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The Yankees swept the Mariners with a 3-1 victory on Wednesday, and it was dumb

Stop. Bad. Bad Mariners. Baaaaad.

when u tryin to catch that last game of thrones ep back at the hotel
when u tryin to catch that last game of thrones ep back at the hotel
Jennifer Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

Well as I'm sure you've heard by now, the Mariners just made a big ol' trade with the Arizona Diamondbacks, and it occurred no less than a few hours after the conclusion of today's baseball game with the New York Yankees, who depart the Pacific Northwest after earning a three-game sweep of the Seattle Mariners in what could very well prove to be three of the most important games of the entire season. Or, at the very least, a three-day microcosm of everything this team has given us so far this season. Let's see, we had...

  • 3 perfect, 20-something pitch innings from Felix Hernandez, who then began to suffer from a wet mound because somebody didn't close the roof in time, and who eventually gave up a grand slam to sink the ship and burn down the sails in what was supposed to be the best pitching matchup of the season. I don't really know what happened after that, because I turned my television off before the ball landed.
  • Nine hard-fought innings partially off the arm of Mike Montgomery, making his Major-League debut against a Yankees team that was far more threatening than he made them out to be. Nine innings that included a momentum-shifting meltdown from the best manager in baseball, which led one ESPN analyst to announce a possible corner turned towards the World Series which was then shat upon and ritually sacrificed by a Proven Closer and a bullpen that refused to live up to their billing as the Best in the American League and why did you ever think that in the first place?
  • Haha today.
If it seems like less than a week ago that the Mariners were at .500, well then you'd be correct, because it was less than a week ago that the Mariners found themselves with an even record. Now they are sitting at 24-29 and are hoping to god that the bat of Mike Trumbo and a new reliever starter can help whisk them back to where they belong. And to be honest--I don't really blame them. I don't.

Today the M's had to face Masahiro Tanaka, making his first appearance since an April injury that sidelined him for over a month. You wouldn't have known it, though, as he proceeded to put up nine strikeouts in only seven innings of work, giving up three hits and only a single run all day. It was visible evidence of why the Yankees gave him a bajillion dollars last year, and why he was such a tantalizing arm on the open market--buzzsawing through flailing bats, generating weak grounders with a split that brought with it a shift magnet for every hitter that needs to be patented to spread the love around, for crying out loud.

Now, what I could do is show you a screengrab of an at-bat where Tanaka made a Mariners hitter reach for something on the edges. Maybe that deadly cutter running in on the hands of a hitter who thought it was headed over the middle of the plate or something. You know, the real shit. Except I'm not going to do that, and it's not because I want to make the argument that Tanaka's outing wasn't praiseworthy--rather, it's that Tanaka knew full well that he could do this to a hall-of-famer,


and oh for the love of God, this is our reality now. This is a Robinson Cano at bat in 2015. I just...

After Mark Texiera blooped a dinger over the right field wall in the second, the Mariners put together a little run in the third following a triple off the bat of Brad Miller, which looked like this:

Brad handily made it into third, proving why that "crazy legs" moniker stuck around so many years ago (I'm still wondering what happened to Sergio, but I'm a little worried it's some Boondock Saints-y, dorm-room jägerbomb thing), and Dustin Ackley found himself up at the plate with a runner 90-feet from home: a situation that has so far this season screamed Fuckin' GIDP rather than In Play, Run(s).

With Ackley up, Blowers and Sims began discussing the Mariners' recent struggles with runners in scoring position. And right then--with a runner third and no outs nonetheless!--Blowers said something along the lines of This is exactly the kind of situation you *have* to work on, to get that runner home, something something struggle, drought, streaky it won't last forever pray pray pray, Thankfully, Ack wrapped a double into left a second later, scoring Brad standing up and putting a run on the board without a solo dinger in what seems like the first time since like, April or something. Blowers vindicated!

Except at that moment, Blowers had been speaking to casual fans in code, as he is wont to do. This is one of my favorite things about Blowers as our color guy, countering Dave Sims' GIDDYUPS and TO THE AIRPORTS with insider information and calm, measured analysis espoused through comprehensible language. See, Blowers knows full well that the Mariners have not only been struggling plating runners in scoring position--they also have been having trouble simply getting runners in scoring position in the first place. And not just when Tanakas and Klubers are on the mound! So with Miller on third with a gimme-triple, Blowers knew full well what was going through the casual fan's mind: this seems like an ample opportunity! Regression is bound to come! One of these days, a runner will be hit in, and maybe today! Problem is that I think he was actually speaking truth to what has been running through that dugout, too. And you know exactly what I'm talking about.

In the past week the Mariners have had a seasons' worth of TOOTBLANs, trying to stretch singles into doubles, attempting to score when they should have just held up at third. And why? Why do that unless you are, well, worried about something...oh...I don't know what could it be, what has been on everyone's mind over the past couple of days, perhaps...something spoken as recently as one paragraph ago, I just...don't know.

So by the time Ackley rounded third off a Logan Morrison single, you have to know that Blowers' get that runner home, put up a productive at bat wasn't only what was going through the mind of Grandma Jones watching the game between crossword puzzles over a plaid blanket, it was also stuck into the subconscious of each and every one of those Mariners players and coaches, hail-marying each run like each would be the last they would ever score. Yes. Not desperate? Well, just look at that trade one more time.

The good news is that Taijuan all but matched Tanaka on the afternoon, throwing over 75% of his pitches for fastballs but racking up seven strikeouts of his own with only a single walk. The Yankees scored on two home runs--the aforementioned solo shot to Texiera in the second and a two-run blast in the fourth off the bat of last night's game-winner, Garrett Jones. So by the time Tanaka reached his pitch limit in the eighth, the Mariners knew they had their best chance to finally put something together.

The Yankees threw out reliever Chris Capuano in Tanaka's place, and he promptly gave up a single to Justin Ruggiano before striking out Brad Miller. With Ackley up, Lloyd sent out professional pinch-hitter and soon-to-be-former-Mariner Rickie Weeks, which caused a bit of a kerfuffle with Girardi's bullpen before Andrew Miller was settled on to close out the inning. Frustratingly, Miller proceeded to
  • Hit Weeks on the back of the foot.
  • Walk Mike Zunino on four pitches to load the bases.
  • Throw three straight balls to Logan Morrison.
Morrison's fourth pitch was right on the edge of the zone, but could have been called either way (and it was, as a strike). The fifth pitch was down the pipe, and swung on and missed. Ball four was...also swung on and missed. And then he suddenly remembered how to locate his pitches and Austin Jackson was retired in no time. One damn long con to stop the Mariners from swinging the bat. It's almost like they didn't read the scouting report in the first place.

So yeah, we've got a sweep under the hat, too many games in the L column, and a pathetically underperforming team trying to reconstruct as piecemeal what was supposed to be the most dangerous lineup in the American League. Meanwhile the Royals still seem to be Murderer's Row reincarnated, and with a surging Astros club, the Mariners had to make a change. We can argue semantics and on-base-percentage until we are blue in the face, but the sad truth of the matter is that if Mark Trumbo came in and did exactly what he has done so far this season--which would easily be underperforming Jack's expectations--it would still be an improvement on what this club has done so far.

They may have not needed another bat-first corner outfielder with an aversion to walks, but what they needed even less was for the entire lineup to down a few benadryl and throw a Kenny Loggins record on in the background. And today didn't do anything to convince me otherwise.

So as usual, goms.


For crying out loud.