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What is on the hot stove

In which I report what dishes I am cooking on the hot stove for various Seattle Mariners.

It is supposed to go in the mouth, you animals.
It is supposed to go in the mouth, you animals.
Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

Having house guests can be a mixed bag.  Hosting dinners is an art form, and one that was practiced every single night according to customs of the Romans.  That is like my dream.  Back then, the host was in charge of mixing the wine.  See, in those days, wine was essentially a strong fermented jelly and needed to be mixed with water to be made in to liquid.  Based off the host, you knew if you were getting hammered or just having casual drinks with your dolmas (I KNOW THIS IS A GREEK DISH YOU ASS).  Of course, the most important part of having guests is not the drinks, the focal point is the meal.  I know folks who have trouble attracting dinner parties to their homes simply because they never took the time to learn how to cook.  So what the hell is this article about on Lookout Landing?

I'm cooking for the Seattle Mariners and here's the dishes.

Felix Hernandez: Here we need a meal fit for a king, one with an especially voracious appetite.  What says decadence like a surf 'n turf meal?  For the Felix, I'd drop a couple crab pots out in the bay early in the AM, then take him lobster diving while the beef sits in the fridge on a bed of opened garlic heads and Murray River sea salts.  The lobster diving gives us something to talk about while we collect the crab pots and eventually get back to home base and boil the suckers right there.  Give us a few slabs of butter, get those fillets searing on a hot cast iron over the open fire below that heats the beachcombers after a long day, and we'd just spin yarns and let the fat drip down our mouths.

Kyle Seager: Frankly he probably just wants a KFC Popcorn Chicken Bucket and to play lawn bowls.

Robinson Cano: What do you cook for a man of such international taste and acclaim?  What do you get the guy who has got it all?  It's easy, something simple and elegant.  Robinson Cano just wants a simple tuna tartare, break a soft-poached egg over some chive, salt and pepper and toss a couple bread crumbs and call it good.  There's time for talk about whatever comes up.  There's time for all textures and all temperatures.  Oh, and Jay-Z probably comes, too.

Cody Martin: Who?  Oh, I am so sorry I do not see you on this list, about this mint?

Charlie Furbush: If we're being honest this man probably wants Eggs Benedict for dinner and I am so down for that party.  Extra Canadian bacon.

Nelson Cruz: It's a whole pig over a pit of flames and it is all for him.

Franklin Gutierrez: I make this really great panzanella with fresh, hand torn mozzarella, Brandywine tomatoes, basil, bake my own loaf of sourdough to turn in to bread crumbs, then grilled chicken, sauteed Brussels sprouts, olive oil and balsamic.  Salt and pepper.  It's healthy.  Its for health.

Leonys Martin: Feels like dude would want something with some pineapple in it.  A grilled pineapple.

Mike Zunino: I have a selection of push-pops for whenever adults bring their kids over.

James Paxton: What goes with maple syrup?  Oh, right, everything.  And some poutine.

Taijuan Walker: Kid just wants some In 'N Out and I feel you baby.

Ketel Marte: This is all about protein and I can supply it in whole.  First, we start the meal with a selection of fine and delicious meats and cheeses.  We'll griddle some semi-softs to get them black on one side and throw pancetta, prosciutto, and a few other cured meats upon the hot dairy.  Next, we're smoking a salmon.  Brown sugar and pepper and a touch of dill.  Nothing fancy.  In between we have a nice steak salad with a mustard dressing.  I need more dingers.

All in all, cooking for a group of men between the ages of 20 and 35 is rather difficult.  Tastes have not been given time to mature with some of these folks as their lives have been dedicated to the game.  When the meal is said and done, we just want enough room in our stomachs to play bocce ball with a nice Michelob Ultra in hand.  Now, is that so much to ask?

What would you cook this gang of ruffians?