Forget Thanksgiving, as everyone knows it’s just the warm-up to the Big Show: Holiday Gift-Giving, baby! As Mariners fans, all we want for Christmas is Yo (okay, not actually, but I couldn’t resist), but here’s some material frippery for you or the Mariners fan in your life, if you’re into pleasures beyond shoring up the shortstop position. Important disclaimer: I am not being paid to advertise any of these products, nor do I make any guarantees of quality contained therein, which is a sentence I should add to my Tinder bio. I’m simply giving you, fellow fan, some ideas for tabs to conspicuously leave open on a shared computer. Just remember to practice your “surprised” face. I’ll get you started: The Mariners traded for Kenley Jansen! Oh, no, sorry, that’s Kerley Jonsen, a minor leaguer with a 14.72 ERA in the Adirondacks League (he plays for the Borscht Belt Bombers). But remember how your face felt there for just a second? Use that.
Remember that there’s always the option, too, of giving a membership to Baseball Prospectus (who have a holiday special going on right now!) or FanGraphs or MLB At-Bat, which may prove to be more useful than a bottle opener made from a game-used bat, but let’s face it, everyone wants something to unwrap.
Home Plate Doormat ($25, Uncommon Goods)
The perfect gift for the baseball fan who’s recently changed affiliates or someone who just needs a little extra home-team spirit for the doorway. Bonus: re-enact The Slide every time you have a family gathering.
The Eephus League Scorebook ($18, Eephus League)
The Cadillac of scorebooks. Small enough that it’s easy to carry and won’t knock over someone’s garlic fries, but detailed enough to provide a rich record of up to twenty games.
Safeco Dirt Pen (Steiner Sports, $20)
(No picture, because I can’t grab one off the site, but imagine a pen, and the top part kind of looks like a poorly rolled cigar.)
Sure, you could make your own dirt pen by faking a fall at the “run around the bases” attraction at Fan Fest and surreptitiously scoop dirt into your own container before cracking open a pen you stole from Janet at work and pouring it in and then lying, lying like a rug when she comes into the conference room asking if anyone has seen her pen, it was her favorite, but who has time for that? Just get this and take a little bit of Safeco with you to that awful all-day meeting for daydreaming inspiration, and let Janet live her life in peace. Alternatively, use it to write in your lovely new scorebook.
“The Double” Poster Print ($25, JustABitOutside on Etsy)
Perfect for brightening up the 90’s-era fan’s office or for decorating a dorm room, this playful take on one of the most iconic moments in Seattle sports history pairs an early video-game exuberance with the x’s and o’s of what happened on the play, with text of the words Mariner fans know by heart.
Personalized Baseball Glove Lace Bracelet ($15 and up, Game Day Feels)
Pictured above is my own GDF bracelet set—I ordered two, one with an Edgar quote and one with a Niehaus quote. Check the website for color options, as I’m not sure if they still have the green/navy set I ordered. Handmade by sisters in Ohio, the bracelets start out stiff and then relax into supersoft leather as you wear them, just like a real baseball glove. Plug in your favorite quote or the coordinates to Safeco for a personalized gift.
Driving Distance to Safeco Sign ($20, Travelsigns on Etsy)
If you know a far-flung Mariners fan, here’s a good gift to remind them of where their polestar is. Proceed with caution, as this gift might also feel a little like rubbing it in.
Baseball Voices: Dave Niehaus (Amazon, $15)
This listing is for the CD, but you can also stream it, although that feels weird and bloodless. I say, order this, and go to the local Goodwill and get a CD player, and then hunker over that large piece of outmoded technology and let Dave’s tenor play your bones like a xylophone. Or give it to an Old in your life, who will know what to do with it.
Gigantism Ken Griffey Junior Kitchen Towel ($25, ItalicWingdings on Etsy)
It’s too bad you can’t buy this because according to the seller there’s only one and clearly I must have it. This thing is hand-embroidered and I hope whoever made it has won a MacArthur Genius Grant.
Baseball Glove Flask (OddityMall, $36)
Make your next adult baseball game entertaining and suffer essentially no degradation in your skills by packing your own fun into right field. What else are you supposed to do out there? NB: I would not recommend trying to get this past the hawk-eyed gate attendants at Safeco, although if you do, maybe try to pass it off with your sweet-faced baby cousin. (That would be wrong. Don’t actually do that. But if you do, give me a heads-up so I can watch.)
Of course, if you’re into giving experiences and not material objects because you’re conscientious or whatever, check out the Mariners’ Official Gift Guide for things like season ticket deals or Spring Training packages. Bonus: If you spend a certain amount of money, usually they give you a cute little hat or something. Which you can then give to me, if you’re really committed to this “experiences only giving” thing.