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An Open Letter to Tyson Ross

Every puppy deserves a home

we love puppies too! OMG this is so crazy, we feel like we’ve known you forever

Dear Tyson Ross,

We all know the free agency market for pitchers is thin, and teams will be tripping over each other to secure your services. You’re probably reading this, eating crab shipped fresh from Baltimore, chasing it with some fresh-pressed Florida orange juice, stretched out on a blanket made of actual Chicago-area cub fur (or maybe it’s actual Chicago Cub. They need to get some value out of Heyward’s contract one way or another.). And I am too poor to even conceive of what the Yankees or Dodgers might be able to do. Maybe you’re reading these words stretched on a hammock at Francis Ford Coppola’s private island in Belize, except the island is also on a spaceship and there’s like, I don’t know, some kind of fruit I’ve never heard of? My plebe mind boggles. Look, I know we, the Mariners, can’t compete with that. They wear short skirts, we wear t-shirts made of polar fleece, etc. But I’d like to offer you some reasons you should consider becoming a Seattle Mariner:

West Coast, Best Coast:

You’re a Cali boy, born and bred, and you like your Cali teams. Except if you want to stay in Cali as a baseball player, here are your options: Padres nope. The Giants have a luxury tax this year and still have to figure out how to pay Bumgarner, who would be your teammate if you were to sign with the San Francisco Giants. The Dodgers? Don’t you want to learn about fiscal responsibility? The Dodgers are not the place to do that. It’s classic Suze Orman, Ty. People first, then money, then things, but especially if those people are Seattle people, who are a lot like California people, but paler.

That leaves the two AL teams. Angel Stadium is the upside-down to Disneyland, where children’s hopes and dreams are sucked away and turned into money to pay for lobster nachos in the luxury boxes, which is then turned into money to pay for Albert Pujols to run out a grounder to first like Immortan Joe rumbling through the desert. Oh, and I know you’ve already been there and probably wouldn’t go back, but just a reminder that literal, actual poopwater flows like wine in the last days of Rome through the Oakland Coliseum, and the team has to give up their revenue sharing because they’re such penny-pinching Scrooges, with approximately the same level of hygiene in their infrastructure.

Having dismissed the California teams, there is only one other West Coast option, and it’s us! Come to Seattle. We have the same time zone and almost-similar summer weather but even cooler and more pleasant. (I hear Chicago is going to be making a strong bid for you. Chicago may be the champs but their weather has two settings: Freeze It All! and Burn It All! That’s just not our style, we temperate-blooded folk. Also, do you really think there are any good ramen shops in Chicago?)

All About That Action, Boss:

As a Cal product, and a person with two ears and a heart, we know you love Marshawn Lynch. We also love Marshawn Lynch! He comes up and visits our football team quite often. Look, here he is just hanging out outside Safeco (that’s where you’ll be pitching!) on his way to hang out with some of his football best friends:

You will notice the style. We are very causal up here, as well. If you can’t be in Oakland (and you can’t; see: the river of poo), Seattle is a pretty good second location. We even have a Beast Mode store now.

We Have Those Things, Too:

Your Twitter feed tells me you like donuts (we have very good donuts! Even vegan very good donuts!), bike rides (everyone here rides a bike, for commuting or just for fun), and reading a lot. Here is one area where I would humbly submit Seattle has the edge on San Diego, as we consistently rank as one of the top-three most literate cities in the country. Come, be amongst your nerd brethren, Tyson. We even have reading parties where you can also pet animals.

No More Batting!:

Remember when you subluxated your shoulder swinging a bat in 2013? No more of that nonsense once you re-join the AL! Spend your half-innings in the comfort of the dugout while your very own personal hitter goes out and swings a bat for you. He’ll even make you look real, real good while he does it:

Jose Rivera
We Need You

Laying it all on the line here, just a girl (virtually) standing in front of an MLB pitcher, asking him to pitch for her team. We need you, Tyson. We need your arm in the rotation once you’re all healed up, but more than that, we need your spirit. We lost Taijuan Walker in trade, which was a necessary move from a team construction standpoint but a real kick in the pants to the team’s fun quotient. Tai was young and personable and active on Twitter and in the community, and that felt special, and now there’s an empty space where that fun and specialness and promise used to be. It’s a space you alone on the FA market could fill. Baseball needs more players like you. We need a player like you.

Dear Tyson Ross, there is a fanbase here just waiting to love you. We have been passed over by a lot of other prospective players, who put no-trade clauses in their contracts or turn their nose up at us because we aren’t the fanciest fanbase up for adoption. But if you choose to come here, we will be grateful in a way no pedigreed fanbase could ever be, if you just say yes to us.