Other things that are Robinson Cano's fault

Yesterday evening former outfielder/ former Mariner coach/MLB dad/probable alcohol consumer Andy Van Slyke went onto a radio show in St. Louis to have a sports chit chat about this, that, and the other. One of the big things he said  (prefaced with "between you and me" because that's how live radio works, good job Andy) was to not so subtly insinuate that Clayton Kershaw wants Yasiel Puig off the Dodgers.

One of the other things Van Slyke touched on in this very private correspondence was Robinson Cano, and his performance in the first half of last year. Tim Booth was kind enough to transcribe the most scathing comments here.

"Your highest paid, supposedly best player was, Robinson is not a bad guy, let me say that before I say how bad he played, but Robinson Cano was the worst third place every day player I have ever seen, I've ever seen, for the first half of a major league baseball season. He couldn't drive home Miss Daisy if he tried. He couldn't do it. He couldn't get a hit when it mattered. He played the worst second base I have ever seen, I mean the worst defensive second baseman I've ever seen in 20 years in the big leagues.

Robinson Cano cost the GM his job, the hitting coach got fired because of Cano and then the manager and the coaches got fired because that's how much impact Robinson Cano has on the organization. He was the worst player and it cost people their jobs in the process."

Now, first of all let me give kudos to Andy for the Miss Daisy reference, as it's a fond call back to the last time anyone ever gave a shit about Andy Van Slyke. Let's also remember that Robinson Cano was in fact quite bad in the 1st half of 2015. We won't bother to rehash that this may have been partially due to Cano suffering from an intestinal parasite while grieving the loss of a loved one. We also won't note that Cano went on to post a 126 wRC+ in the 2nd half of the season, despite suffering through a sports hernia for two months that prevented him from moving faster than me during my 5th game of full court at the Y.

No, we don't have to talk about any of that because let's be honest, Andy Van Slyke is absolutely right. In fact, I don't think he went far enough. Robinson Cano has committed many crimes, and he should be called to account for them. Here are some other things we'd like Robinson to take the heat for (many thanks to the collaborative effort from the staff on these):

• My toilet leaks. What the hell?
• Happy hour beers at the Pen have gone from $5 to $6.
• Traffic is an absolute nightmare around Safeco.
• Whenever the bullpen phone rang to call Fernando Rodney in to close a game, it was Cano on the other line.
• Cano invented boneless chicken wings.
• Cano is responsible for those pasty bits of pasta that get stuck in the colander.
• Global warming.
• Robinson Cano tried to blow our JFK's eternal flame.
• Felix Hernandez's lingering ankle injury.
• Howard Lincoln Schultz selling the Sonics to Clay Bennett.
• Robinson Cano booked Russell Wilson's bye week Mexico Vacation. He knew a guy.
• The third Hunger Games book.
• It was actually Cano who sent Jesus Montero the ice cream sandwich.
• Blocking Brad Miller and forcing his trade.
• Leonys Martin's disappointing 2018.