The Mariners are probably almost certainly not going to make the playoffs. I'm sorry, folks. I should have said no spoilers. But while our favorite club may not make it, some recently discarded and departed former Mariners are likely to see October (and potentially November). This isn't an exhaustive list. But it might be the
most cringe worthy funniest. So without further ado or good feeling, I present the 2015 All Cast-Off Mariners Playoff Team.
Toronto Blue Jays: Justin Smoak
Fun fact: It is really hard to pick just one doofy looking picture of Justin Smoak. There are so many. I considered including a picture of bloodied Justin after he broke his nose taking a grounder to the face in 2011, but I was informed by my roommate that was too mean.
Additional fun fact: While Justin Smoak has been a Not Good Hitter for the Blue Jays this year 1) it hasn't mattered because the Blue Jays have all the good hitters and 2) he has been weirdly effective in the clutch, batting .252 with men on base and .328 with runners in scoring position, compared to his sub-Mendoza line .180 with the bases empty. Because of course the one thing Justin would be good at this year is that thing the Mariners have been really bad at. Of course.
Honorable mention: Mark Lowe and Michael "Cooling My Handsome on the DL" Saunders
Kansas City Royals: Kendrys Morales
When I was searching for pictures of Kendrys Morales in a Mariners uniform, the results were predictably hilarious, but many of the saddest ones highlighted how schlumpy he can be and I was concerned it would look like I was fat-shaming him. And seeing as Jack Zduriencik essentially kidnapped another human being when he acquired Kendrys from the Twins last year, that seemed mean. Kendrys, your body is beautiful in it's own way. Your play for the Mariners in 2014 was a David Cronenberg film.
A comparison that is likely to inspire super happy long weekend feelings:
Kendrys Morales 2014: .218/.274/.388, 8 home runs, 72 wRC+, -1.8 fWAR
Kendrys Morales 2015: .293/.358/.476, 17 home runs, 129 wRC+, 1.7 fWAR
Was some of that 2014 with the Twins? Sure. Did Kendrys Morales at DH cost the Mariners a playoff spot? Well, he certainly didn't help.
Honorable mention: Chris Young, who has been worth .7 fWAR this season
New York Yankees: Dustin Ackley
Dustin may have hit the DL almost as soon as he got to the Bronx (feel better soon, Dustin), but is there any doubt that he will come in to pinch hit in a playoff situation for Stephen Drew, hit a home run in that little league ball park they built, and invariably be lifted into the sky by an exuberant Alex Rodriguez? This will happen. Prepare yourself now so you can cry all your tears in advance.
L.A. Dodgers: Justin Ruggiano
Last night, Justin Ruggiano hit an RBI single to score Corey Seager, who went 2-for-4 with a double and two RBI in his major league debut. Only half of that sentence pertains to a Mariners cast-off, but it is useful to think about what might have been if we hadn't bought a Zunino. Every Seager the light touches could have have been our Seager. Eric Blankenship put the swings of the Brothers Seager in this nifty GIF. Think about that and then go stare at yourself in the mirror and scream. Like, as an exercise.
Pittsburgh Pirates: J.A. Happ
J.A. Happ, Seattle Mariner: 20 games started, 4-6 record, 56 earned runs, 13 home runs, 32 walks 4.64 ERA, 4.14 xFIP
J.A. Happ, Pittsburgh Pirate: 5 games started, 3-1 record, 6 earned runs, 1 home run, 7 walks, 1.98 ERA, 3.54 xFIP
Chicago Cubs: Fernando Rodney
I mean, Fernando Rodney already gave up one home run in relief as a Cub. It didn't cost the Cubs the game, but the full Rodney experience is surely just over the horizon. Don't ever change, Nando. Wait, I picked the Cubs as my bandwagon playoff team. Please change drastically, Nando.
Honorable Mention: Austin Jackson and Chris Denorfia