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Mariners defeat Padres 9-4, Nelson Cruz certainly, most definitely, does nothing of note

Or, How Is That Even Humanly Possible What The Crap

Rick Scuteri-USA TODAY Sports

Lots of things happening down in Peoria this afternoon ranging from the fantastic, to the mundane, to the Endy Chavez. As for the details, well, we've got those too. We have an 9-4 victory against the San Diego Padres. We have a bat flung to first base on a strikeout by John Baker. We've got Trumpet Guy. We've also got, hopefully, a functional PITCHf/x system up and running.

They've been having server troubles down at the complex, which led to some 1950's style eye-testing during Taijuan's stint yesterday. But unfortunately for Elias, we've got at least a little placement to show us where his pitches were landing during a rough couple of innings:


It's Elias' first time facing hitters in a game this year, and he's always had a little bit of a command problem. The good news is that he was actually spotting up his fastball pretty well, which is an important first step to locating pitches. Offspeed stuff hanging? Slider landing behind the ankles? Well, you're completely screwed if you can't even land a fastball to regain control of the zone. And he was certainly helped by what is turning into a pretty exciting defensive infield in the process.

Elias threw 23 pitches, 16 of which were called as strikes, which sounds better than it was. But all in all a great first appearance from the Cuban lefty who will probably be opening the year down in Tacoma. Danny Farquhar, though? Not so much. And by this time PITCHf/x was fully up and running. 


And they say technology is supposed to help us.


Poor Danny was having even more trouble than Elias today, reaching his pitch limit in the middle of a 2-2 count to Willl Middlebrooks. He walked one and gave up a run, throwing 13 of his 30 pitches outside the zone. Again, first appearance of the spring, nothing to worry about. He was averaging about 87 on his cutter, his go-to pitch that averaged around 92 MPH last spring. But it has been steadily declining since May, ending the year with an 89 MPH average in September. It will be interesting to see if he can build veto the deeper we get into spring, but you have to realize he probably isn't going anywhere either way, so, you know, whatever.

Joe Saunders made his first appearance of the year as well, promptly giving up a dinger to the first batter he faced and then laboring to end the game before the sun went down. But this game didn't take place at Safeco, so he's most definitely fine of course yes very much. Yoervis and Lucas Luetge (!) each had a pair of strikeouts in their innings, and Furbush ran into a little cobwebs trouble too.

Ah yes so lets see we are at about five hundred words so far, and there's probably nothing else we can talk about from this game. Unless...oh, right! Seth Smith had this amazing moment early in the game, channeling his inner Yoenis Cespedes on a misplayed fly into right field.


The best part about this is that you can tell the camera operator had no idea Smith had it in him, as the Mariners haven't really had a legit arm in the outfield since about 2010 or so. Oh a bobbled catch? Runner headed to third? Ah, I guess I can just casually follow this ball as it bounces eight times on its way back into the WAIT HOLY SHIT WHAT WHERE IS IT HOW CAN WHAT?

I'm probably overplaying this a little bit, but it's just weird to see an outfield throw by a Mariner 1. Get back to the infield without rolling in the grass for a half-hour, 2. Actually land in the glove of an infielder in tagging position, and 3. I'm happy for Ichiro, and glad he's not on the Mariners, but damn it feels weird to see him in a Marlins uniform oh here we go

Alright um...lets see. Surely I'm missing something here! Uh...Patrick Kivlehan hit a homer in the eighth. Kyle Seager and Logan Morrison both went 2-3, and Mike Zunino got hit by a pitch because all the bones in his body were removed by Dr. Cornelius and replaced with a vinyl exoskeleton designed to attract baseballs. Brad Miller still has long hair, and NRI Justin Germano recorded a strikeout with one pitch thanks to Lord Farquhar. That's it.

Seriously, nothing else happened today.



I Wellllllll...fine look at this. No, wait don't look.


Link to purchase new underwear can be found here, and please, please remember to be careful while watching games this season. Accidents can't always be avoided, but we can take steps to be more responsible spectators in the process.