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The Mariners didn't lose, but you did, because it's still March

The Mariners beat the Angels on Monday, 5-3. Taijuan is ready, Zunino keeps raking, and Cano still has some juice in the tank.

these people are all baseball players on the seattle mariners, and not, in fact, made in a video game
these people are all baseball players on the seattle mariners, and not, in fact, made in a video game
Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

Like you, I find myself somewhat baffled by the fact that the Mariners have been projected by many to be the best team in the American League this season. I'm baffled not because I considered this possibility to be impossible--we knew even at our most Russel Branyan-ed that it would get better someday--but rather because it frankly happened so fast. I can still remember the day that the Mariners signed Robinson Cano to that 10-year, gazillion-dollar contract, and I can also remember that the response to said event wasn't well hey there, the Mariners just may be the best team in the American League soon, because the response was those stupid idiot Mariners are fools, damn fools.

And yet, here we are.

I mean, on one hand, it kind of makes sense. The Mariners have an incredible starting rotation and an offense that for once isn't comprised of a few moldy socks tossed in a breadbag with a rock to weigh it down for better impact--calling them intriguing isn't exactly telling Pope Paul V that the Earth revolves around the Sun. But then again, we're talking about the fucking Mariners. Not The Mariners. The Mariners.

Yes, I know! It's been a crazy spring! So how do we react to this incredible turn of events, watching as Robinson Cano plays baseball in a northwest green uniform with a plus-rated defensive catcher that not only hits dingers but also has learned how to see pitches outside the zone and national attention and ESPN cameras in the home dugout rather than three timezones away?

I think my reaction to the whole thing would be something like this:






/nervous laughter



/more laughter





Or something like that:

I mean, look, yes. The Mariners beat the Angels today, with a score of 3-5. But since we are now entering the final stretch of games before they start to count, I think the proper response to this here win would be to just file it back into the filing cabinet and utter a few of those above strained, awkward pauses as Felix gets ready to no-hit the Angels on the way to the playoffs in a week.

While Mike Zunino hits doubles and dingers. While Robinson Cano reminds us that he can also hit baseballs very far. Or that Taijuan Walker, entering today without giving up a single run, can exit a shaky second inning--a dinger to Matt Joyce and back-to-back singles from David Freese and Erick Aybar--with a double play on his way to a three-hit, seven-inning affair that saw him striking out five. Not only are The Mariners dead, but I think that now even The Mariners are dead. What's left to happen, then, should be something transformative, and I don't know what the hell we can even call these people anymore.

The only bit of bad news coming out of this here game was a slightly rough outing from Charlie Furbush, who appears ready to enter the season with Tyler Olson as one of the two lefties out of an M's pen trying to replicate a perhaps unreproducible 2014 season that saw them leading the league in ERA and xFIP. The Bush gave up three hits and two runs today, and while it wasn't the best outing he's ever had, it all resulted in part from a fielding error by Justin Ruggiano and an RBI single to a right-handed batter. Charlie Furbush used to be a starter, and now he isn't--in part--because of the last few words in this sentence. And now you should be asking yourself why you are still reading this paragraph instead of this here article.

In other news, Cano, Cruz, and Zunino all had two hits on the day, and Seager tied up the game in the fourth with Cano and Cruz on base because the Mariners may actually have the best 3-4-5 in all of baseball right now. You can choose to do what you will with all this information I have just given you, but if I were you, I would start figuring out what beer you are going to drink next Monday, and how you are getting out of work at 1 in the afternoon. We've waited years for this. But for some reason, the next six days are going to feel even longer.