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City of Seattle Leaks Proposed Schedule for Safeco Field Offseason Use

With arena discussions in the air, the City of Seattle has decreed Safeco Field must host more activities during the winter.

The Bone is coming to town and he’s bringing the pain.
Jose Rivera

Our extensive web of whistlebLLowers and informants has delivered us countless scoops here at Lookout Landing, including Peter’s exposé on the proposed 2017 World Series Parade route, and my and Isabelle’s Pulitzer-eligible series of ExcLLusives. Today, our moles have uncovered another groundbreaking set of plans sure to pique the interest of Mariners fans and other types of entertainment alike. Following a high-profile endorsement of the Chris Hansen-led Seattle NBA/NHL arena plan for the SoDo area by Ciara’s husband, Russell Wilson, the City of Seattle has begun evaluating the usage of each of its taxpayer-funded stadiums, including the Mariners’ very own Safeco Field.

While Safeco has been the home to a few major non-baseball events in its ~17 years of existence, the City has determined more is necessary from Safeco to justify its prime location and help make up for the slowdown in purchases of “special stadium license plates” that were expected to help account for the stadium’s construction costs. Below are a few of the most notable events on the calendar.

November 24th: First Annual Safeco Field Turkey Roast-Off

This new tradition is open to all entrants. While it seems unlikely to be well attended due to its timing, what individual with a desire to cook but lacking an audience for their gifts could resist this competition? Contestants will compete in categories including flavor, texture, and creativity, with cash rewards as well as tickets and memorabilia available. Attendees will be able to sample the concoctions, along with a full bar, up near Lookout Landing itself. They may also check their phones at the gate to avoid any possible interaction with their families.

November 25th: First Annual Safeco Field Black Friday Used Kitchen Appliances Sale

I suppose that makes sense.

December 8th-10th: International Society of Volcanologist’s Convention

The only type of eruptions that get this community more excited than an old Lou Piniella clip will be discussed in detail during this three day extravaganza. Whether you prefer cryptodomes or the Kingdome, this magmaficent display of the best and brightest in volcanic science is sure to delight curious minds of all ages. Fireworks shows will accompany each model eruption demonstration, for added effect.

January 13-15th: Monster Jam

In perhaps the biggest coup in the Seattle-Tacoma rivalry since the Transcontinental Railroad chose Tacoma as its terminus hub in the early 1870s, the biggest monster truck rally of the winter will be held in Safeco’s friendly confines, usurping the Tacoma Dome in a stunning turn of events. The legendary event will be re-titled the “Trucks, Trucks & MORE Trucks Monster Jam”, with a sponsorship by Mariners legend Jay Buhner. Not content to just be a figurehead, Buhner appears determined to be an active participant in the festivities.

Jose Rivera

January 27th-February 4th: The Seattle Boat Show

Many may question the feasibility of holding part of one of Seattle’s most beloved events in a stadium that has never played host to a hockey game, much less a full aquatic spectacle. That appears to not concern Seattle’s movers and shakers, nor the Mariners’ organization. Safeco Field will be filled with water for the entirety of the week long event, and will be stocked with freshwater trout and whitefish for avid anglers. According to a man I spoke with on the phone who claimed to be Head Groundskeeper Bob Christofferson, “We won’t have to water the field for the next three years. It’s a win-win!”

A test audience enjoys a seminar on best boating practices in the Strait of Juan de Fuca in peak sailing season.
Jose Rivera

In addition to much of the standard educational fare, a couple events seem ambitious, even for such an outside the box/inside the park event. On January 31st, a “Naval Battle” will occur, with the prize listed simply as “Starting Shortstop.” The initials “IM” are scrawled ominously next to this event.

The show will culminate on the 4th with the first ever live hydroplane race in the stadium itself. The winner will be determined, as always, by the volume at which fans yell each color during the race.

February 14th: Tinder Presents: Love at First Base

Find love under the LED lights, as Safeco Field opens up the doors for a singles-only event you won’t want to miss. Only available to Tinder users who swipe right upon receiving a proposition for the event, the Valentine’s Day event of the century will take place on the field itself. Carnival games, a kissing booth, and virtual reality blind dates are just a few of the many places you could meet that special someone, or several someones, at the ballpark.

March 22nd: KeyArena Appreciation Concert, Hosted by Future and Tom Petty

There is precedent for concerts being held in Safeco Field, including legends like the Beach Boys, Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Paul McCartney. There has never been a concert, however, that felt quite so... personal. Tickets start at $185.

With a packed schedule like this, it’s tough to decide where fans may want to start. There are many ways to make use of a massive space like Safeco Field, so if you have any suggestions, please free to leave them below. Entertainment like this should help this off-season fly by!