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Goosin' Gossage


No surprise to see a liar and a cheat arguin' the rules.
No surprise to see a liar and a cheat arguin' the rules.
Brian Bahr/Getty Images

Oh how the turntables have turned. And this time, dear readers, they ain't scratchin' all cool and fun-like. Now, this time these turntables a scritchin' and scratchin' to the boogie woogie rhythm of a squawking goose. And at first I was fixin' to leave it alone. But then I remembered somethin' awfully important. He was once one of us. He wore the TRIED AND TRUE TRIDENT AND BLUE. Goose Gossage come on down and be weighed for your mighty sins.

By now y'all have become quite familiar, I reckon, with the words and musings of one Rich "Goose" Gossage. How he called Jose Bautista a "nerd" for hitting a ball mighty far and then admiring it with the same glisten in his eye as a sailor at sea chancin' upon the Southern Cross. Now, I got a thing or two to say about that. First of all, by all accounts, Bautista is not a nerd and doesn't like fancy coffee or Pinterest. Second of all, Gossage should know something about challenging home run hitters.

Now, I know that Goose was hootin' and hollerin' about striking out KIRK GIBSON WHO HAD ONE ARM AND EVEN LESS LEGS AT THE MOMENT but the video shows he didn't. Play it again.

I am sure the GOOSER enjoyed KIRK (not the Star Trek one) taking his sweet and merry time moseying around the bases after he turned his career into ashes and dust that tasted somewhat like prune juice in the mouth.

But let's get down to brass tax here. Goose Gossage insults us all with his horrible choice of facial hair, bad sunglasses fashion, and lack of wood-working skills. But more than anything else, his words have tarnished the Mariner Name. Sure, in 1994, at the tail end of his career, the Suite-est of Lou's gave RICHARD one last chance to redeem himself for his errors in 1984, but still naught was to be gained from such tomfoolery.

Goose, the Legendary Mariner, threw 47.1 innings of boring relief and we wish we could give them back. There's nothing worse than sullying the brand of the Greatest Team On Earth through calling baseball a "joke". Jokes are reserved for laughing matters and here are a few. You know what is a joke that tickles me something mighty now? Pitching to Kirk Gibson in 1984. Other jokes involve the final six years of your career where the Gooseler accrued a whopping -0.1 WAR, which is a feat only my dog Skip has failed to achieve. Another joke is that mustache which doesn't even have hair in a place where one would be able to find little bits and crumbs of food.

Finally, and if I may, I say we start a petition to have the Goose removed from the Mariner record books and replace his numbers with an actual goose. HEEE HONK SQUAWK sounds better than bold talk from a two-eyed fat man bloviating about a game that passed him by like last December. I'd rather scrape goose poop off the collective Mariner deck than listen to Goose poopin' all over my Mariners' deck. Enough of the hard talk. Find yourself a Lazy Boy and stay true to the name.

At least geese fly south for the winter.