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BREAKING: Spring Training cancelled, Regular Baseball set to begin

After the Mariners beat the Rockies on Saturday, everyone packed their bags and went home because we've all had enough of this by now.

like players, because this crap is done and over with
like players, because this crap is done and over with
Allan Henry-USA TODAY Sports

The President of the United States cancelled Major League Baseball's Spring Training on Saturday, citing overwhelming irrelevancy leading to the city of Seattle actually looking forward to the regular season for the first time in over a decade.

"You know, Spring Training American institution," he said, "but I've been hearin' from some folks that we need to just get this shit over with and start playin' real baseball. So fuck it, let's do it."

The ban goes into effect at midnight tonight, following the conclusion of inexplicably meaningless exhibition games between the San Diego Padres and the Diablos Rojos of the Mexican League and an interstate matchup between two small-market teams out of the Southern California region.

Minutes after the President's announcement, the Seattle Mariners baseball club packed their gear following a 6-3 victory over the Colorado Rockies, set to fly back to the Pacific Northwest off productive performances from Kyle Seager, Logan Morrison, and starting pitcher Taijuan Walker, who threw only two innings before getting ready to do things like pitch eight innings in real baseball games that count.

"I felt good out there," Walker said, while simultaneously checking his text messages under the dry Arizona sun. "When you really think about it, it's kind of silly that everyone was still out there in the final week after rosters were set and everything. I mean what if I got hit by a comebacker? What if Seags pulled a muscle sliding into third? Let's just stop this madness and go home--" he said before ripping off his headset and walking straight to the locker room, because he won't be home for over six months and probably wants to actually get started doing the thing that actually gets him millions of dollars.

The President's Saturday ban on Spring Training was by no means a unique occurrence--in fact, studies have shown that a similar ban goes into effect every spring between the final weeks of March and early April. But as a sign of these heavily politicized times, the plan was not met with universal acclaim. The Philadelphia Phillies, projected to win just 69 games this season, have indicated they plan to stay in Florida and forgo the 2015 MLB season altogether. And Minnesota Twins starter Ervin Santana has spent the past two afternoons researching instructions on how to build a time machine in order to return to Thursday evening, hiding inside an eternal loop of spring ball like an ouroboros of regret and despair.

"Just don't understand," he was quoted as saying after the announcement. "Don't understand how (time) manipulated my body in a forward-thrusting teleology. Just don't understand."

Closer to home, the radio broadcast repeatedly dropped out after about every fifth pitch during today's Mariners/Rockies game, making it nearly impossible to follow random happenings from minor league players, such as Leury Bonilla hitting a dinger and Trey Cochran-Gill throwing a baseball to a man wearing knee pads and a metal mask a couple of times. And concurrently, local sports website Lookout Landing responded to the ban with grave concern, flooding their open game thread with a total of 15 comments over the course of three hours.

And despite the fact that one writer chose to talk about nothing that actually happened during the game he was assigned to cover, everyone will sleep well and fine knowing that things will return to normal on Monday, and also that good lord, what the hell took so long?