Late yesterday, the Mets re-signed Yoenis Cespedes to a three-year, 75-million dollar deal. The contract will pay Cespedes 27.5 million in the first year, after which he can opt out, to go live on an island made of his money, I presume, where he can dive Scrooge McDuck-like through stacks of cash equal to the GDP of a small nation. Cespedes's nickname is "La Potencia," the Power, which is a misnomer; it should be "Las Potencias," in honor of his perfectly manicured eyebrows, from whence his power springs. I mean, just look at these things:
Those are not eyebrows. They are Boaz and Jachin, the pillars that flanked Solomon's Temple; twin ingots of hardened ichor; a small patch of the Elysian fields groomed by the gentle horn-pats of unicorns. It is very likely Yoenis Cespedes spends more on eyebrow maintenance per month than you spend on rent. Look upon them and tremble at their power, then look upon these Mariner eyebrows to see if any can possibly compare.
10. Steve Baron
Baseball scouts talk about "good face," and while young Master Baron possesses a nice strong chin, if he ever wants to make it in the bigs, he must attend to that situation up north. Kid, those are not eyebrows, those are afterthoughts. Look at them, just lying there like a lizard on the heated rock of your frontal bone. You have brought a bag of chips to the eyebrow party. Step it up.
9. Chris Taylor
I understand, Chris, I really do. Your middle name is Armand. You come from Virginia Beach, a land of strip malls and faceless hotels and college kids facedown in SoCo shots. You need to up the tough factor. These eyebrows start out okay, then find themselves in an 0-2 count, panic, and begin flailing wildly. Tame the whole eyebrow, Chris, tame it like the bull in the back of Eagles' Nest Rockin' Country Bar.*
(*actual place in Virginia Beach).
8. Adam Lind
7. Ketel Marte
Started from the bottom...
...Now we here:
Ketel Marte wins Most Improved Eyebrows by a landslide. Pre-bigs Marte eyebrows are all raw, untamed athleticism, wiry and quick-twitch but errant in places. While his current brows still possess some of that wild mustang spirit, the influence of impeccably groomed good buddy Robinson Cano is evident here. These eyebrows are finding themselves. They are preparing to do great things. They are a pair of promises to a smoother, less error-filled future: a clean arc across the diamond that nestle perfectly in the first baseman's glove.
6. James Paxton
These are eyebrows that have seen things. War, plague, flood, all manner of disaster; these eyebrows carried things. They curled into themselves and burrowed underground like cicadas, waiting for the sound of spring, an opportunity to creep aboveground and survey the ruined world. These are eyebrows that have been knocked down seven times and are getting up eight. They travel across the barren plain and still they rise.
5. Wade Miley
These eyebrows just want to know if you are having a good time? There's plenty to eat; did you get enough to eat? There's a keg out back, if you didn't know, there's a keg fund on the table but don't worry about it. Did you meet Jen? She's very cool, these eyebrows think you will get along with Jen. Tomorrow we are all going mudding and then later to hear someone's brother's band play, do you want to come? No put your money away, your money's no good here, you are a guest and these eyebrows have got you covered.
4. Robinson Cano
You could buy a 2016 Mustang for slightly less than the amount of money with which you could purchase one hair from Robinson Cano's eyebrows.
3. Felix Hernandez
Look at these suckers. These eyebrows are made of quirk and sass and resilience. They are 1/3 1920s flapper, 1/3 Maleficent, 1/3 Spock. These eyebrows do not need to be large and bushy to communicate sus potencias; they flash like lightning and flick like a snake's tongue. They are our own eyebrows, the best and most loyal part of ourselves, a little dazzle we obtain by osmosis, and we are damn grateful for everything these brows have done for us.
2. Franklin Gutierrez
These are not eyebrows; they are rends in the fabric of the heavens through which you can see the universe entire. These are not eyebrows; they are the fur of baby forest animals born blinking into spring sunshine in flower-strewn meadows. These are not eyebrows; they are a stretch of earth from the Gardens of Versailles. These are not eyebrows; they are an angel's parenthesis.
1. Nelson Cruz
The eyebrows of Nelson Cruz are the closest thing the Mariners have to Cespedes-level brows. Nelson's eyebrow game, however, is a touch more slash-and-burn, like a pair of Japanese katana; these brows have the superior OBP. They're also very on-trend; teen girls have pictures of Nelson up over their makeup mirrors as we speak. Nelson's brows are aspirational, and inspirational. It's hard to look at them and not see how we could all do better, be better. (Note to all other Mariners: Please be better. Go to Nelson's eyebrow stylist.)
Did I overlook any particularly spectacular/unfortunate brows? Anyone who should have had a browbeating, or to whom we should brow down? Plead your case in the comments below!
(h/t to @cydniecr on Twitter for tweeting through this idea with me last night!)