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Mariners consumed in slow burning disco inferno

A Tale of Woe and Terrible Uniforms

David Banks/Getty Images

I was driving home when Trumbo left them loaded in the first inning (Because of course he did. Did his sad Trombone travel to Chicago? Could you see it in the stands?). The fact that I was driving is only relevant because I had yet to see the horror that awaited me. Our good friend Matt Ellis would ask, "What did we have here?" Well, what we had here was a bad baseball game and even worse uniforms. Sure, this game was a stinker. But that is a secondary concern to the real travesty of baseball that occurred in the Windy City tonight.

Just. What the hell are these uniforms, White Sox? Seriously these uniforms are so gosh dang ugly. I know that the seventies were a time of drugs and confusion and disco, but if you pulled Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall off the Studio 54 dance floor and asked them to design a baseball uniform, they would have looked at these and said, "Drop those babies in a disco inferno."  Did the White Sox lose a bet? You know when you try to do all the trends at once and you end up wearing wide lapels and stripes at the same time? Yeah. That. Also, just commit and wear the shorts. No? What? That would be silly?

This game also saw a couple of changes to the normal Mariners lineup. Roenis Elias got his first start back since being sent down to Tacoma, and pitched much better than the 4-0 score would reflect when he exited the game after 6 ⅔ innings. His struggles might have had something to do with some noodley outfield plays and shaky defense from one Bradley Austin Miller. Kyle Seager has played more innings than any other MLB player since he was called up in 2012 and with his struggles in August and a tough leftie on the hill in Carlos Rodon, Lloyd thought he'd give our Sweet Prince the night off. Brad Miller is an underrated shortstop and he may well evolve into a competent center fielder. But the hot corner is not his natural position. Which might explain how this happened.

Imagine Kyle going through the motions of this play. Imagine him getting the out. You know, just imagine Kyle's best plays from this year, instead of this. The Hawt Corner commercial played after the first inning. I missed you, Kyle. Elias' run in the first was unearned. Elias also missed Kyle.

The second would go scoreless for both sides but as Brad Miller threw out Flowers for the final out, you could practically see the wheels turning: "Where do I throw this? How many outs are there? How many outs do we need? How many outs does ANYONE need in baseball? Oh shit, right to first." You could also hear Elias yelling, "DON'T MESS IT UP AGAIN, YOU GOOBER." That was on the stadium audio, in case you were curious. Third base: The hawtest corner. Brad Miller: A wax candle.

Nelson Cruz extended his streak to 37 consecutive games reaching safely after a single in the third. He enjoyed about 4 second of being safe after getting thrown out at 2nd. Woof.

In the 3rd inning, the wheels came off the bus, presumbably because the bus was from the 70's, and Cano had to look away. Like seriously, what the fuck are these uniforms? Also, the Sox tacked on two runs.

The fifth inning wasn't great for the Mariners but it was perhaps worst for Jesus Montero who took a ball to the area below his belt and above his knees, and looked very uncomfortable.

The fifth also saw Eaton, who reached base four times, get drilled in the back because he was wearing one of those dumb uniforms, so Elias was probably unable to see the batter's box. He had to look away. It was too ugly. It's hard to throw a baseball when you're squinting away from a tire fire. Eaton looked pretty grumpy as he walked to first, glowering at Elias and his not terrible uniform. For a moment I thought he might charge the mound. Which is when Mike Zunino, by all accounts an incredibly polite young man, glowered back as if to say "I will end you and your dumb terrible uniform."

Eaton got to third on an Abreu single, and Garcia would sacrifice him home. Cano made a nifty play to end the inning on some crummy sliding from Abreu. A little more hitch in Eaton's giddy up and this would have been a double special super cool run saving out. It wasn't, but Abreau was still out. Why? Because second base was probably like "Ew ick get that dumb yuck uniform off of me."

Rodon was only at 79 pitches to start the 7th. Cool. Cool cool. But then GUTI GUTI GUTI took a two run shot deep and took Rodon out of the game.

Trumbo singled (surprise!) and then a pinch hitting Seth Smith doubled and it looked like we were in business but... Listen, these next two at bats are almost as ugly as the uniforms. Mike and Brad went down on seven pitches. Total. Together. The two of them. They saw one strike between them. The swung like they saw six. That isn't good. Put together a major league at-bat, you goobers. Actually, put together two, please.

We threatened again in the eighth, but it came down, as these situations always seem to, to MarkMike Trumzino and his sad trombone, and guess what? He did not defy expectations.

Logan Kensing performed valiantly, keeping the Mariners in it. But they politely declined to rally.

Fair. Honestly, no one wants to relive the 70's. Let's hope we don't tomorrow. Once was enough.