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Not losing to the Texas Rangers: Austin Jackson (.629 WPA)
Canker sore on the tip of your tongue and you're drinking soda, you moron: James Paxton (-.601 WPA)
Recap to come later tonight, because I need to unzip my skull and drip the brain out and maybe buy a new one because at this point I'm mostly a pile of goop left bubbling on the floor.
Also I will not be watching the NBA playoffs, no I won't.