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5-8: Chart

Why does this always happen to me? To us?

Ron Swanson's nephew.
Ron Swanson's nephew.
Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

The Mariners played another long, drawn out game in which the pitching was subpar.  They had plenty of chances with RISP and couldn't convert.  Eventually the small holes broke the dam, letting the Astros hang around for long enough that they suddenly stopped hanging out and said, "Screw it, we're tired of playing $5 buy-ins."  They would go on to win the proverbial high-stakes game on the river card, or Luis Valbuena's Magnetic Meatball Generator.

The Cherry Tootsie Pop: Robinson Cano (.258 WPA)

The Damn Blue One: Danny Farquhar (-.339 WPA)