In every good tale of two fellas hitting the road to find the love of their lives, there's always a protagonist and then the lovable wingman. Generally, the wingman is the sort of character who provides the sort of contrast to the main character that a love interest could not help but notice the qualities of the hero. He's funny, but mayhaps a bit too obnoxious. He's cute, but not THAT cute. He's Coke but not Vanilla Coke. Man, that stuff was good.
Anyway, the wingman serves an important function. They get the plot rolling by removing the protagonist from their shell. They show them their value, and thus display the value of their pal to the love interests around. I'm probably over-complicating this. I feel like bars are a horrible pick-up scene. The wingman is clutch, okay. He tells funny jokes and compliments the guy who we all actually care about.
Tonight, the Seattle Mariners did not tell very funny jokes. They forgot to mention to that one girl, Sheila I think it was, that you did two years in the Peace Corps and then graduated top of your class at Duke Law. Frankly, tonight, the Mariners had one too many drinks to help you out. And Sheila, that five-game winning streak, man she was a looker. Yet, the Mariners did not do you a solid. They did not hook you up. They went 1-13 with runners in scoring position. And you lost, the Mariners lost, we all lost, 4-2 to the San Diego Padres.
There's not really that much more to say, for my eyes, in terms of analysis on what went wrong in this game. A team can't expect to win very many games going 1-13 with RISP. It was an ugly affair, and maybe kudos are due to James Shields, who seemed to slip away from trouble nearly every inning of the six-full innings he pitched, but man I hate giving kudos to James Shields. That guy is not cute. He gave up one run, a solo shot by Brad Miller in the 5th and managed to dance around his poor command the rest of his outing. I used the phrase "poor command" and yet he still managed to amass nine strikeouts over six innings. His outing, and maybe the entire game was typified in the bottom of the 1st, when Seth Smith reached on a single against the shift, Brad walked, and then Robinson Cano and Nelson Cruz both struck out chasing fastballs up out of the zone. Kyle Seager would then proceed to groundout to second base. Nothing going on with two men on and no outs. The Mariners would manage to strike out fourteen times tonight, which is more than half of the outs you are allotted in a normal, nine-inning baseball game.
At one point in the game, Logan Morrison had just had about enough with James and tried to kill him in cold blood in front of fourteen-thousand folk.
LoMo is absolutely smashing the ball right now, and according to the ROOT broadcast tonight, has the sixth-highest average batted ball speed in the majors. Kudos to ROOT for having batted ball data in their broadcast. Kudos be to all.
Taijuan Walker continues to improve from his rocky start to the season, going six full innings as well tonight. Over those six innings he kept his fastball mid 90's, touching 97 early on, and used that fastball throughout his outing to great effect. He left the game having tallied six strikeouts and allowing only four hits to one walk. He gave up two earned runs, one on a no-doubter solo shot by Will Middlebrooks.
Speaking of no doubters, Bradley had himself one as I previously hinted.
I wish you could see his face, because he exclaimed something that rhymes with "Go Brothertrucker" when that came off the bat. That's Blueberry Yum, Yum or I'm not Ludacris.
Let's move on to some bullets because I am ready to move on to the part where we beat up on the teetotalers from Boston.
- Taijuan Walker has the stuff to be an ace and his first inning tonight was proof of that. He worked fast, with great confidence, and was just easily breezing high-90s fastballs.
- Dave Simms attempted a War and Peace joke that just absolutely bombed after the bottom of the 8th. Stand-up comedy is hard. I imagine it being even harder after your audience was just deflated from another wasted opportunity and the inability to see your eyes under that fedora.
- Mikey Z followed up his monster evening last night with three strikeouts tonight. He did, however, have a double in the game as well.
- On top of his multiple strikeouts, Cano, Cruz, Seth Smith, and Chris Taylor all struck out twice. Having over half the lineup with multiple strikeouts will not win many games.
- The Mariners lost 4-2 to the Padres today, and I'm really not that worried about it.
- Joe Biemel is a current dead-ringer for Hugh Jackman.
- It is really awesome to have a third basemen who can do this:
I REALLY enjoy watching Boston lose. Make it so.