clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Mariners won. Kiss my baby.

The Mariners won and any other fact from this game is really insignificant beyond that fact. The fact that the Mariners won is the big fact.

Fist bump me, dawg.
Fist bump me, dawg.
Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

Man oh man and gollygeewillickers the Mariners sure have been an early season bummer for those expecting them to never lose a game.  I was that guy.  I never lose.  But lately there's been a lot of talk around the proverbial water cooler that Ol' Davey Skiba is a curse.  Oh sure, "He's lame this, and he's not cool that."  Shut it, Jabrony.  Welcome to my party.  Come on in, the jello wrestling pit is fine.

That's how it feels.  How I feel.  How winning feels.  The Mariners won.  Seattle won.  I'm taking off my panda mask.

As a disclaimer, this post will be mostly celebratory.  The details of every great party become grainy in the mist of the good times.  If you hate fun, the door is somewhere behind Lil' Wayne.  To give you the nitty gritty, the Mariners won.  J.A. (Jay(JAYAY)) Happ pitched a real nice and clean 7 1/3 innings of baseball.  He kept the ball down and found the edges like the sort of man who knows his way around a rock-cliff.  Don't think of "cliff" as a negative metaphor here, however.  What I'm talking about is the kind of guy who could climb a rock real-quick like.  In a cool way.  Did you ever see Vertical Limit?  Yeah, that sucked.  J.A. Happ did not suck tonight.  His fastball sat 93 going in to the 8th inning, he was absolutely painting the bottom corners of the zone with it, and then dropping a mean, mean curveball on the top of the zone.  He was the Ajax Major to Roberto Hernandez's Ajax Minor.  I actually don't remember what happens to Ajax Minor.  He's got to die right?  All those dudes are dead now, anyway.  Watch the movie, man.

Here is J.A. Happ's night summed up in one At-Bat (according to my MLB Gameday Safeco was really foggy tonight):

Colby poked that last pitch in to right for a double, but that's just because he's an insufferable pile of kindling sticks who resembles Gumbi and is held together by a wispy mustache.  Happ has looked more than value for the bird he was traded for, and in this moment is by far the M's number two best starter.  That's objective fact so no reason for debate.

Despite his wonderful outing, he clearly messed with the pre-game ramen that Yoervis Medina is so keen to eat, because when Yoervis inherited an out in the 8th, with a one-run lead, he then was like, "Hey screw you, ramen haters." And walked three of his next four batters.  He then was like, "Psych out.  I've got this like Lloyd told you all."  He struck out Chris Carter with the bases loaded, two-outs, and a one-run lead.  Yoervis is a drama queen.

Fernando Rodney worked an essentially clean 9th to earn himself a save.  Saves seem like something a good wingman would accrue.  Fernando is a good wingman.

On the offensive side of the ball, OH WAIT WHAT

That's a big boy blast that put the M's up 2-0 in the 4th.  The difference between Mike Zunino and Evan Gattis is that our faithful Mariner catcher doesn't wear diapers.  Diapers, man, take them off and start hitting bombs.  Oh, and Evan has a beard and clearly doesn't drink skim milk.  Those are the three differences.

Z's solo blast came at the top of the 4th and, boy, wouldn't it be peachy-keen if this kid decided to stop waving at all the fish below the surface of the water and just filleted the one already in the boat.  He didn't strike out tonight.  I'm calling this the best night of his life.  On top of this shot, the M's managed a run in the 1st after Austin Jackson singled and stole second and Nelson Cruz singled him home.  The M's would push a third run across in the bottom of the 5th after Logan Morrison decided to get on base for once and walked.  Dustin Ackley was kind enough to salute this monumental effort with a single in to right, pushing a full cup of LoMo to 3rd, where Brad Miller would bring LoMo home with a single of his own.  Three runs was actually all the Mariners of SoDo would need tonight.  Can you imagine?  Pitching wins baseball games.

Oh and so does hitting and fielding.  Dave Valle taught me that when I was a younger man.

In summation, the Mariners won 3-2 over the Houston Astros and the curse is broken.  Matt can finish college, I can try to, as well.  But I wouldn't give me great odds because graduate school is like, a total bummer.  NOT.  GO BACK TO COLLEGE DO YOU REALIZE IT'S A FAKE WORLD.  I watch baseball and tell you about it and drink wine, professionally.

The Mariners won.  Take off your fucking panda mask.