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The Rangers beat the Mariners because they are a better baseball team

Eh, it's true. I mean, 10-1, you can't really boast.

Mike Stone/Getty Images

Well you could do two things, really. You could be like oh god why the hell did I decide to watch this game with a bunch of losers eight and a half games out of first, I should know by now, it's been more than a decade, I am an idiot, age wisdom etc. You could do that. You could also be like one day we will die and our fleshy containers will rot in the ground but before that, we will get one more Franklin Gutierrez home run.

I'm going to go ahead and say that the second option would be the best, despite the fact that Major League Baseball has made the actual video of said event unembeddable for absolutely no good reason, but fuck it, here's a dumb person on the Texas Rangers trying to catch a ball absolutely smoked almost outside the strike zone by a baseball player who started the year on a minor league joke contract because his bones are made of popsicle sticks held together by flavorless chewed watermelon gum.

But, sadly, point is that the Seattle Mariners lost this here baseball game against the Texas Rangers. It looked kind of competitive for the first two and a half innings--there was a leadoff double from Soon To Be Something Ketel Marte in the first seconds of the game, and then a run from Texas in the bottom of the first before Mariners starter Vidal Nuno barely escaped a situation which could only have gotten worse had luck and providence not shone their beautiful faces upon him at that moment. Sadly, however, both concepts only apply for the first inning because it got bad fast, and he was out after only three innings and some change.

So yeah, the Mariners lost and they lost bad--10-1--and Nuno was pretty awful in the process. He's showing himself to be probably the bullpen arm that the Diamondbacks basically told us he was when he snuck over in the Trumbo trade, and after all is said and done, I really think the worst part of this entire shitshow season is going to rest on this event. Failed projections, inconvenient slumps, and losing streaks aside, the absolute worst part of this year is going to be the fact that the Seattle Mariners made a trade with the Arizona Diamondbacks in which the Diamondbacks basically unzipped their fly to show the whole deal, cancer and disease included, and the Mariners were like SIGN ME UP BUDDY.

Alright enough of that. So Nuno's 3.1 innings weren't the greatest, but besides an abysmal fifth inning from future Mariners trivia flashcard Jose Ramirez, the rest of the bullpen really wasn't too bad. The Mariners took full advantage of expanded rosters by tossing out four pitchers today, and only Nuno and Ramirez really shat the bed--Mayckol Guaipe threw some junk to generate a strikeout, two hits, and two walks, but Kensing, Beimel, Rasmussen, the other Ramirez, and surprisingly even David Rollins--beard and all--kind of did their thing with no consequence, making you think that maybe they should just do the whole 40 man roster all year long.

At this point, I could show you some clips, talk about the doubles from Elvis Andrus and the meltdowns from Nuno and all. But instead, I would love to just show you two absolutely incredible at bats that should tell you everything you need to know about this game--two at bats which tell you nothing whatsoever about the players involved in them, but rather, expose what kind of nonsense a game which is predicated mostly on luck and talent bent towards maximizing luck can often bring to itself.

Want a better recap? Go to Want the truth? Look at this shit.





One of these players is Kyle Seager, a baseball player on the Seattle Mariners you may have heard of as long as your name is not Jered Weaver, because Jered Weaver has never heard of Kyle Seager. But I digress. Alright fine, look, it's obvious which one of these is Kyle Seager because one is on the left side and also wearing a Mariners uniform. But my point is that both of these at bats resulted in outs, and both had shaky strike zone calls that could go either way and both had baseball players swinging their bats at balls they had ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS SWINGING AT.

Seriously, with robot umps, every one of those pitches are balls, and with the granted fact that say, Seager swinging at all the red pitches here determined which pitches Cole Hamels would throw in the future, this is just what baseball is sometimes. Sometimes you can look at an individual at bat--why on earth was Seager swinging at this shit?--and sometimes you can look at a whole season--why on earth did these losses mount up like this?--but sometimes you just have to be a single baseball touched the strike zone but you blew it anyway.

Tomorrow the Mariners try to salvage something with the Rangers, and from what I hear, a young up-and-coming pitcher will be taking the mound for one of the teams. Someone everyone has been talking about, with his better years ahead of him and wearing his youth and frightening expertise to what should be a remarkable career. The other guy has a disgusting mustache. I'll leave it up to you to decide who is who in my little game here.