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The season has ended. After starting 2-6, the Mariners sit at a 0% chance of making the postseason. It's time to put away such childish hopes and turn our attention to serious matters of everyday life. As Lookout Landing's resident Man Of Business And Arbitrage, I am here to help by offering suggestions for improving your day-to-day activities in your office by offering the definitive power rankings for cubicle and workspace setups.
From worst to best, because as a content colossus, I know it's important to keep you on this page to generate ad revenue for The Man.
4. The Open Office
The Open style office has become all the rage these days, as co-workers are forced to interact with each other like goddamn animals. No one wants to stare at your face all day, Helen; you and your microwaved cod dish can both go straight to hell. There's no privacy. Employees are forced to leave the office if they want to make a phone call about that growth on their inner thigh. I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA!?!
3. The High Walled, Three Sided Cube
While no one wants to be staring at Gary in accounting pick his teeth all day, it's not much better to be trapped in a jail cell. Standing up won't fix this unless you stand at an impressive 6-foot-6, in which case you should be in the W/NBA. Some ballsy office managers will try to improve this situation by including frosted glass in the top third of the wall, but you can't fool this Future CEO of America. You know what part of a structure is that you can't see through? A wall. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.
2. The Spread Out, Re-Imagined Space
Not all office spaces were originally designed to be cubicle farms. Sometimes groups of two or three people share one room, there are smaller, stranger desks set up outside said rooms to accommodate as many people as possible while respecting the architecture. The downside: getting up and walking around corners to talk to people. Time is money, and every step takes precious seconds off your Business Life and adds them to your Real Life, which is likely filled with screaming, sick children.
1. The Low Walled, Two Sided Cube
No one needs that third wall or U-desk. L-shaped is the way to go. If you wish to turn anywhere between 90 and 270 degrees to interact with other people, cool, go for it. Otherwise, stare into the corner of your desk, put your headphones in, and enjoy the free Twizzlers the office re-stocks on a monthly basis. A good L-desk setup will allow for three monitors, a must for anyone who wants to impress and climb the corporate ladder. Switching windows is for chumps, and believe me, the higher ups notice.
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If you take these to your local office manager -- or better yet, C-Suite HR representative -- they will have to abide, for I am an Internet Media Celebrity and Grade-A Man of Business. This has been the definitive power rankings of office formats.
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