If you're like me, almost every one of your ex's got super into yoga post-relationship. Now, I'm the sort of person who commonly reserves the "unfollow" button for people who take pictures of their bodies in strange positions, but today I've changed my tune a bit. See, the winds of change have blown through Peoria and this time they brought more than tumbleweeds and the smell of Applebee's five-dollar cheese dips. This time, they brought yoga.
Yoga is cool. It's hip. People with anywhere between two and five tattoos are really grabbing on to it and those same people can give you recommendations on where to find a hell of a cuppa coffee. As such, I need to create content for these people. The Seattle Mariners are doing yoga. Daily. Even for road games. I need a new coffee shop.
What's more, is there are some pretty applicable quotes by team yoga instructor, where she calls baseball the game that is "most like life" and continues to say that yoga is, as well, "about life". Now, I have never done yoga, which makes me the perfect person to talk about it. One time I did pilates during a college football preseason and it was really nice minus the impossible body movements required of me, and the sweating. It was very, very sweaty.
Anything that is about "life" and "baseball" sure seems like something I could relate to as I have minimal experience with both and am a willing vessel of learning and words. So, naturally, when I hear about yoga and the Mariners, I wonder which pose most defines some of our most-loved Mariners of past and present? What follows will stretch not only your mind, but the very bounds of your body. Let's all pull a hammy, together.
The first should come as a rather simple one for all here, something to get us warm. Or, as I call it, the 2015 Mike Zunino At The Plate:
Notice how serene, yet ultimately dead this position asks us to find ourselves. Imagine the feeling of ultimately knowing you will die, that there is nothing you can do about it, and that holy shit this guy has a slider as well? You're screwed. But hey, at least there's some delicious sunflower seeds waiting you in the dugout after you walk back to your growingly disappointed friends.
The next pose is one that anyone in the PNW with a hiking habit has either done or seen before. This is James Paxton as Your Friend Who Just Came Along And Is Too Shy To Poop In The Woods.
Notice the slight look of terror as James realizes he may have to spend an entire day unable to respond to his body's ultimate desire: relief.
Moving along, let's have a little blast from the past now that the lower half is nice and stretched out. Let's tighten back up with Dustin Ackley Enjoying Himself With A Courtly Dance At A Nice Party: Still Not A Robot.
Make sure to lock every single joint while doing this one, folks. Even the joints that don't join. One day they will take over the world.
Now this next one, as this is a site for children, cannot be elaborated upon so much to say it is named the Guti Sex Bomb.
I suggest not doing this in public. Only with a group you are quite familiar. Advanced athletes only and let's make sure you have some Marvin Gaye, Prince, and Poison lined up on the music queue.
WHEW. That last pose really demands a lot of the body and Lookout Landing is not held responsible for any injuries incurred while attempting to do your favorite player's poses. Moving forward here, let's simplify:
The King Pose.
Now let's finish with a few more advanced positions for those readers who have made it this far and are REALLY looking to sweat it out. This pose is named Boog Powell Sleeping.
Notice how this would be an impossible amount of energy required for any other human to sleep.
Coming next here is a pose that Only Tai Walker Can Do.
Seriously, just him.
Finally we end with a personal favorite of every player who is trying to be the 25th Man on an MLB Roster. This, my friends, is the If You Squint You Won't Notice Stefen Romero And He Might Make The Roster.
Stay very, very small for this one.
I hope you're nice and stretched out, ready for Spring Training and months beyond after this rather intense workout. Once again, please consult a doctor, or this wonderful site of my source material if you have any lingering issues or concerns about your balance/Chi/mantras. We're always here for you.
love, balance, and goms