Proposed 2017 World Series parade route for Seattle Mariners leaked

The streets in Chicago were flooded with citizens and fans who have spent generations waiting for the Chicago Cubs to proudly hold a World Series parade. Today, it is a new world, where all sports dreams can come true.

One of those dreams is for the Seattle Mariners to finally achieve postseason glory. The Seattle Mariners are one of two teams to have never appeared in the World Series, and the city of Seattle has prepared a planned route for a 2017 World Series parade.

Unlike the parade for the Seahawks, which began at the Space Needle (essentially) and ended at Century Link (essentially), the city is planning something that shows the rich history of the Mariners and pays homage to some of the players’ favorite things about the region where they live.

Here is the leaked map:

As you can see, it is quite the ambitious undertaking, requiring the closure of large swathes of Seattle and Bellevue, as well as portions of I-90 and Highway 520. The victory parade comes in at approximately 35 miles, and city officials estimate the parade will take almost 12 hours.

The map appears to be rather incoherent, but much of that can be blamed on Felix Hernandez and his insistence that he stop by Chace’s Pancake Corral in Bellevue while on the route. It is also key to note that Kyle Seager specifically requested a parade route longer than 20 miles for decent cardio. He plans on jogging in place at each intersection until the walk light is on and doing 40 squats at each parade stop.

Stop #1: Top Pot Doughnuts on Summit Ave.

Although Dae-Ho Lee is technically not a Seattle Mariner at the moment, the Korean slugger has expressed his interest at rejoining the Mariners, and the Mariners have expressed interest at re-signing the right handed hitter. Lee has expressed his love for the Seattle institution during a jumbotron interview with a small child, aired at Safeco Field on July 2, 2016. The Seattle Mariners also placed this stop first, rather smartly, as the parade attendees will all need carbohydrates and coffee to survive the day’s events.

Stop #2: Uncle Ike’s Glass and Goods

This stop appears to be a hold over from Adam Lind’s 2016 contract. Lind, accidentally revealed his affinity for the marijuana on social media, and then was promptly accidentally ratted out by an unnamed narc.

Whoops. The now deleted photo pretty much contained a pile of trash on a coffee table with an Uncle Ike’s bag in clear view. Again, another smart stop by the Seattle Mariners, as the parade attendees will need all the help they can get in surviving the 12 hour affair.

Stop #3: The Roanoke Inn

After Uncle Ike’s, it is a long haul for the parade until it reaches Bellevue, so the Mariners were smart to install a stop on Mercer Island. Critics of the parade are a bit upset that I-90 will be closed for approximately four hours, but again, the topography of the region doesn’t allow many avenues for getting over to Chace’s Pancake Corral.

Luckily, there is a proper stop along the way at the Roanoke Inn on Mercer Island, which just happens to be Seager’s favorite bar. Admittedly, Seager says he doesn’t get out much any more because of the little one, but he would be happy to enjoy a pint or two after completing his 120th squat of the day.

Stop #4: Chace’s Pancake Corral

The unassuming pancake slinging joint got its shoutout in a 2013 New York Time’s piece on why King Felix decided to stay with the Seattle Mariners.

For Hernandez, the choice came down to comfort. Comfort in his neighborhood, east of Seattle in the Bellevue suburbs, where his two children play in the local parks. Comfort in the direction being taken by the Mariners’ organization, its minor league teams laden with young talent. And comfort food at his favorite local eatery, Chace’s Pancake Corral, an unassuming joint that suits its most superstar of clients.

Without a doubt, any Mariners’ World Series parade needs to include a spot at Felix’s favorite pancake house, because even though by the time the Mariners win a World Series there is a good chance that King Felix is no longer the apex pitcher that he once was, the Mariners still owe it to their king to honor him appropriately. So why not one of the reasons that he decided to stay in Seattle? The least we can do is walk the 10+ miles across the I-90 bridge to relish in some pancakes.

Stop #5: King’s Hardware

Along the way, the Mariners are going to have to pick up Charlie Furbush, who once seemed to be the most quintessential man in the bullpen. Then one day, he got injured. Then one day, David Skiba ran into him at a bar. And as far as we know, he has never left that bar.

But really, if the Mariners are making the postseason, they will obviously need a bullpen. It would behoove them to celebrate one of the more reliable members of the bullpen (until injuries rendered him unreliable). Also, Charlie Furbush for 2017 team capatain.

Stop #6: Mike’s Fishing Dock

This might just be stereotyping at its finest, but Mike Zunino seems like the kind of fella that enjoys a good day of fishing, and if not fishing, just all around hunting and gathering. The parade also needs to take in some of that scenic Seattle waterfront, and there is no better place for that than making the trek down the Elliott Bay Trail through Myrtle Edwards Park. That just so happens to be where we will pick up Zunino, at the dock that is often populated with the locals lending their hands at squidding, fishing, and other pole in water based activities.

Also, considering that the Mariners currently don’t have a whole lot of other options at catcher, if they are to make a World Series run, presumably it will involve an improved Zunino. He was able to post a 1.2 WAR in limited time after all...

Stop #7: Safeco Field

This is a given. After nearly 35 miles of walking, roughly at a pace of three miles per hour, the parade will finally arrive at Safeco Field, hopefully by 8 pm. It will be a long slog, but it will be a slog that is worth every minute of the journey. Because as Mariners fans, we have suffered every minute of the journey, and then some. It is only appropriate we bask in success for way longer than humanly necessary.