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Bad News Bobbleheads

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Exploring the internet wilds in search of strangeness

This bobblehead looks so real!
This bobblehead looks so real!
Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

Yesterday, the Mariners inducted great pitcher, better person Jamie Moyer into the Mariners Hall of Fame the only way that makes sense: with a touching ceremony and a bobblehead. The tradition of bobblehead promotions has grown greatly in the past two decades, and with it, the tradition of reselling them on eBay. Search for any professional baseball player on eBay, and you're likely to get a collection of some great, weird stuff. Which got me thinking: which Mariners bobbleheads occupy that great/weird sweet spot between an odd player likeness and a strange promotional vision? Let's explore this crazy rabbit hole together, shall we?

Omitted on purpose: All of the Felix bobbleheads because they are actually very good (at least we know how to do that), Adrian Beltre as a Mariner (sad sigh about your super strange career, my friend), Fernando Rodney (Demand is low and supply very, very high. Also, yuck), and Macklemore (double yuck).

Chris Taylor Tacoma Rainiers 2015

Current high bid: $56.55

This bobblehead looks SO MUCH LIKE CHRIS TAYLOR. Seriously, this is the best human being to bobblehead fidelity I have ever seen. Does it hold part of Chris Taylor's soul? Is it a horcrux? IF WE SMASH IT, WILL BEYOND THE WARNING TRACK POWER COME OUT?

Erik Bedard Seattle Mariners 2008

Current high bid: $24.95

I want to get this and break the arms off. To be clear, I don't want to harm actual human being Erik Bedard. But I want to break his bobblehead. And then wonder why I spent scarce resources on his bobblehead, especially when I already have several All-Star bobbleheads on hand if I had only given them time to develop.

Mariner Moose 6th Annual Stitch N' Pitch

Current high bid: $69.95

Right off the bat, it would appear that the Mariner Moose is a pretty poor craftsman, and needs to learn the subtle art of stitching (well knitting), and potentially pitching. Seriously, we need some bullpen help. Do you throw left or right, Mr. Moose. You know what, it doesn't matter. Just don't Tip N' Pitch, and we have a spot for you.

Dustin Ackley Gnome Bobblehead

Current high bid: $17.95

Exotic locales featured on the bobblehead's box include: Paris, Taj Mahal, the White House. Exotic locales interestingly not featured: The Bronx, the DL, that sad place in our hearts where hopes and dreams go after they are snuffed out.

Taijuan Walker Tacoma Rainiers Bobblehead

Current buy now price: $110.00 (or best offer)

Do you remember when Taijuan had that weird bleach dye job on his flowing locks? No? Well fear not: for the completely reasonable price of one hundred and ten American dollars, those blond locks can sit on your living room mantle forever. Or best offer! I assume only your first born and/or Adam Jones rookie cards will be accepted. The free market, friends. It's a wild place sometimes.

Mike Zunino Tacoma Rainiers Bobblehead

Current high bid: $29.99

So confession, I have one of these. I ordered it from eBay, and waited with baited breath for it to arrive, and now it sits next to a Kyle Seager Lumberkings bobblehead on my bookshelf because Kyle and Mike are probably best friends. It is pretty good as catcher bobbleheads go but it has one small flaw: it doesn't really bobble that well. Which makes it a tragically perfect Zunino bobblehead: It is great in a lot of ways, except for that one thing it is supposed to be able to do and can't. I've learned a lot of life lessons from bobbleheads.

Bobblehead Memory Co Ornament

Current high bid: $12.99

AHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF. This bobblehead 100% comes alive at night, climbs down your Christmas tree, and perches on your bedside table so as scare the living shit out of you in the morning. 100%.

*All of these pictures were gratefully snagged from eBay. Go search "Mariners Bobbleheads." I promise I'm just scratching the surface.