PHOTOGRAPHER: First, can you make a face like you have just remembered a secret someone told you when they were very drunk, a secret that could potentially ruin them, and you don't plan to tell it, but you know you have that power.
BENOIT: Um. Like, um, like--this?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay good but it needs something. Maybe, act like you're smelling something.
BENOIT: I don't--smelling something? Like what?
PHOTOGRAPHER: So I have to do all the work?! Fine, the smell is like how a CVS or a Walgreens smells.
BENOIT: Uh, what is that, like a Wal-Mart?
PHOTOGRAPHER: If I meant Wal-Mart, don't you think I would have said Wal-Mart.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, so you’re a large man with virtually no eyebrows and squinty little eyes, you should definitely be shot from a low vantage point.
LIND: I’m not so sure that’s flattering—
PHOTOGRAPHER: Also, you should totally point the bat like a gun, yes just like that, this has exactly the "ambushing the unsub hiding in remote cabin in West Virginia who is about to make a last stand" vibe I was looking for.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, so since you’re so like, conventionally handsome? I think it’d be interesting if we worked against type here. So maybe, like, I don’t know, maybe think about the saddest thing you possibly can.
GUTI: But I want to smile. I am so happy to be with my friends playing baseball.
PHOTOGRAPHER: *Holds up picture of Trump being sworn in as President*
GUTI: Aha, I see your trick, but no, I will smile for my fans. They have supported me through everything. They deserve to see my smile.
PHOTOGRAPHER: *Holds up picture of Trump being sworn in as President of Venezuela*
PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, for this, I want you to imagine you’re a sitcom dad and your daughter’s date just showed up.
SANCHEZ: So you want me to look really mean?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah, just like, All in the Family, like a real Archie Bunker face.
SANCHEZ: Archie Bunker?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Or like the dad in Our Miss Brooks? Like you’re about to kick Walter down the stairs, that knucklehead.
SANCHEZ: Wait a minute… how old do you think I am?
PAXTON: …So you see, there’s kind of this running joke about how I’m sad all the time, eh? But I’m not sad. I’m very well-paid for what I do, I have a wonderful family, and I feel so great. So can we take a bunch of pictures where I’m smiling and happy?
PHOTOGRAPHER: That’s fantastic, Bill, yes we can do that.
PAXTON: Okay, as I told you before it’s James, but that’s fine. Did you know you can make spaghetti with zucchini instead of noodles? Cover that sucker in some homemade pasta sauce, to cut down on the sugar, and you can’t even tell the difference. Anyway, so let’s take a happy picture, right?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Sure, sure. Let me just adjust this filter. So what’s Tom Hanks like?
PHOTOGRAPHER: It must have been great to work with him. Say, do you ever see any of the kids from Spy Kids?
PAXTON: Look, I’m still smiling, just take the picture, eh?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Did you know that over 90% of people who lose weight gain it all back?
KYLE: Here I am, standing normally.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, great, if you could just maybe relax your shoulders a little
KYLE: Normal human standing, I am doing it.
PHOTOGRAPHER: And try not to tense your wrists, keep them a little loose.
KYLE: You’re right, I’m standing okay, but it could be better. Everything I do could always be a little better, couldn’t it? How is this? Is this how Corey would do it?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Maybe don’t hold the bat like it weighs forty pounds?
KYLE: *doing squats* But it does weigh forty pounds. You didn’t expect me to just stand here, did you? Like a normal, totally relaxed human, as I was? My back could be stronger. Everything I do could be better. But back to standing, normal and human-style, got it.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Is your—are you flexing your neck?
JOEL PERALTA: So did you get your shots?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Yes, for sure, thank you. Just…maybe one more? Just as a personal favor? See I have a friend who’s casting an episode of Law and Order and needs someone to play a crooked garage manager?
PERALTA: So like a speaking role?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Well, really it’s that guy’s bodyguard.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Actually the bodyguard of the guy’s bodyguard.
PHOTOGRAPHER: It’s actually just the garage, you’d be playing the side of the garage.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, for you, Wade, I want you to look like a person being interviewed on the news who’s just lost everything in a flood.
PHOTOGRAPHER: It’s all gone, Wade. All of it. Your photo albums. Your old journals. The ticket stub you saved from the school carnival in eighth grade when Laura Anderson let you hold her hand on the Ferris Wheel. Everything has been consumed by the river’s insatiable appetite.
MILEY: I don’t understand, what—
PHOTOGRAPHER: The dog, too, Wade, and all her puppies. They bobbed along before you, lifeless, like memory’s skipping stones in the graveyard of your happiness.
MILEY: Why is this—
PHOTOGRAPHER: BECAUSE THE HUMAN CONDITION IS ONE OF CONSTANT LOSS AND SORROW
COOK Did you ever notice how a ball is shaped liked the world?
COOK: What if we're all just living here, between the seams, in some kid's dream?
COOK: Each of us just one speck, one molecule of leather on one ball in a giant celestial hopper? In one ballfield out of the hundreds scattered throughout the star system?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Ryan I'm going to take the picture now
PHOTOGRAPHER, TO ASSISTANT: Okay, can you make it darker
ASSISTANT: *Turns out most of the lights on set*
PHOTOGRAPHER: Darker than that
ASSISTANT: Boss, there’s only one—
PHOTOGRAPHER: DARKER, I CAN STILL SEE IT