRC+ of 181, making him the best. Good job Zduriencik. You got one right.
  • Every day, people in the state of Kansas wake up, open the Sports Page, and see a team that recently won the World Series – one of the most sought after titles in all sports. That team is based in Kansas City, Missouri. They live in Kansas. There is a Kansas City IN Kansas. But no, the Royals do not belong to them. That Kansas City only gets the Kansas City T-Bones – an independent baseball team in the American Association of Independent Professional Baseball, or "AAIPB." They won the championship in 2008 in the financially unstable and now defunct Northern League. yay.
  • Robinson Cano was up with the bases loaded and went to a 3-2 count after a questionable strike call. He then lined out to the Center Fielder. Afterwards he had a brilliant idea for a niche drink product called "Cheez-its Funion Ice" so look for those on store shelves this upcoming February.
  • Over 43,000 people attended the game tonight, making it the second largest attendance at Safeco this season. It was also Nelson Cruz bobblehead night. Coincidence? God, I hope so.
  • There is a pitcher named Herb on the Blaze. He’s also stingy, giving up only one free pass. Afterwards they all went to eat at Arby Fields.

Mariners have already secured the Meatloaf. As Justin Timberlake once said, "It’s Gonna Be May," so get ready for more Kyle Seagering, because next month there are going to be some ding dongers. Let’s all enjoy the team that 75% of us cheer for arbitrarily because of our birthplaces.