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Your Black Market Mariners Holiday Gift Guide

Hey kid, wanna buy some merch?

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Jerry Treager Meg Rowley (@megrowler)

Earlier this week Kate put together a wonderful spread of Mariners paraphernalia that you, the discerning Lookout Landing customer, could quite reasonably find and purchase on this holiday weekend. It’s very useful and thorough, if that’s what you’re into. Others among you, however, like a more challenging and occasionally distasteful customer service experience.

You have come to the right place.

“Snowy Langdon” Vintage Large Baseball Card Print ($13.50-25.00 depending on size, AswegoArts on Etsy)

AswegoArts

Not to be confused with former Padres minor leaguer and Cleveland Cavaliers 1st round pick, the “Alaskan Assassin” Trajan Langdon, Snowy Langdon was the catcher for a local Indyball team in the early 1900s. The final fate of Langdon was unknown, as he apparently disappeared following a postgame bar fight in Spokane, but the Khajiit-like backstop was fortunately memorialized in an early baseball card. The original card has been faithfully recreated with added color here, and would serve as an excellent centerpiece and conversation starter.

“MLB Seattle Mariners Pocket Mini Umbrella 2-Pack” ($11,653.20 on Amazon)

Amazon

Y’all want two umbrella bags that are unquestionably packed full of cocaine? Now you can get them while simultaneously repping your favorite team.

Calcomania Magallanes Mascota Transparente ($1.99, from La Tienda Del Fanático)

La Tienda del Fanático

This transparent decal depicts “Capy,” the beloved, kid friendly mascot of Los Navegantes del Magallanes. The Magallenes are, of course, the Venezuelan professional team Félix Hernández will be playing for in a few weeks. While everyone else will be wearing overpriced $40-50 jerseys or $20-25 hats, you and your family will get the last laugh with Capy. If you are worried Capy will be lonesome on your car without his “very charming” girlfriend Lola, fear not.

Capy seems to do quite well by himself too.

Chicken Wolf Replica Moustache ($9.99 at Costumes of Nashua)

Costumes of Nashua

A less discerning customer than those of you reading this might mistake this piece for a run-of-the-mill false facial hair accoutrement. Just as I did, however, you will recognize this as a William van Winkle “Chicken” Wolf replica stache.

Baseball Reference

Wolf played RF, 3B, and SS for the Louisville Colonels in the 1880s and early 1890s, leading the American Association in hitting in ‘90 with a .363/.421/.479 with a whopping 46 stolen bases and 197 hits, and 5.2 bWAR in 134 games. According to SABR, Wolf developed his nickname after gorging himself on chicken prior to a game, despite being told explicitly to eat lightly by his coach. Wolf proceeded to make several errors in the game and was dubbed “Chicken” by his teammates. The Mariners are in need of a 2-5 win outfielder, so perhaps gifting this facial faux fur to Ben Gamel, Mitch Haniger, or another young Seattle outfielder would be a gift to all of us.

Mariners Bride & Groom Wedding Cake Topper ($64.99 by WedSet on Etsy)

WedSet

On the surface this may seem simply like a wedding cake topper that’s merely in poor taste, but look closer, friends. The eternal suffering of Mariners fandom is as binding as any marriage vows, and the sadistic grin of the groom reveals that their new joint fandom/suffering will be as everlasting as their love. Are you or a friend intending to spread your fandom like a disease to the love of your life? This, or its gender-swapped counterpart, is the piece for you.

Mariner Moose Love Ugly Christmas/Holiday Sweater ($23.98 by LL Industries on Esty)

José Rivera (but if you are a lawyer, I did make him do it)

My final recommendation is a bold adaptation of my favorite sweater that exists in my own wardrobe, which was produced by “skipnwhistle” on Etsy. Designed to be unisex and available in all sizes, as well as offering green, blue, and red color options, this 50/50 cotton-polyester sweater is sure to make you or your lucky gift recipient the warm and cozy hit of any holiday party. While we here at LL Industries were surprised the Mariners agreed to such an... atypical depiction of their beloved mascot, perhaps they are simply looking to engage in some cross-promotion with Capy and Lola.

Hopefully all of you keen-eyed shoppers found something of interest in this list, but feel free to share any extra suggestions. Happy Holidays to you and yours. May your deals be cheap and your weekends long and restful. Go M’s.