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Transformers: Battle for SadSpark

The SadSpark must be kept in Maribot hands, or the world will end.

By David Skiba
You've never seen a movie like this be...you've seen this movie before?
You've never seen a movie like this be...you've seen this movie before?
Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Earlier today I made the (un)wise decision of watching the most recent Transfomers film.  Even more-so, I live tweeted the entire affair and that was actually more fun than watching the Seattle Mariners lose another baseball game (for me, probably not for you).  What follows is the details of this past game and my afternoon watching robot fights.

EXT. SPACE

A LARGE ROBOT voiced by LOU PINIELLA looks down at EARTH, floating through space speaks as the CAMERA SLOWLY PANS TO DETROIT

LOU PINIELLA

There once was a time when Sodo was a sacred place and the defenders of it were just so, too.  Through their collaboration with humans, these brave Maribots gave joy back to the good people of Seattle when times were tough and the darkness had surrounded them.  They faced off near-certain death to rescue humanity from the fragile cradle it rests within.  But those times are long-forgotten.  Now, a new threat looks to destroy the peace and harmony that the Sodo warriors of old had fought so hard to bring to the Earth.  Brad Ausmus and his army of filthy Tigercons lead by Castellanotron seek to destroy the brave, new world the Maribots had sought to create.  They seek to take back the SadSpark.

EXT. PARKING GARAGE, DETROIT, MODERN DAY

A FORD PINTO sits next to a brand new FORD F350, a 2014 DODGE CHARGER, LAMBORGHINI AVENTADOR, and a 1996 DODGE NEON.  LLOYD MCCLENDON and MIKE MONTGOMERY survey the scene as the sun sets through grated windows from the floor above.

FADE IN...

LLOYD MCCLENDON

New York was a tough fight for us, Mike.  Frankly, things haven't gone well since the Break ended and it's time we all stopped enjoying the journey and just went for it.  It's time we fought back for what was once ours.  The Tigercons are coming back to Earth, and this time, they mean to take back the SadSpark.  With the SadSpark, they could blow the whole universe open and create a triple-reverse black hole.  Or, enter the pennant race.  Both seem like horrible outcomes.

MIKE MONTGOMERY

I'm scared both of the future and my past and also right now.  The Tigercons are lefty-mashers and all I have against them is my left hand.  What help can I get?  Is there any hope?

(the camera pans to Mike's left hand which is holding the SadSpark which is essen...it's a baseball)

LLOYD MCCLENDON

(gesturing to the cars behind him)

Well, Mike.  Jack wanted to send you his compliments for not being another, recent trade fuckup.

The cars in the parking lot proceed to TRANSFORM through whirling metal and swirling parts in to DUSTIN ACKLEY (Pinto), NELSON CRUZ (F350), MARK TRUMBO (Charger), ROBINSON CANO (Aventador), and MIKE ZUNINO (Neon).

LLOYD

Behold, Michael.  THE MARIBOTS.

MIKE MONTGOMERY

(smiling broadly)

HELL YEAH!  NOW WE HAVE SOME FIRE POWER!

DUSTIN ACKLEY

We are here to help you, Michael.

LLOYD

Ackley, what did I tell you about shaving that beard.

NELLIEBOT

It is his burden to bear.  Lead us, Lloyd.  With my brawn, and your mind, we will beat these Tigers.

ROBINSON CANO

(pops bubblegum, reloads his rifle all slick-like)

MARK TRUMBO

(talking so loudly it was impossible to edit his mic right)

YEAH I GUESS I'M JUST HAPPY TO MAKE IT IN TO THE FIFTH MOVIE.

ZUNINO

(fails to transform out of his car-form)

EXT. ALIEN SPACE SHIP

BRAD AUSMUS, a HUMAN WHO HAS CLEARLY BETRAYED HIS SPECIES directs a band of MENACING-LOOKING ROBOTS that are a non-descript silver color but one is definitely NICK CASTELLANOS.

BRAD AUSMUS

Tigercons, gather around me now!  Hello, my beauties.  I trust that all the preparations have been made so that these rust-piles from Sodo will be once-and-for-all wiped off the face of this measly planet.  First, we will attack them with SanScream.  PILOT, send us in to overdrive.  We head for Detroit, where the Maribots have hid the SadSpark.

The MYSTERIOUS PILOT OF THE SHIP turns around to reveal it is TORII HUNTER who is from an earlier movie in the series but it is well-established that he is very EVIL and HATED.

EXT. COMERICA PARK, BASEBALL FIELD

The SUN is SETTING on a beautiful BASEBALL FIELD where LLOYD, MIKE, and the MARIBOTS have assembled, waiting for the arrival of the TIGERCONS and their feared soldier, SANSCREAM.  SANSCREAM is played by ANIBAL SANCHEZ.  The SPACESHIP appears out of OVERDRIVE and the TIGERCONS pour out of the ship and on to the field.

LLOYD

All right, Maribots, here they come!  Maribots, get ready.  The SadSpark has to stay within our hold or the world will end in grief and sorrow.  Mike, get in the dugout and stay safe.  This is between me and Brad.

BRAD AUSMUS

Lloyd McClendon, come to die?

LLOYD

The way you delivered that line makes it hard to determine the punctuation.  Were you stating that as a factual or was it a question?

BRAD

WHO GIVES A SHIT LET'S START THIS.

For some STUPID REASON both the MARIBOTS and TIGERCONS decided that the battle for the SADSPARK will be decided by a game of BASEBALL but that they can still SHOOT THEIR WEAPONS AT EACH OTHER on occasion as long as it DOES NOT disrupt the PACE OF THE GAME.

SANSCREAM

Come here, you little Maribots.  Let me show you how the world will look when it burns.

SANSCREAM proceeds to PAINT THE CORNERS OF THE PLATE for THREE INNINGS and make the MARIBOTS look mostly like FOOLS.  TWO FULL INNINGS pass by and nothing really happens.

EXT. DUGOUT, COMERICA PARK

LLOYD MCCLENDON is giving a RALLYING SPEECH to his team of MARIBOTS lead by MIKE MONTGOMERY.  MIKE looks visibly SCARED because the TIGERCONS are GOOD AT HITTING and he has been SORTA WILD and given up a few WALKS.

LLOYD

LOOK AT ME, MIKE.  If we want to keep the SadSpark in safe hands, we are going to need you tonight.  You have to get out there, and keep dancing the tightrope.  Shut them down.

MIKE

I can do this, come on guys, let's get out there!

CANO

(pops his bubblegum)

TRUMBO

OKAY YEAH I WILL TRY VERY HARD FOR MIKE.

ZUNINO

(trips leaving the dugout)

LLOYD

(whispering to himself)

We are so done.

ZUNINO now out of CAR FORM walks to the mound to talk to MIKE.

ZUNINO

So I think in order for us to keep the SadSpark we have to do the winning thing and you will be important for that.  The first two innings have been fun so I'll just keep randomly signing numbers at you and use that baseball-shaped SadSpark to get these guys out and we can save the world!

MIKE

You seem like a nice guy, Mike.

MIKE proceeds to WALK TIGERCON DAVIS, KINSLER coerces the MARIBOT Seager, a 2006 TOYOTA LANDCRUISER to MESS UP INCREDIBLY.  DAVIS BOT SCORES 1-0 TIGERCONS.

MIKE

Seager, you were so dependable, just like your car's make and model.  This doesn't bode well!  Maribots, gather yourselves!

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.  TIGERCON YO WALKS and eventually the BASES ARE LOADED and CASTELLANOCON comes up to the plate as things are looking DESPERATE for the MARIBOTS.  CASTELLANOCON is a NOTRIOUSLY BAD BASEBALL PLAYER but has always known just how to ruin the MARIBOTS.

LLOYD

Mike, be careful!  Castellanocon has a pulse rifle that only works against the warriors of Sodo!

MIKE

I CAN DO THIS!

(throws a meatball after a long at-bat)

CASTELLANOCON hits a GRAND SLAM 5-0.

RANDOM TIGERCON

(hits a double)

RANDOM TIGERCON

(hits a double)

RANDOM TIGERCON

(hits a double)

MIKE

(coughing blood or sweat or I don't know what the hell happened here)

Lloyd, get me outta here!  They are too strong!

The INNING ends at it is 8-0 and ONLY THE TOP OF THE FOURTH COMING UP.  NELLIEBOT turns in to a FORD F350 THAT IS CLEARLY VERY WELL-DETAILED and has had like SEVEN DIFFERENT, MATCHING PAINT JOBS.

NELLIEBOT

Every story needs a hero, let me be that man.  Mike, leave the game.  I can take these treacherous Tigercons.

NELLIEBOT HITS TWO HOMERUNS and everyone thinks he looks GOOD because he has the GAME'S BEST EYEBROWS.  A very good looking 2010 CAMARO with some INTERIOR DAMAGE, voiced by FRANKLING GUTIERREZ drives off with a VERY PRETTY WOMAN.  ALL OUT WAR HAS BEGUN AND THE BASEBALL GAME HAS NOW ENDED

FRANKLIN

Sorry guys, I can't do this every night.

(the two go watch BBC's Planet Earth after making a plate of cheese and charcuterie for each other and have the best night)

ACKLEY

I do not get it.  Why did Franklin leave us during the battle.

LLOYD

Because we are done

MIKE

(sobbing to himself into a towel)

CANO

If you guys all just back-off, I think me and the Nellie bot could sorta handle this.

A RANDOM MARIBOT voiced by SETH SMITH drives up and ALMOST leaves the yard, TWICE.  FULL SCALE WAR is happening between the MARIBOTS and the TIGERCONS.

NELLIEBOT

(the skulls of dead Tigercons draped about his shoulders)

We are dying out here, do we have any reinforcements?

ZUNINO

(swings wildly and misses, knocks himself out on the bat he was using as a weapon against SanScream)

NELLIEBOT

(easily kills another, random Tigercon by sheer might)

ALL YOU TIGERCONS MUST DIE!

(ripping apart SanScream like some primeval beast)

TRUMBO

YES HERE I HAVE A LARGE ROCKET LAUNCHER THAT IS VERY POWERFU

(Trumbo shoots himself in the foot with a rocket launcher)

A RANDOM ICE CREAM TRUCK drives by the scenes of WAR and it is CLEARLY BRAD MILLER.

LLOYD

What useless piles junk.

TRUMBO

(crude sex jokes)

LLOYD

Not now, Trumbo.  Not even now.  We've lost the SadSpark, but we will have it again.  We will have it again.

The DUST SETTLES around COMERICA PARK and the FINAL SCORE is 9-4 in favor of the TIGERCONS.  NOBODY has seen ACKLEY for almost the ENTIRE FILM.  LLOYD sadly relinquishes the SADSPARK to BRAD AUSMUS WHO IS HANDSOME BUT NOT WELL-LOVED.

EXT. SPACE

The CAMERA fades out from the DUST PILE that is now COMERICA PARK and the voice of LOU PINIELLA begins to speak.

PINIELLA

And so our heroes lost the SadSpark to the hands of the Tigercons, who above all desire power, and the warriors of Sodo were made to recoup their losses.  Licking their wounds, they will fight again for the powerful SadSpark, the artifact that is the key to the universe.  They are locked in an eternal battle, the Maribots and the Tigercons, and whomever ends with the SadSpark shall hold our existence in their hands.  Or, I don't know, win a damn baseball game.

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