40-47 - Mariners Continue to Find 6.5 Games Under .500 Unattainable

Dear Nathan,

This is CapSea. You mentioned there was not going to be a recap today. I was wondering if I could post about whatever I want instead.

~CapSea

Dear CapSea,

It's Friday Night. Be your best you.

~Nathan

I have developed a strategy that I have started implementing with these Seattle Mariners in order to find them more palatable. Step one is to not watch them at all, and then there is no step two. So far it has worked like a dream, as the Mariners lost 7 to something during a game I did not watch, or follow, or care for in any way whatsoever. This was a midseason WNBA game to me, in that I was aware that the games exist but come on, why bother*.

If you are not excited for this recap then I don't know what to tell you because it is going to piss off anyone that came to read what happened during this baseball game something fierce. Let's do this in a series of bullet points, but instead of bullet points we're going to turn this into a numbered list for no reason other than America.

1. Thumbelina is one of the best players on The The Angels Angels of Anaheim and that's something that people have to mention all of the time. I wonder if that's what it was like for fans and other teams during peak Griffey years. I want to say it was not, though, because Griffey is Griffey and Mike Trout is an off color under-ripened zucchini with arms.
   
2. The frequency that users of Google search for the term "butt lift" corresponds almost exactly with the frequency that users of Google search for the term "yoga pants," with a peak search period of around 2012. It also correlates almost exactly with Kyle Seager.  Ponder that one a moment while I get "hey I just met you, and this is crazy" stuck in your head two years after that joke was funny.
   
3. Do you remember the 1995 season? How incredible that comeback was and how it felt to beat the Yankees in what has to be one of the best playoff series' in baseball history? Well I am happy to report that in about 1 year and 3ish months from now, children born after that magical season will be old enough to drink legally in the United States.
   
4. Do you remember the 2001 season? How incredible it was to watch a team explode to win 116 games, tying the most in recorded history at a time when there wasn't as big a talent disparity in baseball? Well I am happy to report that in about 2 years, children born after that season will be driving and probably had intercourse or experimented with some type of drug or play a lot of World of Warcraft or comment on Lookout Landing without knowing the difference between "your" and "you're" and probably "ur."
   
5. I don't know if you know this, but the Mariners are probably a bad team. This is very important information. What I find upsetting, however, is the tired trope that we need to accept the dumb moves our team does because we couldn't run a baseball team**. Cluck that noise. I mean, of course we couldn't - we haven't worked our whole lives in baseball, and have no idea how they currently operate. But if we were trained, not only could we do it but we'd do a better job. The internet and all of its dedicated researchers and specialists, as well as publicly available information, have blended the line between what you need a team of in-house researchers to discover, and what you can look up on Fangraphs.com. You know what this team is? It's bad. You know what many of us thought it would be? Also bad. It doesn't take any special information to build a bad team or make a bad trade for a bad player. Give any person here besides a few of you 5 years of training and chances are we'd be able to do a better job than whatever it is our current dingi are doing there.
6. There is an argument to be made that love doesn't really exist. Love exists in the sense that we can define some emotion as love if we want to, but all love is really just an extension of infatuation and our bodies don't know how to handle emotions we haven't experienced before, so as a result the person we are most infatuated with creates an emotion so strong that we have never felt it before, and we assume that that time is love. That is why we "loved" that person we had a crush on in middle school. We "loved" the person we went on three dates with before we broke up for no clear reason. We "loved" that first long term relationship, and finally we "love" our current partners, looking back on all of those other loves and wondering why we thought that was love in the first place. But don't worry, this time it's the real thing.
   
7. BigR likes bears.
8. Who's your friend that likes to play? Bing Bong Bing Bong. His rocket makes you yell Hooray! Bing Bong Bing Bong. Who's the best in every way and wants to sing this song to say Bing Bong Bing Bong.
9. Second Halfley doesn't exist. There, I just saved you a few months of frustration and having to read the word "Halfley" which just sounds terrible, like phlegm or or weblog or gluten or calhoun.
10. Jesus Montero played today and whatever happened it doesn't matter. Interestingly, what happens tomorrow doesn't matter, and the day after that doesn't matter, but weirdly enough the day after that does matter! Except no, no it doesn't. Darn.

Right now I could share a lot more, but then again I know SEO and one of the first things you learn is that people like 10 item lists.

Here's a fun fact - it is very likely the intellectual needs of the workforce in about 2040 or so will exceed the intellectual capacity of the majority of the world, causing basically all of your children to be economically obsolete, so get ready to have a 30 year old living in your basement until you die.

Today the umpire did a very bad job, he said knowingly.

Tomorrow is another game. During that game runs will be scored. If it's anything like today's game, then there will very likely be a team that wins, and something good will happen, but mostly frustrating things will happen. Or maybe today's game was really fulfilling! I actually don't know, because I didn't watch it. But then again it was a Mariner game, so... eye maggots for everyone.

Go comment some fun facts or a funny anecdote and enjoy your weekend.

* the WNBA is filled with wonderful people that excel at a sport that is probably fun to see in person, maybe.

** what makes this fun is that I am fighting back against no one that has said this recently.