The NFL Combine is a glorious time of year. Big strapping men all line up to be ogled in the world's most public job interview. Outside of the underwear olympics, all prospects also sit down with team officials and are asked a battery of questions to help gauge the athletes' mental toughness, intelligence, and drive to succeed. All of these are important attributes, and in an effort to better understand the abilities of my compatriots, I sought to interview them using some of the real questions asked at the combine.
Below you'll find the answers to various, important questions. The identities of the authors will be hidden for a time, as you, the reader, will have an opportunity to take a guess as to which author is which. There is a quiz at the end of this masterpiece, so pay close attention and do your best. I believe in you.
The participants: Andrew Rice, David Skiba, Kate Preusser, Peter Woodburn, Matthew Ellis, Nathan Bishop, and myself.
1. What's your deal?
Author 1: I'm just here so as to ensure I will not incur a fiduciary penalty.
Author 2: Three raccoons in a trenchcoat.
Author 3: I was made to understand there are grilled cheese sandwiches here.
Author 4: Texas Hold 'Em. Aces are wild.
Author 5: Primum non nocere.
Author 6: Heard if we run the Three Cone there's a lunch-break sushi buffet and those are hard to come by.
Author 7: I play a pan flute and I live in a forested grove.
2. Do you see yourself as more of a cat or a dog?
Author 1: Seeing as I don't want to have to lick myself to bathe nor eat poop, I'll pass.
Author 2: Cat, in that I also do not care if you live or die, as long as I am fed.
Author 3: A cat. I'm low maintenance, I bathe myself, and I'm not a halfway house for lonely couples eschewing kids.
Author 4: A very old dog who likes to go outside, but just to poop.
Author 5: A cat with dog-like tendencies. (At my core, I'm fairly reserved and independent, but I can also be fun and social and goofy.)
Author 6: Dog. Specifically Rowlf the Dog.
Author 7: A dog. Because I just care too much to be a cat.
3. If you could kill someone with the knowledge that you'd get away with it, would you?
Author 1: You know, maybe. But of course admitting to it now would jeopardize the second part of that sentence, so I'll pass that one as well.
Author 2: Probably not, but I'd like to be considered a brilliant master criminal, like an international jewel thief or a franchise detective's chief nemesis, which might involve some bloodshed. (My calling card would be an empty glass with just the merest film of the Macallan 12-year at the bottom)
Author 3: I have no idea what you're talking about, I was at a dinner party with half a dozen friends, all of whom will corroborate my story.
Author 4: My bloodlust would know no end.
Author 5: Could I also repress the memory of committing HOMICIDE? That shit seems like it'd weigh mighty heavily on a person. (No. I don't think I would do the murder.)
Author 6: Yes, with kindness.
Author 7: Probably not. I'm a pretty firm believer that what goes around comes around, and I like living at the moment.
4. If you could have one superpower, which one would you choose?
Author 1: The one where you acquire lots and lots of money for doing little to no work at all. Wait...
Author 2: The power to have any pair of pants fit me perfectly on the first try.
Author 3: The Handsomeness of Franklin Gutierrez.
Author 4: The power for my body to always be the perfect temperature.
Author 5: The ability to travel in time without causing a ton o' paradoxes.
Author 6: Time travel since flight is also inherent in that ability. Or transmutation (gotta lot of feathers I could turn to gold if ya know what I mean).
Author 7: Be able to talk with trees, that way I wouldn't need neighbors. I'd have my woods.
5. If you could combine the body of one animal with the head of another, which two would you choose?
Author 1: The bear from THE REVENANT with the bear from those stupid TED movies.
Author 2: Baby sea otter head on a baby sea otter body I really just want a baby sea otter.
Author 3: Body of an ant, but human sized (crazy strong), with the head of an Eagle (super vision).
Author 4: Body of an tiger, head of a dragon, for I am become death.
Author 5: The body of a Pikachu and the head of a giant panda.
Author 6: Head of a Komodo dragon with the body of a Komodo dragon.
Author 7: Head of a goat (seriously, square pupils), with the lethargy and body of a sloth.
6. Which two celebrities would you want as parents?
Author 1: Patrick Stewart, except he has to be in character as Captain Picard the whole time. And Diane Keaton.
Author 2: Rachel Maddow and Mokey the Fraggle would create the most supportive and yet intellectually rigorous environment.
Author 3: William H. Macy & Keanu Reeves.
Author 4: Shawn Spencer and M.C. Clapyourhands.
Author 5: Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.
Author 6: Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Lopez.
Author 7: Treebeard and Uma Thurman dressed as Poison Ivy.
7. Why did their voices change when they swapped faces in Face/Off?
Author 1: Zach, you know it was just a movie right? They didn't actually switch faces, they just had the actors pretend they were playing one another at a certain point in the script.
Author 2: Wait it was different guys in Face/Off? I thought it was like a Parent Trap scenario.
Author 3: Because the face is the part of the body that contains the soul, and thus a face transfer is ever so much more than a surface re-design.
Author 4: Face/Offing technology had just been discovered and had not yet been perfected.
Author 5: They didn't. But all white dudes sound the same so nobody noticed.
Author 6: Changed lips, obviously.
Author 7: Only John Woo knows that answer, and therefore no one knows that answer.
8. You're on death row for killing that guy in question three -- what's your last meal?
Author 1: A six pack of Rainier.
Author 2: Same as every night, I will dine on the hearts of my enemies and a single, perfectly ripe avocado.
Author 3: Look y'all give me some 1964 right bank Bordeaux and a corkscrew, I don't need any food and I'll save the taxpayer's money when the wine's gone.
Author 4: A half dozen Totino's party pizzas and a box of red wine.
Author 5: Chile rellenos. Sushi (all of it). Ranch fries. Dr. Pepper.
Author 6: Well I'll be full from sushi so probably something light like sashimi.
Author 7: But I'm not on death row because I didn't kill anyone. I feel like this question makes my answer to question number three irrelevant. Regardless, I'm mashing a bolognese into my face and chugging down a 2010 Brunello. Hopefully I'm on death row in a few more years so that wine has the proper time to age.
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Quiz time! If you answer correctly, you will be entered into a chance to win my autographed headshot.