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May the Mariners be with you

A long time ago in a ballpark far, far away…

Jennifer Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports


Episode XL


It is a time of great anticipation.
Jedi Master Jerry Dipoto has scoured
the galaxy for new trainees as the
threat of the AMERICAN LEAGUE
WEST looms.

The evil Darth Trout has rallied
countless enemies to his banner and
will not stop his reign of terror until
the coveted Commissioner’s Trophy is
under his control.

An old ally has recently rejoined the
ranks of the MARINERS as they work
towards restoring peace and justice
to the galaxy….

* * *

On Friday, Star Wars: The Force Awakens was released internationally after years of anticipation. I won’t spoil anything (NO SPOILERS), I’ll just say it brought me great joy. In an effort to #synergize our #content, I’ve paired characters from the Star Wars saga with some of the most familiar names in Mariners history. These are two of my favorite things mashed together, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. Thanks to Jose for providing the awesome images throughout the article.

Luke Skywalker – Felix Hernandez


The hero and champion through the dark times, Felix was once just a kid who wanted to pick up some power converters from Tacoma. He quickly became an icon for the Mariners’ cause and has shown his loyalty again and again despite brushes with the dark side. Fortunately for us, Felix hasn’t yet lost his pitching hand in a tragic lightsaber battle.

Han Solo – Ichiro Suzuki


The smuggler with swagger, Ichiro’s methods may be unconventional but you have to admit they are effective. Every time Ichiro makes the Second Base Run in under 12 parsecs, you can’t help but be impressed with his skills.

Leia Organa – Jay Buhner


Well known for his hairstyle, Buhner’s strong-willed personality is often on display on the field. His commanding presence and quick wit make him an excellent champion of the Mariners’ cause.

Chewbacca – Randy Johnson


This beast of a pitcher is a wild blur of hair and limbs as his blaster bolts speed towards enemy hitters. Off the mound, he’s as loveable as a large teddy bear—just don’t try to beat him in a game of Dejarik.

C-3PO – Mike Zunino


Mike Zunino is familiar with over six million forms of pitch framing, but unfortunately, completely incompetent in all other areas. He continues to step up to the plate only to get blasted by Tusken Raiders and Stormtroopers, but one day we may worship him as a god.

R2-D2 – Raul Ibanez


Raul Ibanez is a trusted utility player who has played all sorts of roles for the Mariners. As he’s aged, he’s learned some new tricks while finding new ways to endear himself to the Mariners.

Anakin Skywalker – Ken Griffey Jr.


The chosen one. As a young player, he was the champion of the Mariners and should have been the one to hold the Commissioner’s Trophy, but he would eventually succumb to the temptation of the dark side. Only after years of tyranny in the National League would he return to the light side to pass on his legacy to young Felix Hernandez.

Obi-Wan Kenobi – Edgar Martinez


A powerful Jedi Master who joined the Mariners as a young Padawan. He was a celebrated Jedi Knight who may have been overshadowed by a few other, more powerful Jedi, but nonetheless should be memorialized in the Jedi Temple. He’s now training the next generation of Mariners in their fight against the evil AL West.

Yoda – Jamie Moyer


The ageless Jedi Master, powerful in the ways of the changeup. He’s been playing baseball for hundreds of years and is still making enemy batters look silly.

Emperor Palpatine – Alex Rodriguez


Alex Rodriguez was once a promising, young Mariner who once saved the American League West with Ken Griffey Jr. and Edgar Martinez. He revealed himself to be a Dark Lord of the Sith and has clashed with the Mariners as a member of the Rangers Republic and the Yankees Empire.

Lando Calrissian – Robinson Cano


Suave, smooth, and charming. From his quick wrists in the batter’s box to his steady hands in the field, Robinson Cano makes everything seem so easy. He once made a deal with the Yankees Empire but has since seen the light and is now leading the Mariners in their last ditch attempt to win the World Series.

Wedge Antilles – Kyle Seager


Often overlooked in favor of some of the other stars on the team, Kyle Seager has been a steady contributor to the team and has been critical to some of the Mariners’ greatest victories.

Jar Jar Binks – Chone Figgins

Jar Jar-Chone

The bumbling fool. Chone Figgins was the butt of more jokes than hits as a Mariner. Still a subject of much derision and angst, his failure won’t be soon forgotten.

May the Mariners be with you!